I don't want to be a Debbie Downer but this may come across that way. Just having a difficult time lately. Sort of an identity crisis maybe.
This new clean, sober life.....will I ever really adjust to it? I'm finding myself daydreaming about using and am stuffing those feelings with food unfortunately. I think it's because I don't really know who I am right now. I've always seen myself as a nurse who works in critical care areas, always striving to work in the most complex, fast paced, complicated departments.
Now that I work in, what I see as, a slow paced easy-going less challenging area of nursing, I look at myself differently. I know this is a disease. But lately I can't help but beat myself up about what I've done and what I've lost in my career. I've been lucky to go through this in a confidential monitoring program vs the BON. I'm lucky I didn't have any charges brought against me. I'm lucky I still have my support system. I've lost little, yet some days I feel as if I've lost it all regardless.
Lately it's like I'm just trudging through, waiting for the next day. I only signed my contract 3 months ago so it's difficult to feel as if I've made any progress at all.
Don't get me wrong, most days I feel so grateful for what I have. It's the days I don't that are just really tough and make me question myself. I'll be honest, I'm really bad about going to meetings - I don't know that they are helpful to me. I have a sponsor but lately there have been problems in that area as well which I won't get into.
Anyway, I'm sorry if this is coming across very negative. I'm just struggling a little and wondering if anyone else has felt similar to this.
Specializes in ER, ICU/CCU, Open Heart OR Recovery, Etc.
Bravo for you and your dog! Animals have inherent wisdom and can teach us a lot. I had a beautiful, wise, and strong Rottweiler named Kieta, who died in April 2015. She taught me so much about life, strength, grace, and of being quiet to listen for things not obvious. We had a close connection, so much that when I moved out of state, I felt her presence at times...and in my dreams, she came once, a few months before she was diagnosed with a liver tumor. I saw her lying motionless on her back, on the grass, with a small puddle of blood on her RUQ...crystallizing as snow fell on it. After she died, I made the connection between her message in the dream and her tumor. She has also visited me on occasion after her death. Make no mistake about what they can teach us. Cherish your relationship with your dog. Let her teach you about unconditional love for yourself. She loves you, and not because you work as a critical care nurse. She loves you because you love her, pet her, spoil her, and care for her. That reflects the inherent goodness and humanity within you.
When you have a bad day, when you have doubts about yourself, when you aren't sure who you are, and when you feel like s**t, look at her. I'll bet she still loves you. If you were stripped of your specialty of critical care, or even your license (perish the thought, just an example), she would still love you. This is another lesson my beloved Kieta taught me. When I used to cry, she would put her face really close to mine, smell me with her big black nose, and lick my tears. She loved me even when I felt messed up and had messed up my career. Why? She saw my inherent goodness, exclusive of the external trappings of "ER Certified Emergency Nurse", "Nursing Supervisor" etc.
I found out who I really was when those titles didn't apply anymore. I faced the demons and shadows within, once the titles, the job, and the pills, were out of my life. That was also when I decided I'd do everything I could to never go back there. That was 16 years ago on August 24, 2000. Since then, my horizons have expanded beyond anything I could have dreamed of. Much more than I ever felt possible. I found that with a little willingness, open mindedness, and honesty, my world would expand.
I talked about some of the attitudes I had that cultivated my substance abuse in a separate post. Another of those was thinking that nursing was my whole world. I did that. If I worked hard, got really good at what I did, and survived two brutal specialties, I would have "bragging rights" and no one would know how insecure I really felt, or how tenuous I felt every day I went in to work. I say tenuous, because deep inside I knew there was a different person within who was not being acknowledged, was ignored, and was not able to fully express herself through this type of work. Yes, I had moments where I could express caring, and did. Those were far more rewarding than the so called adrenaline rush prevalent in critical care. So were the moments when, through doing careful assessment and listening to the quiet, still voice within, I could catch subtle signs of decline before the patient went downhill and intervene. But they weren't enough.
Nothing was enough. Nothing is ever enough, until we learn to embrace our unconscious, and allow it to have a voice in things. Until we learn to separate our inherent worth as a human being, from the work we do and from external conditions, we subject ourselves to the whims of the external world. Until we learn we are indeed sacred and divine, we will continue to judge ourselves. Until we can view ourselves as just human beings, in the moment, without judgment and adding all the criticisms that come, we will continue on the negative feedback loop and be slaves to it.
The good news is, we can learn to separate ourselves from the distractions that clamor for our attention and get quiet. We can then let the thoughts come and go, like the direction of a river, we let them flow away. Then, we discover that we, the human, remains; and we can allow that to just be. Just be, without judgment or comment.
But I digress. Thanks for listening. Good luck with your new ventures, the discovery that you are not your job, and a new way of thinking. Thinking and making the right choices, leads to a better way of living.
I feel you. I put on 30 pounds within 2 years--food was my substitute for cigarettes, and those times when I REALLY needed a drink. All those healthy coping skills I didn't have--it really showed in stressful situations, and me and my family went through some really bad times.
I really relate to your identity crisis--I went through the same sort of thing. When I was really depressed and down on life, the best and healthiest way of coping with it was to drag myself in to work to take care of sick kids, people who needed me. Also, work was one of the very few places in my life I felt competent. The idea of losing that forever--some days I could just barely deal with it.
But I got through it. I had an awesome therapist, which was a godsend--I don't know how I could have done it without her. I learned how to accept and love myself just for being me, warts and all. I gained some badly needed self esteem and coping skills. I was also lucky that my sponsor was willing to use the steps as a starting point, rather than gospel. One example--I don't believe in the first step, I don't believe in being helpless; helpless-and-hopeless is what was killing me. I think lots of women need empowerment for successful recovery, not helplessness. You can gain the power to say No--to family, to work, to those who have abused you in the past and those who would abuse you now if you let them. You can still depend on your Higher Power for guiding your mind to good and healthy choices--but they are YOUR choices. It's OK to be proud of yourself when you make the right choice, just as it's OK to forgive yourself when you don't.
It really will get better. I know it's hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel, but it really is there. Hang in there.
Specializes in ER, ICU/CCU, Open Heart OR Recovery, Etc.
"But I got through it. I had an awesome therapist, which was a godsend--I don't know how I could have done it without her. I learned how to accept and love myself just for being me, warts and all. I gained some badly needed self esteem and coping skills. I was also lucky that my sponsor was willing to use the steps as a starting point, rather than gospel. One example--I don't believe in the first step, I don't believe in being helpless; helpless-and-hopeless is what was killing me. I think lots of women need empowerment for successful recovery, not helplessness. You can gain the power to say No--to family, to work, to those who have abused you in the past and those who would abuse you now if you let them. You can still depend on your Higher Power for guiding your mind to good and healthy choices--but they are YOUR choices. It's OK to be proud of yourself when you make the right choice, just as it's OK to forgive yourself when you don't." (CrissyD, see PP)
You outline a few great points here about substance abuse, and about the 12 Steps. I agree. I had no problem admitting that I had moved beyond the point where I had (or realized I had) the power of choice to pick up my drug of choice. But the whole interpretation of that first Step, to me, suggested I should admit i was powerless over everything...which was where I stop because that, to me, just screams Victimhood. I knew that I could not fall into that trap, so I chose my own interpretation of the First Step, a narrow one, focusing on the fact that I diverted drugs from work because I felt I had no other choice. I was an addict. I committed crimes to obtain the drugs I felt I had to have.
But once I stopped, or was stopped, I chose to not pick up that drug or find any substitute drugs. I took back that power of choice I had lost.
I also know that there are factors in society, and nursing, which encourage helplessness and victimhood. This isn't limited to women, but I think women are socialized to be compliant, to not say no, to ignore their own needs and give give give until it hurts. To BE NICE, which is really code to not make waves. Very few of us are taught how to relate to others in a healthy manner that honors them but also empowers us to be our best. We are not taught how to care for ourselves, most of us have to learn those skills on our own. Then we carry this background to nursing, where the healthcare system has a vested interest in continuing the status quo.
Those are facts, but I have the responsibility to make right choices. I have the responsibility to learn how to say no, to stay out of unhealthy situations, and to do the best I can to not be part of the problem. I also have a responsibility to not fall back on all the old excuses I had for using, to not blame others, society, or healthcare, for my lack of skills or lack of coping mechanisms.
The 12 Steps have their uses. I still go to NA and to a lesser extent AA...and filter out the helplessness and heavy Christianity stuff when it flies. Bottom line, in my humble opinion, if one is really done and wants to live differently without dependency on substances, they will find the resources. Even if they are laced with Christianity and seem to be dispensing double messages...a lot of people stay clean and sober with them. There are also other alternatives, other programs, that don't use the steps or format AA/NA does.
SororAKS, ADN, RN
720 Posts
Bravo for you and your dog! Animals have inherent wisdom and can teach us a lot. I had a beautiful, wise, and strong Rottweiler named Kieta, who died in April 2015. She taught me so much about life, strength, grace, and of being quiet to listen for things not obvious. We had a close connection, so much that when I moved out of state, I felt her presence at times...and in my dreams, she came once, a few months before she was diagnosed with a liver tumor. I saw her lying motionless on her back, on the grass, with a small puddle of blood on her RUQ...crystallizing as snow fell on it. After she died, I made the connection between her message in the dream and her tumor. She has also visited me on occasion after her death. Make no mistake about what they can teach us. Cherish your relationship with your dog. Let her teach you about unconditional love for yourself. She loves you, and not because you work as a critical care nurse. She loves you because you love her, pet her, spoil her, and care for her. That reflects the inherent goodness and humanity within you.
When you have a bad day, when you have doubts about yourself, when you aren't sure who you are, and when you feel like s**t, look at her. I'll bet she still loves you. If you were stripped of your specialty of critical care, or even your license (perish the thought, just an example), she would still love you. This is another lesson my beloved Kieta taught me. When I used to cry, she would put her face really close to mine, smell me with her big black nose, and lick my tears. She loved me even when I felt messed up and had messed up my career. Why? She saw my inherent goodness, exclusive of the external trappings of "ER Certified Emergency Nurse", "Nursing Supervisor" etc.
I found out who I really was when those titles didn't apply anymore. I faced the demons and shadows within, once the titles, the job, and the pills, were out of my life. That was also when I decided I'd do everything I could to never go back there. That was 16 years ago on August 24, 2000. Since then, my horizons have expanded beyond anything I could have dreamed of. Much more than I ever felt possible. I found that with a little willingness, open mindedness, and honesty, my world would expand.
I talked about some of the attitudes I had that cultivated my substance abuse in a separate post. Another of those was thinking that nursing was my whole world. I did that. If I worked hard, got really good at what I did, and survived two brutal specialties, I would have "bragging rights" and no one would know how insecure I really felt, or how tenuous I felt every day I went in to work. I say tenuous, because deep inside I knew there was a different person within who was not being acknowledged, was ignored, and was not able to fully express herself through this type of work. Yes, I had moments where I could express caring, and did. Those were far more rewarding than the so called adrenaline rush prevalent in critical care. So were the moments when, through doing careful assessment and listening to the quiet, still voice within, I could catch subtle signs of decline before the patient went downhill and intervene. But they weren't enough.
Nothing was enough. Nothing is ever enough, until we learn to embrace our unconscious, and allow it to have a voice in things. Until we learn to separate our inherent worth as a human being, from the work we do and from external conditions, we subject ourselves to the whims of the external world. Until we learn we are indeed sacred and divine, we will continue to judge ourselves. Until we can view ourselves as just human beings, in the moment, without judgment and adding all the criticisms that come, we will continue on the negative feedback loop and be slaves to it.
The good news is, we can learn to separate ourselves from the distractions that clamor for our attention and get quiet. We can then let the thoughts come and go, like the direction of a river, we let them flow away. Then, we discover that we, the human, remains; and we can allow that to just be. Just be, without judgment or comment.
But I digress. Thanks for listening. Good luck with your new ventures, the discovery that you are not your job, and a new way of thinking. Thinking and making the right choices, leads to a better way of living.