Just want to share for once

Published

Hi everyone. This is the first time I have posted anything on this site and I am a little uneasy. I just signed my monitoring agreement with ISNAP. I will be monitored for 3 years and that is probably a good thing. I have actually been through ISNAP before- back when they were run by different entities. My last agreement ended in 2005- back then monitoring in Indiana was 5 yrs but they let me out after 4yrs and 4 months. (Their idea, not mine) because I had always been compliant. I have actually managed to be sober for 6 1/2 years at one time. I say sober because I hesitate to use the word "recovery". I have been through IOP more than once and have been familiar with NA for a long time, but still don't know if I understand what addicts mean by recovery. I know I am an addict-I have absolutely no doubts, but don't understand the concept of a "dry drunk or dry high" completely. I have never felt comfortable with the idea of a sponsor-even though that's what everyone sais works. As you can guess I quit going to meetings a long time ago-but I have been going again the past 5 weeks. I got caught diverting at my job and I am so glad-that may sound crazy but at least I am not around controlled substances anymore. My employer let me go because there were no non-clinical nursing jobs there ( I obviously have narcotic restrictions for 6 months), so I am unemployed.

I am going to try to do it right this time. I am going to meetings- I have yet to find a sponsor, but I am working on that. Please everyone keep me in your prayers and I will do the same for you. If anyone can give me words of experience, strength or hope please respond. I could really use it. Thanks!!

Mona1023, I'll take a stab at answering your question from my point of view, bearing in mind that there is no one definitive definition. I think it is when a user (of alcohol or drugs, it doesn't matter which or if both) abstains from all use of the substance but does not change the person who came into the program. That may be called sobriety but not recovery. Recovery depends on working to change oneself. That is, what personality defects, outside circumstances, etc caused the substance abuse in the first place. I think every recovering person I have heard speak during my 18 year journey in recovery has spoken of painful feeling that were self medicated with drugs and/or alcohol because there seemed no other way to escape them or survive them. Feelings like anger, self loathing, fear, poor self-esteem. loneliness. I know this certainly applied to me. But in recovery (in AA in my case although I used both alcohol and drugs) I learned many healthy tools for dealing with things I didn't want to feel without needing to pick up a drink or other unhealthy substance. Dry drunks don't drink but often still experience uncontrollable anger, fear, self-centeredness etc. They still usually keep secrets, have problems with relationships and with a healthy balanced self-image. So that's my two cents worth. If you have other questions, fire away.

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I guess that is what I had difficulty understanding-or maybe accepting would be a better word. When I was sober before, there were some things I didn't like about myself and feelings I didn't want to feel (it's the same way now), and I Have to admit that I wish that abstinence was enough. I don't share at meetings 98% of the time because I am not sure what to say and I have a real problem with trust. It is a miracle I am even writing this. I am reading the daily meditations and attend a wonderful church that helps so I have much to be grateful for. I try not to worry about the future-specifically working but I have to work eventually due to financial concerns. I have applied for unemployment but haven't heard anything yet. According to one ISNAP caseworker, other nurses in Indiana who are in ISNAP have received unemployment. I am hoping I can get something.

Mona, Don't worry if you don't feel like speaking at meetings. Just try to listen with an open mind and try to identify (see similarities) rather than compare. Listen to what people say about feelings and how they deal with them in recovery. I hear a lot of people that I could compare myself to (usually to my disadvantage) but when I listen for similarities I ALWAYS find them. They may have done different things than I did but almost always for the same reasons I did them. And keep an eye out for someone ( a woman if you are a woman or a man if you are a man) who has the kind of sobriety and recovery that you want. That is the person to get to know and even perhaps eventually ask to be your sponsor. But there is no hurry. Just be a sponge and listen and listen. Old timers often say "take the cotton our of your ears and put it in your mouth" And by all means, share here at allnurses.com if that feels safer than person to person for now.

Specializes in Skilled Nursing/Rehab.

I don't have much to add in the way of facts, but I just want to let you know that I will be praying for you. My sister is a recovering alcoholic and I think the only way I was ever able to help her was to pray. She is doing well, by the way. There is hope!

mona- michiegoose has given you some valuable information. this is also my 2nd time through a monitoring program. the first time, i was always compliant, did everything i had to- but, like you, i didn't "get" it. i never got a sponsor, never worked all the steps, never dealt with all the issues that created my problem to begin with. when my monitoring period was up, i quit going to meetings, stayed sober for a while, but eventually relapsed. this time, i knew i had to do it differently if i wanted to actually recover. keep doing what you are doing, stay sober, go to meetings, keep an open mind, find a sponsor to walk you through the steps- and DO THEM!! they are the pathway to recovery!!! best of luck, may God bless you!!

Hello- I received a nice post from another ISNAP participant, but I have mispalced the email address you provided. Please send me another private message so I can respond to you.

+ Join the Discussion