I don't want to be a quitter.

[wannabecnl]

My cohort of nurses (recent grads, 2nd-career) have a reputation for quitting after 2 years. I have made it past 2.5, but I don't know if I can keep this up. I don't want to be yet another quitter who "took the place" in school of someone who would have stuck with it, but I can't live like this.

My problem is worry. It has been my problem since I was a kid, but nursing just brings it out like hives. Yes, I was the student who remembered things on the way home from clinical and called back to the floor in a panic, but it hasn't stopped. I wake up at night after almost every shift in a cold sweat, heart racing, panicking about something I did or didn't do or can't remember. This deprives me of sleep, which does nothing for my critical thinking skills. And it doesn't get any better; every shift seems to bring some weird new thing I couldn't have foreseen or prepared for, so that my supply of concerns is endless.

I tried anti-anxiety meds for about a year after I had a panic attack during orientation. I eventually had to quit because of the side effects. My doctor wants me to try a different one, but I am reluctant; work is the main source of stress, and it's not going to suddenly stop being dangerous and scary just because I'm damping down my response to it.

I don't know what I want you all to write back to me about this. I do know this is a sore subject for a lot of nurses, and I feel guilty and ungrateful. I feel stupid for spending all the money and time on school and now wanting to quit. I'm completely at sea about where I could work instead of this that wouldn't be just as bad. Office? Clinic? I want to do research, but no one is hiring. I want to do missions work, but I need more experience for a lot of the positions.

Just so sad, tired, and disappointed in myself.

[Housebabyj]

I am sorry you feel so bad. You might have OCD. It takes years to find the right medication combo. You may need therapy because you might have the same problem or anxiety in any field you choose. Maybe you could make a check list to assure yourself that you have done everything right. Plus, after your shift is over, someone else will takes over, so it is not like you are leaving patient to fend for himself?

[VivaLasViejas, ASN, RN]

While we cannot diagnose your problem here on a nursing forum, the fact that your doctor wants you on antianxiety medication is telling. It's very difficult to work on anxiety/panic issues if you're in such a stew all the time. There are many excellent choices of antidepressants and anxiolytics which can help you without making you feel "doped". Please listen to your physician and try something if he asks you to.

Therapy would also be likely beneficial to you. Please consider it, as life is far too short to be this miserable. You are NOT a quitter, you just need some help to get your worries and fears under control.

Wishing you the very best. Keep us posted as to how you're doing. We care about you.

[wannabecnl]

Thank you both. It's funny; I counsel my patients every day on the merits of the meds I'm giving them, but I'm reluctant to take anything myself. Thankfully, my anti-anxiety meds didn't make me dopey (actually, they were very effective and I was sharper, if anything, because I wasn't muddling my brain with the gloom and doom all the time), but I quit when I realized I couldn't cry (on several occasions, I needed to cry over something truly sad and couldn't let go--no cathartic emotional cleansing!). That was the last straw, but I was also having some palpitations and appetite issues that were becoming bothersome.

It's so ridiculous, isn't it, though? If I were diabetic, I'd take insulin. If I were hypertensive, I'd take meds. No question. It's not so much a matter of stigma to me as it is risk: do I REALLY need to put myself at risk from side effects of anxiolytics in order to survive? I mean, sure, I could look younger, too, if I wanted to have plastic surgery, but the benefits do not outweigh the risks.

I'm thankful to have a great PCP and a great counselor that I worked with for years but haven't seen in a while--maybe it's time to pay them both a visit! :) I guess I just needed to process my thoughts somewhere other than crying to my poor husband yet again! :)

[Whispera, MSN, RN]

a different anxiolytic might have different or no side effects!

[Graduatenurse14]

I agree with the above posters. Consider giving something else a try.

[MedSurgRN193, BSN, RN]

OP, I feel for you. I recently wrote a post about feelings of anxiety, depression and hopelessness (I'm a new grad - only been working for a year). I am experiencing a lot of the same things you are - I constantly worry about things I've missed, feel like I know nothing as every shift something new comes up that I don't know how to handle/assess, and generally feel guilty about wasting time and money in 3 years of nursing school. I also feel like a failure most of the time...nursing is such a noble profession, how could I feel like it's a bad fit for me? I don't know, but it just feels that way.

I think you made a great point about the anti-anxiety medication...if work is causing your anxiety, do you really need to be taking one just to "dampen" the stress/danger? I am also hesitant to take meds due to potential side effects, as well as the fact that I never felt this way before working as a nurse. Yes, there are positions out there that don't require you to work at the bedside, but as you mentioned, a lot of them require several years of experience or are just plain hard to obtain.

I'm sorry if my post hasn't been too helpful, I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in feeling this way and that you shouldn't feel guilty! Not everyone is suited for bedside care, and it sounds like you work on quite a stressful ward. It is my strong belief that everyone has a niche - trouble is, it's not always easy to find it/become employed in that particular area.

I wish you lots of luck in whatever path you choose to take - whether that be a change in profession/workplace, a different anxiolytic or anything else that you find helps you :) xo

[Gooselady, BSN, RN]

I doubt your job is actually as anxiety producing as you are experiencing it. At least approach the situation as if this may be true. Don't be too quick to give up without trying some different meds available and/or targeted therapy -- especially cognitive behavioral therapy.

How a person THINKS about work is a huge portion of the experience, don't you think? Not everyone experiences their job such that they wake in a panic -- and so many who DO experience this realize their worries are exaggerated to some degree, or based on something that MIGHT have happened. This is a product of how you think about things, it is as individual as a fingerprint, how we habitually 'think' about our experiences.

There's no med that will make nursing a nonstressful job LOL. And everyone who is a nurse has had to find a personal way to cope with the responsibility, thus the stress. It could be that nursing is not a good fit for you, but what you are describing is generalized anxiety/panic in it's most classic form. I'd encourage you to purse meds and specific therapy for anxiety/panic. Heck, the REST of your life will be impacted positively!

[hppygr8ful, ASN, RN, EMT-I]

OP, I feel for you. I recently wrote a post about feelings of anxiety, depression and hopelessness (I'm a new grad - only been working for a year). I am experiencing a lot of the same things you are - I constantly worry about things I've missed, feel like I know nothing as every shift something new comes up that I don't know how to handle/assess, and generally feel guilty about wasting time and money in 3 years of nursing school. I also feel like a failure most of the time...nursing is such a noble profession, how could I feel like it's a bad fit for me? I don't know, but it just feels that way.

I think you made a great point about the anti-anxiety medication...if work is causing your anxiety, do you really need to be taking one just to "dampen" the stress/danger? I am also hesitant to take meds due to potential side effects, as well as the fact that I never felt this way before working as a nurse. Yes, there are positions out there that don't require you to work at the bedside, but as you mentioned, a lot of them require several years of experience or are just plain hard to obtain.

I'm sorry if my post hasn't been too helpful, I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in feeling this way and that you shouldn't feel guilty! Not everyone is suited for bedside care, and it sounds like you work on quite a stressful ward. It is my strong belief that everyone has a niche - trouble is, it's not always easy to find it/become employed in that particular area.

I wish you lots of luck in whatever path you choose to take - whether that be a change in profession/workplace, a different anxiolytic or anything else that you find helps you :) xo

Please don't feel that because you don't know something you are a failure. While I am not a new grad I have been away from the bedside for 9 years so it seems like everyday I am either relearning something or learning some new technique or technology that wasn't in use when I was at the bedside. When I first started I was scared witless for the first 4 to 6 months, but as time went on I became proficient and comfortable. Even today I treat each shift as a learning experience. The day I don't learn something new is the day I hang up my scrubs.

Hppy

[Rokufox]

I feel for you - I worked really hard to get through accelerated nursing school and feel horrible at how much I hate being a nurse. It makes you feel guilty putting all that time and money into something you worked so hard for only to find that you can't stand it. I don't want to go back to making less money, but even making a nurse wage isn't enough to make you feel better about such a high stress demanding job. It's like being stuck in a mudhole, really.