Lost and Anxious

[Kayleigh272]

Hello, my start to nursing was anything but conventional. Unfortunately I graduated during the pandemic and did not receive a roll transition. Many hospitals around me then went on hiring freezes. My particular residency program delayed start dates by 6 months after graduation. I started my residency program made it all the way through orientation and was blindsided the last week when it was extended and I was told if I didn’t improve/ change my preceptors mind I would be let go.

We had orientation check-ins but I never received bad feedback and when my preceptor did give back feedback like it took too long for me to change a picc dressing/ build a line etc she would say “but that’s being nit picky” ultimately I decided I no longer wanted to continue with this hospital and for my mental health needed to leave.

I began applying other places and got an offer. I’m still living in the same city and I’ve really struggled with worrying about what all these people are thinking of me/ whether people at my new job know the circumstances. I’ve been there for over 1.5 years now and have learned so much, but I still feel like a nervous wreck some days. I’m terrified of making mistakes. I always make sure to ask questions and do my due diligence but I’ve found that if I do something incorrectly/ if something like an admit doesn’t go smoothly (I don’t get the access I need and someone else has to etc, I forget to chart something etc)

I’m anxious for the next week about going back to work. Even if people volunteer to help me at work I automatically assume it’s because I appear to be drowning and it’s my fault/ I shouldn’t need the help.

I feel like nursing as a whole has severely impacted my mental health and I don’t know where to go from here. I like my job but I consistently feel like I’m unintelligent and don’t deserve to be where I am/ that I’m a burden and my coworkers hate me.

I’ve tried therapy I’ve tried nearly everything but I just keep carrying the sheer anxiety of being blindsided once and humiliated once again. I feel beaten down and hopeless where do I go from here?

[Tweety, BSN, RN]

You seem to be stuck in a moment you can't get out of.  That moment of being blind sided.  It does indeed hurt to be struck down when you think you are in a good place.

Look at this way.  You were "blindsided and humiliated" once already, but what did you learn?  You learned that you could get another job and move on.  You showed strength to dust yourself off and make a change.  Why waste energy on something that hasn't happened and may not happen, but even if it does you already know you can get through it.

Nursing is always a learning process and you will never know everything.  I've been at the bedside 30 years and I still get overwhelmed, still make mistakes, and still need help.  In no way no how does this meant I'm a bad nurse.  I was struggling my last shift and my manager stepped in to help.  I just had too much going on.  Doesn't mean that I'm a burden.  I'm human and can only be in one place doing one thing at a time.

My final thought is you're letting coworkers rent space in your head and you are inventing what you think they think about you.  Most of them are probably in the same boat you are, working hard and making it through the best they can and are not giving you a second thought.  Even if they are, so what.   Does their negative opinion of you matter that much?  Not everyone is going to like us.  

 

[John2018]

What I'm seeing in your post few times is the "I feel like" then it's followed by a negativity about yourself and your skills and what you know and what you think others say. Anyways, it's great to know that you have tried therapy but I think you need it again. Also I'm starting to think that you had a bad experience from the past, reason why you kept overanalyzing and thinking things around you. I really hope that you get back on your feet and do what you do best. 

[path0gems, ASN, CNA, LPN, RN]

I often have these same feelings. So sorry.

[hppygr8ful, ASN, RN, EMT-I]

On 2/27/2022 at 6:45 AM, Tweety said:

 

My final thought is you're letting coworkers rent space in your head and you are inventing what you think they think about you.  Most of them are probably in the same boat you are, working hard and making it through the best they can and are not giving you a second thought.  Even if they are, so what.   Does their negative opinion of you matter that much?  Not everyone is going to like us.  

 

As Dr, Phil is want to say "You wouldn't worry so much about what people think of you if you realized how rarely they did."

[Myruby]

I've heard this a lot from new grads, in fact I work with one who is one of the best nurses that I've ever worked with. She recently left a job where the charge nurse said she was "too slow" when she asked her to review hanging blood during orientation. She was written up and let go.  That's ridiculous, you are supposed to be slower and ask questions, otherwise you would not be on orientation/ on preceptorship.  Some preceptors/nurses are "special" and it makes them feel even more "special" to do this.  This happened during my preceptorship 45 years ago. The person precepting me told me that "you will have a hard time" She was going to go  back to school to be one of the first NPs.  I did NOT have a hard time.  These are just one person's opinion. They are not the word of God.  Find another one and hold your head up. Nurses can be mean.  Someone said here that some nurses are kind and caring, others are just the ones who were mean girls in high school and never changed.  I think it's ridiculous to criticize and then say, "well, I'm nit picking," If you are nit picking, then you are nit picking. If your instructors felt that you were doing just fine, likely you are.