It made me think...How do they cope?

Nurses General Nursing

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I just had two 12 hr nites, and had a pt. who is staying with me still. She is a single mom, who has been given the dx of Breast CA...2yrs of chemo, and bil mastectomy, she has now been dx with CA and mets.

I talked with her at length, in between running trying to keep another Lung CA pt. who is becoming increasing confused. Pulling out two IVs...but thankfully had a place to start others!

My heart goes out to both! But one is a elderly lady, and the other is a mom...without a job...d/t dx, and no one to really help her. Her mom is unsupportive, and when boyfriend found out about the dx, he decided he couldn't deal with it. On the night she got the dx, I went into her, and found her distraught beyond words!:o. NO ONE was with her, when she was told this horrible news, and I couldn't imagine being in her shoes!

She had tried to call her boyfriend, and one of his friends answered the phone, and hung up on her!!! I called her boyfriend, and told the friend, what room she was in, and that she really needed some moral support. The boyfriend came in to see her last nite, and I shamed him into staying the nite. She needed someone there...and I was angry...that not even her family had come, when she told them the dx!!! :o

She came out of the room, and told me she was really happy, and thanked me for helping her. I couldn't help but think...what a sorry piece of crap her boyfriend was, and is! He told her ...he had problems of his own...and couldn't help her, until he helped himself. That he had watched his mother go thru CA tx, and couldn't go thru this with her! But she was happy just to have him there...for now at least!

My heart goes out to her...and I felt I wanted to take her in, and help her...but I knew that wasn't possible. I wanted to leave her money...or offer help in some way....but I didn't. I just pointed her to support groups...and left it at that.

Because she couldn't sleep...and nothing I gave her helped...I spent a lot of time, in and out of her room ...most of the two nites I worked. I just can't shake her out of my mind.

Her family is another trip...and made the day nurse's life so miserable...that she had to be given to another nurse, as the family made unfair accusations against this nurse. Then they all left to the pts..relief!

This pt. was in healthcare also, and worked in the OR...but d/t her dx..she was "let go..until she was better"!!! I'm angry at what happened to her. She now has no job...as she was living paycheck to paycheck...like most single moms do. She can't keep her insurance going, as she has no job now.

I became to think about...what about all the other people out there who are basically making it week to week. What happens to them..when there is no family to step in and help? What if this had happened to me?? Both my parents are gone...what if I had left my job...and was dealt a blow like this...how would I have taken care of my kids??? How does one find help in these situations??? Does anyone have something to share...that would help this caregiver?? One of the MDs who knew her ...said she was such a wonderful person...and she was a truly caring person.:o One look at his face...told me he really meant what he was saying..:o

Specializes in Community Health Nurse.

I will surely add that mother and her children to my daily prayers.

The best thing you can do for her from a nursing standpoint is to write up a Social Service Consult so they can begin to meet with the family, the patient's doctor(s), and the patient in preparation for her chemo treatments and any other outpatient assitance she will need. They should get the ball rolling from that end once you put in the consult for it.

Pray about the situation, and asked God what He would have you to do for this woman on a personal basis, then trust your gut instinct. I have helped patients before outside of nursing because I felt it my duty to do so as a child of God. I have never regretted doing so, either, and would do it again in a heartbeat.

Stay abreast on her case and make sure everything that can be done for her is being done for her by Social Services within the hospital setting. Discuss with her who she will leave her children with after she dies. Does she have a will, an advance directive, or any other plans outlined to be instituted after her death. These are things she must eventually deal with as her time of grief allows.

Putting her in touch with Cancer support groups is an excellent idea! That will be a great resource to her alone.

Also, mention to her about tape recording messages for her children to hear and grow up by after she is gone. This has been known to be a comfort to dying mothers and fathers who have little ones they will not be able to see reach adulthood. They should record the family history for the children's health reasons, and any other pertinent information the kids will need for survival purposes while growing up (i.e. Parental advice, wedding wishes, kisses for future grandkids, etc. ) You'd be surprised what things are taped on tapes like that. Heartbreaking, but oh so necessary and very comforting to the one dying, and the ones left behind to grieve their loss. :kiss

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Specializes in Everything except surgery.

Thank you Cheerful...:kiss:

I don't know if I can approach her with some of the things you spoke about...not just yet. The nite she heard about the dx...she wanted to give up....right then and there...and not go for tx. The next day...she was ready to talk tx, and I just can't talk to her ...not just yet about preparing for her death. Maybe it's just my not being able to deal with it...but I just don't feel I can talk with her about this now. Maybe I will leave that to others with more knowledge than me.

But your suggestions about the tapes is an excellent one! And the part about family history...is sooo on the money! I would have never thought about something like that! And yes you're right I do need to pray about my invovlement with this pt. I had thought about giving her my number...but I will pray about this first.

The person who pm'd me...gave me this site...http://www.chemoangels.com/. And I'm very grateful to them for it! Shows me that there are so really wonderful people out there...:cool: And I know there are many of those people right here on this BB...:cool:

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Specializes in Everything except surgery.
Originally posted by ohbet

It makes you wonder where God is amongst all the suffering.Just sharing my thoughts.

ohbet...thank you for sharing, and I can understand your feelings. I think we all wonder...why these things happen to good people. But I know God is there...and maybe crying too...because of all the sadness in the world. And I know that miracles do take place....and that sometimes...struggles happen to bring us closer to him. But it doesn't make it any easier to deal with....when we see such sadness...:o

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Browns

Yours is the heart that cares......I have been there also......and still let myself get there also....but not as often.......

usually when this happens.....I just shed some tears for the patient when driving home and listening to music and thinking or trying to think good thoughts........

Where is God? Oops, other thread..........

Love to browns and to all on this thread.....

keep up the caring and seeing behind the dx and the pt #

for to be on the other side of the rail is a whole other situation

than where we are.........

micro

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Specializes in Everything except surgery.

Thank you micro..:kiss:...I'm struggling here...and I appreciate your supportive words of comfort, and understanding. I feel guilty...for even asking for help to deal with this situation...because I'm not the one...who is really struggling! But I feel lost...and just can't seem to think straight in this matter!

It's been a long time...since I have felt this way about a pt...or maybe a long time...since I have let my guard down long enough to be affected! The tears come readily...but they come because I guess...it scares me...that this could have/or might be me! Maybe my own mortality is the reason I have been so affected by this pt. Maybe I need to examine my reasons for wanting to help. I don't want to do anything out of some selfish need to quench my own fears....but because this woman truly in is need of help.:o

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Brownie,

Tribute to you, when I need a nurse I hope you're it.

There is always someone who has it much more difficult and hopeless than our own particular situation...and it incessantly and continuously breaks my heart that we take so many things for granted. I will always be

Glad2behere

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Brownsrn, Hello from a fellow Arizonan. Just wanted to say I think you are going above and beyond the call of duty and you're a gem for showing such care and concern over this patient. I think you are doing as much as you can and even more - I think getting in touch with Social Services would be huge help for this lady and her kids. Your kind words and gestures will mean a lot to her. Has she tried to reach out to some friends? I have been depressed lately and it was difficult for me to let my friends know BUT they have all been wonderful and are showing huge amount of concern for me. There just comes a time you have to let folks know you can't manage by yourself and ask for the help. I will go on google and if I find any information out will email you that info to pass on to the lady. I am terribly sorry to hear about her breast cancer. My best friend died 2 months ago at age 38 of breast cancer.

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Specializes in Everything except surgery.

Hi Glad2behere..:)

Thank you so much for your very sweet words..:kiss:. But I sincerely hope you will never have a need for my care or anyone else's! I pray you will always be in health....and that in the far distance future yours will be a one that goes into sweet sleep....no pain...just release from a life well spent..:cool:.

But you are right about too many times we take too much for granted. I need to remember, and rejoice everytime I awake in my right mind. Everytime I can move and walk on my own, feed and clothe myself. Speak, and hear what is spoken, and see the person I speak to. Everytime I go a day without having to take medications I can't afford. Everytime I can pay a bill, and not wonder how I will pay the others I owe. Everytime I can hug my daughter, and rejoice that she wasn't taken from me. That she is full of joy, and love of life, and has the God given ability to love all.

Everytime I don't have to worry about a colostomy, or urostomy bag. Everytime I can drive myself where I'm want to go, or take a breath of air, without the need for oxygen, or inhalers.

I should rejoice because the dx of Sarcoidosis...didn't take my life as the MDs stated back in 1977! I praise God...that I'm still here, and relatively sx free...more than 20yrs later....and didn't lose my life within 5yrs...as I was told. Yes "I" have a lot to be thankful for! But YES I tend to forget...just how blessed I am!

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Specializes in Everything except surgery.

(((((((((((((fulwood))))))))))....may God bless you, and keep you...in high spirits....and I pray that the depression you feel...will soon be in your past! I think you're soo wonderful to offer to help...:kiss:. And I welcome anything you may find..:cool:! I'm very sorry to hear about your friend...and I'm sure this didn't help your depression at all! My heart goes out to you....the family and love ones of your dear, departed friend..:o Thank you for taking the time to share your sorrow....and yourself..:cool:

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Specializes in Community Health Nurse.

Brownie......hear is a website for people who grieve. Perhaps you can check it out and see how it might prove beneficial for you, other staff, and possibly the family members of terminal patients you care for. :kiss

http://www.groww.org/kindred.htm

((((((hugs))))))) :kiss

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Specializes in Everything except surgery.

Hi Renee,

Just seen the post...:). Thank you so much for taking the time to send it..:cool:

I went to work last nite...but fortunately for now....the pt. was d/c'd. I know she will be back for surgery...and hopefully I will be able to spend some time with her. Maybe by that time...her S/O and her family will have got their act together...and become more supportive of her. From what she has told me...this is a big if...but worth praying for..:cool:

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brownms:

in most situations you can still, after discharge, ask for a social service consult. they should be then able to provide that patient with services that they can seek on their own.

hospice centers also provide counseling service and assistance.

and as previously suggested, the cancer support groups are great. there is usually a group called hope in any major city.

good luck and i know that shaking it off is easier said than done.

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