I have a family situation that I am extremely concerned about and don't know what to do. I could really use some advice. My parents are in their early 80's and took my older sister (age 47) into their home 5 months ago to care for her. My sister has Lupus, but 1 year ago she really went down hill. She took to her bed and stopped eating. She refused to go to the doctor. Her husband finally took her to the ER after she fell down the stairs and gashed her head. At the hospital they found stage 4 bedsores on her sacrum. One was the size of a silver dollar and down to the bone. She developed osteomylitis. She weighed 100 lbs. She was put in a nursing home and after six months used up all the insurance benefits (it was a very nice one in California.) Her husband said he was unable to care for her so my parents took her in (they live in Oregon.) She starting receiving excellent medical care, was put on Lexapro and seemed to be getting better. However, any time anyone would mention "wow, you are doing great." or tell her she was getting better and start expecting her to do more things, she would suddenly take a turn for the worse. Examples: She was unplugging her wound vac and her sores would get infected again...she developed pancreatitis and diverticulitis but would refuse to eat right and then end up back in the hospital...she won't do PT because it "hurts too much" and was still using a walker after 5 months. At Thanksgiving when we were all together and the walker started getting too easy and my brother mentioned that perhaps it was time to graduate to a cane, she had a "fall" and is now back in a wheelchair. She won't even use her arms to move the chair, she insists my parents push her! She uses a bedside commode. If she had cooperated with PT she should be getting herself to the bathroom on her own by now. A few weeks ago the hospital discharged her to transitional care in a nursing home because she needed IV antibx Q 6 hrs for yet another infection. She called my parents at 6 a.m because "she couldn't stand it and wasn't getting any sleep." They immediately went to pick her up and take her home. My mother would get up at night to administer her antibx. My sister "was too squeemish to twist on the cap". When i visit my parents I see how exhausted they are. I've offered my help whenever I'm there and tried to tell them they need in home nursing care or she needs to be in a nursing home. I thought of moving her in to my home, but I have 3 kids, a full time job and a very small house. And My husband refuses to even be around her. Plus, She would have to establish with different doctors if she was here. It's like she WANTS to be an invalid. Her wounds are healed, her weight is normal her labs are good and she's on the right meds. Why does she keep making herself sick? Why does she refuse to do anything to get better? My parents refuse any help! They think they can do it all themselves. "We're family - it's our job!" So, they too are part of the whole sick situation! Please, have any of you ever encountered a situation like this? What can I do?
I'm in a similar situation with close family members. The only thing I can do is stand on the sidelines and watch it all unfold, because I've found that my advice to them falls on deaf and then hostile ears.
If you can, protect your parents. Other than that, you really can't force an adult to do something they have no interest in.
I am so sorry that you are in the middle of this.
Blee
PS - I suppose you can put in a call to adult protective services - anonymously of course.
Specializes in primary care, pediatrics, OB/GYN, NICU.
I'm in a similar situation with close family members. The only thing I can do is stand on the sidelines and watch it all unfold, because I've found that my advice to them falls on deaf and then hostile ears.
If you can, protect your parents. Other than that, you really can't force an adult to do something they have no interest in.
I am so sorry that you are in the middle of this.
Blee
PS - I suppose you can put in a call to adult protective services - anonymously of course.
Thank you. It's so true of my situation as well that advice is met with hostile ("how could you even suggest such a thing...she's your sister!") reactions. They refuse offers of help. Still, I struggle every day with guilt.
Specializes in primary care, pediatrics, OB/GYN, NICU.
Has she had a psychological evaluation as of yet?! She needs one and TODAY. She's mentally ill. I would see if you can try and get the ball rolling in this direction ASAP. I would speak to her doctor about what has been going on and share your observations with them. I bet they respond by getting an evaluation and the appropriate doctors involved.
Your parents while well meaning sound like classic enablers. You can't force them to put her in a nursing home or mental health facility while she can't care for herself but that's where she needs to be. I'd say more the latter. Perhaps the doc will suggest that.
Your sister sounds like a master manipulator. She's not well and needs psychological help. Healthy people who are mentally stable don't live this way.
Very true, thank you...I am writing a letter to her doctor with details about the home situation. He won't give me any info about the situation due to HIPAA, but at least I can inform him about what's really going on at the home of his patient and how it is affecting my parents (also his patients.
Very true, thank you...I am writing a letter to her doctor with details about the home situation. He won't give me any info about the situation due to HIPAA, but at least I can inform him about what's really going on at the home of his patient and how it is affecting my parents (also his patients.
Excellent plan of action. :)
About guilt, look at it this way: if your sister was using cocaine would you buy it for her? If she was drinking would you drive her to the liquor store? Enabling her self-destructive behavior is no different. Sometimes the help people want is not the help they need.
Very true, thank you...I am writing a letter to her doctor with details about the home situation. He won't give me any info about the situation due to HIPAA, but at least I can inform him about what's really going on at the home of his patient and how it is affecting my parents (also his patients.
Good job!! I pray they get the psychiatric evaluation ordered pronto. You sound like a very kind and caring person. Pls keep us posted. I'll be praying for all of you. :)
Blee O'Myacin, BSN, RN
721 Posts
I'm in a similar situation with close family members. The only thing I can do is stand on the sidelines and watch it all unfold, because I've found that my advice to them falls on deaf and then hostile ears.
If you can, protect your parents. Other than that, you really can't force an adult to do something they have no interest in.
I am so sorry that you are in the middle of this.
Blee
PS - I suppose you can put in a call to adult protective services - anonymously of course.