okay, just to start off, i need to tell you that this is a complain, moan and whine, sick-of-everything thread. proceed with caution!
i watched yet another abused child come into our unit last night!!!! this is like the 4th or 5th one in as many weeks! i just absolutely cannot stand this anymore!!!! and having to deal with the abusing parent/step-parent/whatever your relation until they are charged is chapping my chops! must remain unbiased, must remain professional, family centered care includes the idiot who caused this ruckus in the first place, of course! oh yes, i totally believe your story, even if this is the 17th different version of it, ma'am. absolutely, every 3-year old sustains massive head trauma from rolling off of the couch.
okay, i've yelled a little, and i feel a little better. thanks! i just wonder why some good decent people can't get pregnant without jumping through hoops, but that girl who lost her first 4 kids d/t abuse now has screaming twin 30 weekers in the nicu. and she can take them home. guess i'll just save them a room in my picu.
I put up a harsh post here the other day. Sometimes children can frustrate a parent to no end and the parent does somethings that they feel horrible over. A parent that tries not to abuse their child and takes responsibility for their actions has all of my sympathy.
However, I have heard of parents that have no regrets over their behavior, blame the child for the abuse, and think they have a right to abuse their kids. They will get absolutely nothing from me except my foot planted in the right spot.
I hear you! I just left peds for the world of adult ICU because I'd had it with dealing with abuse. Just needed a break, I guess. ish we had a medical PICU in this area but all of ours are mixed and take trauma and burns.
Just wanted to add my observation (thought of it after Jan's post) from high tech peds home care about how disruptive the stress is to parents. I'm not a nosey person or a snooper but while pulling my little patien's meds or getting something out of the spice cabinet or toothpase from the bathroom cabinet... let me tell you... all these parents are on at least 2 meds to cope... paxil, xanax, zoloft, ativan, ambien... well, I know my zoloft makes me a better mommy!
Believe me, I'm not embarrassed by my emotions. They are what they are and I would only feel shamed by the negative ones if I let them make choices for me. (The positive ones make choices for me all the time and that's a good thing.) God doesn't choose the qualified for burdens like htese, He qualifies the chosen. I really believe that I was meant to go through all of this so that I can lead others through. That's why I work in PICU.
No one says you have to be nice to them. But you should be civil. Perhaps they believe that they can somehow redeem themselves by facing what they did and accepting the scorn and disgust they know they will receive by doing so. Is it enabling to model appropriate behavior or to offer education on how to cope with frustration when that baby won't stop crying? I agree that there are some people who will never see that what they've done is wrong, who feel no discomfort at all when seeing what their abuse has caused. But I think many more people are aware that they could have done things differently if they had better coping skills, more help, an outlet for their emotion. Someone to take the screaming baby outside for awhile. Someone to mop up the urine off the sofa this time. Is there nothing in your life that you wish you'd not done? And does being furiously angry at the parent help you give better care to the innocent child?
There is no justification for hitting a child, a woman, or anyone. Yes, I have done things in my life that I deeply regret, but they only hurt me, not my children. I agree, that parents should be educated and good behavior should be modeled. What I don't understand, is WHY the parents are even allowed to be around the child that they have caused to be in this hospital. I know this makes me sound really cold hearted, but I am really sick and tired of hearing excuse after excuse. I think we need stricter laws against abuse. A person will spend more time in jail for posession of a controlled substance than committing sexual abuse of a child. That is rediculous! Where do we draw the line with abuse?
Nurses, doctors, social workers, teachers--we can all be great at the technical skills, and even sympathize, but there is something very comforting knowing that the professional you're dealing with has been through what you're going through.
When my daughter screamed all day, and I had so much difficulty breast-feeding her, the pedi's nurse, who usually never said a thing during an office visit, gave me a can of formula and said, "Your baby will thrive on this." Then she told me to put the baby down in her crib every hour or so, just for 10 minutes, and go outside, far enough away so I couldn't hear her screaming. The conversation lasted no more than three minutes, but something about how she said it led me to think that she'd been in my shoes before, and her comments gave me strength. I thank God every day that she stepped in and told me to stop holding my baby when I was frustrated.
Some abusers I just can't understand, and I'd agree that some really need to stop having children. But I agree that trying to understand parents are coming from and to educate them only helps the children. I was a new mom, and though I had a master's in special education and had worked with many families of infants and young children with disabilities, my training didn't prepare me for the incompetence, frustration, and depression I felt during that time. I think so many parents are underprepared for their job, and professionals never know when one of their comments will change a child's life for the better.
This is also very true for young moms! I had my first baby at 20. I will never forget the conversation I had with another mom with more experience that actually admitted to me that it is normal to FEEL frustrated! I was beating myself up for even THINKING that I was tired, frustrated and sometimes ready to give up! My baby never slept, he took naps! That day she was actually joking about being a mom, but she has no idea that this particular conversation opened up a flood gate of emotions for me and released me from all that silly guilt. Once I was able to admit that I was tired, etc..., I easily dealt with it by calling and asking someone for help (God Bless my mother! :redbeathe) I didn't know that other moms felt this way! I didn't know I was normal! I loved and cherished my baby so much and I thought there was something wrong with me for feeling that way!:bowingpur
Specializes in peds critical care, peds GI, peds ED.
What a wonderful blessing to find out you are not alone in this frequent tragedy that eats into the PICU world like an insidious cancer. As PICU nurses, we grieve over children who have organic illnesses like cancer or sickle cell or sepsis. But, we get horribly and justifibly angry with senseless injuries and deaths resulting from child abuse and negligence.
Not for one moment do I believe our feelings are wrong or unjustified. However, to do our jobs, we have to focus on why we are here- to care for the kids. If this means we have to have a working relationship with parents who are possibly at fault, so be it. We are not condoning wrong behavior by creating civility with these people. Sometimes, critical information is discovered because nurses have opened channels of communication with unsavory parents. For example, I was taking care of a toddler with massive acidosis of unknown etiology. The mother was a suspect in poisioning, but no agent had been identified. Through talking with her over several hours, she confessed and gave us the chemical- organophosphates. She talked to me because she felt safe and ultimately the child was placed in protective custody.
Specializes in Peds Critical Care, Dialysis, General.
We've had a run of child abuse cases in our PICU. The county I live in is extremely slow in its handling of cases - the abusers and the enablers visit, albeit, supervised. One case let the mom supervise the dad who had abused the baby - where's the logic in that. In our outlying counties, they are pretty quick to take action and jail the suspected abuser and deny visitation to enablers.
I, too, understand the frustration of parenting. My daddy gave me very good advice that parallels other posts. He always told me that if I got frustrated, ill, upset, whatever, put the baby in the bed, close the door and take a few quick walks around the yard. Or, put baby in car seat and go for a drive. Amazing how that car can calm a baby.
It is difficult to maintain neutrality in these cases, especially when the suspect decided he's gonna tape us (RNs, MDs) providing care for his child. And repeatedly stating that "they can't prove we/I did anything wrong". I was raised in the south, where we believe you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar. We were nice, professional, etc and he eventually hung himself with his own words.
Jan, as always, your vulnerability and transparency are what makes you a truly beautiful, excellent nurse and human being.
squeakykitty
934 Posts
I put up a harsh post here the other day. Sometimes children can frustrate a parent to no end and the parent does somethings that they feel horrible over. A parent that tries not to abuse their child and takes responsibility for their actions has all of my sympathy.
However, I have heard of parents that have no regrets over their behavior, blame the child for the abuse, and think they have a right to abuse their kids. They will get absolutely nothing from me except my foot planted in the right spot.