Loss of identity as nurse?

Long Term Care Columnist / Guide · Nov 6, 2018

Hi there. You have my sympathies, because I'm in a similar situation being on SSDI for bipolar I. I miss nursing and wish I could go back, but I can't and nothing I do will change that. I still hold a nursing license, but will soon have to put it in "retired" status because I haven't been in practice since 2014. It just about breaks my heart to do that. However, I like to keep up with changes in the field by reading nursing journals and of course, coming here every day.

I know what you mean about losing your identity, even though you are still technically a nurse as long as you hold a license. I've learned to say "I'm retired" when asked what I do for a living. I don't want to explain why I'm disabled, not that I'm ashamed of it but because it's no one's business.

I wish you the very best as you work on establishing your new place in the world. Viva

Daisy4RN · Nov 7, 2018

I don't know why you would consider yourself lazy or feel guilty for taking SSDI. You have an illness and have been (obviously) paying into the system and now are in need, no reason to feel guilty about it or consider yourself lazy.

I was off work for about 1 year r/t illness so I do understand your feelings of loss of identity and also sympathize. That was a very hard year for me and I felt lost too. I didn't know if/when I would ever go back to work.

It is good to continue your education in case you are able to go back to work but I would keep it in perspective with your illness/finances etc.

You will adjust to these life circumstances either way, your feelings are normal, you just need to work through them. If you are having difficulty doing that don't hesitate to speak to your provider.

Wishing you well!!

bluegeegoo2, LPN · Nov 9, 2018

I know exactly what you mean.

I am in the process of filing for SSDI because of positive labs (ANA, SSA/anti Ro) and a litany of symptoms that prohibit me from working full or even part time. I'm down to PRN, 4 days/month. It's all I can do and even struggle with that.

I, too, feel guilt. When I'm having a "good" moment, I question myself. Am I really that bad? Geez, just suck it up and work!...I tell myself. I also question whether or not I'm just being lazy, until I have a flare. How quickly we forget how bad the bad is!

My personal identity is not in being a nurse, per se, but as a financial contributor to my household. Now that I'm barely contributing, I feel very much like a burden on my household. That is a tough pill for me to swallow. I have always been the major contributor as far as income amount goes. Now, I barely make enough to pay the light bill. It's humbling, to say the least. It's also humbling to "allow" someone else to make the major contribution. I sometimes feel like a failure. I know better, but still feel that way on occasion.

As far as who I am, I have to remind myself that my husband didn't marry me for my income or title, and my children don't love me for my financial contributions. They love me for who I am, and that's good enough for me.

VA2AK · Nov 13, 2018

Thank you for the encouraging comments, I will re-read when I'm questioning myself and having a bad day. Thanks again for taking the time to comment!

Bon · Jul 29, 2022

I realize your post is from 2018 but it resonates with me. My Dr. insisted 2 months ago that I take off work. She sites the shift work, the loss of my mother and the pandemic were all sources of intense stress. The bottom line was the safety risked I posed to my patients. I felt like I was in free fall. I still do. I feel like something or someone has died ( not just my mother.) I still navigating the dynamics of my situation. Why is this happening?. What am I if I'm not a nurse? Nursing has been my go to for all sorts of loss in my life. I never wavered in my commitment to this profession. I've sacrificed my children's' childhood, my marriages ( that's right plural). My social life, emotional stability at times. Now I see that I've sacrificed my physically and emotional health until one day (who knows what day that was), I realized that I've given up so much more and began to spiral down. I personified the martyrdom identity. I've never wanted that. My situation is not unique. Now I'm in a place that there is no one to lean on in my personal life, to hold me up. That is because I've taught the people in my life to learn to live without me. Oh they are proud of me, empathetic and considerate. However the idea that I'm appreciative and supportive of their emotional state is foreign to them, especially my children and that is heartbreaking. I don't regret being a nurse, but I do regret sacrificing for it. I didn't stand up for myself. I cant go back to work, My tolerance and patient and passion for it no longer exist. I am transitioning to a new me. A life of me without those struggles, without my mother , without nursing, acceptance of myself . Joy of love of self care. I am resourceful, I've fought for so many, advocated at the expense of my own self worth. Now I do me. I may have fallen. but no mistake I will be back and I will leading the pack. I love that fact that others have shared their story. It gives me strength and relief. It take courage to share insecurities. The nature of this beast called nursing requires that we have a self sacrificing, low self worth thinking, to survive. It can survive without me. I feel the need to apologize for my incapability's, and weaknesses. I'm not incapable or weak my new journey starts now. I am grateful for the outlet because I obviously needed it.

Bon · Jul 29, 2022

What jobs can I get that aren't nursing?