I have had it!!

squeakykitty · Apr 1, 2008

I totally understand your frustration. I just don't see why some people should be parents. Especially people who keep on having kid after kid after having each and every one of them taken away from them for abuse.

I just want to say to abusive parents everywhere-------

IF NORMAL CHILD HOOD BEHAVIOR SUCH AS CRYING, SPILLS, BEING HUNGRY UPSETS YOU THAT MUCH-----

WHY EVEN BE AROUND ANY KIDS??

WHY DO YOU KEEP HAVING THEM? WHY NOT GET YOUR TUBES TIED!!

:spbox::spbox::spbox::spbox:

Pediatric Critical Care Columnist · Apr 1, 2008

It's really hard to keep doing what we do when the people who are supposed to love and protect our patients are the ones who hurt them. And the ones we see in PICU are but the tip of the iceberg. I think the medical world has to share some of the blame, as you alluded in your post kessadawn. It's been very well documented that children with special needs are many more times likely to be abused than children who are "normal" and yet we keep pushing back the boundaries of life at all cost. The prems, the congenital hearts, the metabolic disorders, all the things we can "fix" we fix... only the cost to the family and ultimately the child never gets a moment's consideration. One of my offspring is severely handicapped as a result of attempts to "fix" him, and now that he's an adult and I've been doing this for a lot of years, I can understand the demon that drives parents to lash out at their circumstances, with the child being the convenient target... There are days when I'm sopping up urine from the sofa yet again, days when I'm fighting another round with the government over supports for him, days when I'm taking him to another appointment for adjustment of his orthoses, days when every muscle in my body protests when I do anything... that I wish, just for an instant, that I was somebody else. Times when I have to remind myself that he didn't create his problems, that he didn't ask for this any more than I did, that he's not doing it on purpose and that I need to stop. Breathe. Take a walk. If I didn't have the understanding of my situation that I do, it would be too easy to imagine myself taking it all out on him. He's there, he's why I'm angry and frustrated, he's not going to tell, I might feel better for a minute, you know what I mean. I do believe we all have a responsibility to control our own actions and to be accountable for them, but at the same time, I understand. That's how I can make small talk with someone I know has done something horrible to their child. But for the grace of God...

jenj1928 · Apr 2, 2008

janfrn, you are truely an amazing person. Like you said it is never acceptable but in a scary way understandable in the craziness they live everyday, not that it is ever an excuse I know that but an insight. Bless you for all you do everyday, both at home and at work.:heartbeat

Pediatric Critical Care Columnist · Apr 2, 2008

:omy: Now I'm blushing. I only do what I have to do. There are many more times when the sight of his smiling face and the feel of his oh-so-emphatic hugs just make my day. He's funny and charming and easy to amuse. He wakes up in a good mood every day and goes back to bed in a good mood at the end of every day. He makes people smile and everybody loves him. But it is hard.

4jen · Apr 2, 2008

I just finished my clinicals at a childrens hospital and I loved it. However we had several abuse cases that haunted me for days. On top of that we just had lousy parents, parents that couldn't for a million dollars console or comfort their child. Parents that would not wake up when their child was screaming and parents who thought it was appropriate to do inappropriate things to their boyfriend in the room while the child was awake. I just don't know about this world I do know I think about those children often and I hope they somehow make it out of what they are in. I want nothing more than to work peds I just don't know if I will be able to let stuff go.

Thank you for posting and janfrn thanks for being so honest and for being you which is more than enough for your son. :)

perfectbluebuildings, BSN, RN · Apr 3, 2008

Jan, you are amazing. Thanks for that post. I struggle to be kind, in action and in thought, to the parents of children who are abused. It just makes me so angry and sad to see those innocent kids whose lives are seriously, irrevocably changed. But what you say, is such a good reminder. And also, every once in a while, one of those kids gets taken away from those abusive parents before any serious injury and grows up in a loving happy home.. that is what gives me hope sometimes.

Sorry, didn't mean to write so much. This subject is just close to me right now... have had some bad/stupid situations on my floor lately that make you want to go home and cry or throw up. Anyway, kudos to all of you, and especially again, thanks Jan. ok... I'm going to be quiet now

(edited to add: just to clarify... i'm not a PICU nurse... but we do see too much of this on the pediatric floor (especially the neglect/complete apathy toward their own child), though i am sure not the severity that you all do...)

AliRae · Apr 3, 2008

I'm not dealing with child abuse any more, really. But the longer I'm here in Liberia, the sicker I get in retrospect at some of the stuff I saw while I was in the States. Honestly, what possesses people to hurt their children?

We have a plastic surgeon on board at the moment, so I'm caring for kid after kid having burn contracture revisions and grafting etc. Kiddos who were burned by rebels during the wars here and in Sierra Leone. Kids who rolled into the fire because it's a lot harder to keep a kid out of a fire on the ground than it is to keep them away from the top of a stove.

I had a kid today who's going to die from a cancer she has. She came to us too late, and there's just nothing that we could have done in the first place, because we just don't have the resources in this country. Her mum would give anything to have more time with her. And there are parents in the States who hurt their kids because they cry a little too much.

It makes me sick.

/rant.

editor2rn · Apr 4, 2008

Jan,

Don't be embarassed by your emotions. Before becoming a parent, I taught preschool for kids with disabilities, and the burden on parents is tremendous. Though they love their kids dearly, the responsibilities are overwhelming and exhausting.

Then I had my own daughter, who, by the grace of God, is healthy, but she did scream nonstop for four months. There were times when I had to put her in her crib, turn up the stereo, and go outside of my house, or I would have shaken her, not because I don't love her but because of the sheer frustration of the situation. Since then, like you, I can understand how some parents simply lose it. We're the mature, responsible adults, but still, it's so difficult to be a parent.

I spent a lot of time at the ped's office with my daughter when she was an infant, and the doctor kept telling me to hold on to the fact that she'd eventually stop crying and that she had no chronic illness or disability. I then saw my PPCD parents in a new light. I am in awe of parents who deal with the cards they're given and do so in a loving way. You are a blessing to your son. :redpinkhe

skinnyNurse · Apr 4, 2008

WHY do we have to be nice to the abusers? I think that is why they are bold enough to show their face, because they are NOt ashamed! Sometimes, SHAME can be a tool. People these days freak out over "shaming someone" but I think in this particular instance, they should feel ashamed. They are not going to if we as nurses and society continue to "pretend and be nice" which in my opinion is thereby enabling their behavior.

Pediatric Critical Care Columnist · Apr 4, 2008

Jan,
Don't be embarassed by your emotions. Before becoming a parent, I taught preschool for kids with disabilities, and the burden on parents is tremendous. Though they love their kids dearly, the responsibilities are overwhelming and exhausting.
I am in awe of parents who deal with the cards they're given and do so in a loving way. You are a blessing to your son. :redpinkhe

Believe me, I'm not embarrassed by my emotions. They are what they are and I would only feel shamed by the negative ones if I let them make choices for me. (The positive ones make choices for me all the time and that's a good thing.) God doesn't choose the qualified for burdens like htese, He qualifies the chosen. I really believe that I was meant to go through all of this so that I can lead others through. That's why I work in PICU.

WHY do we have to be nice to the abusers? I think that is why they are bold enough to show their face, because they are NOt ashamed! Sometimes, SHAME can be a tool. People these days freak out over "shaming someone" but I think in this particular instance, they should feel ashamed. They are not going to if we as nurses and society continue to "pretend and be nice" which in my opinion is thereby enabling their behavior.

No one says you have to be nice to them. But you should be civil. Perhaps they believe that they can somehow redeem themselves by facing what they did and accepting the scorn and disgust they know they will receive by doing so. Is it enabling to model appropriate behavior or to offer education on how to cope with frustration when that baby won't stop crying? I agree that there are some people who will never see that what they've done is wrong, who feel no discomfort at all when seeing what their abuse has caused. But I think many more people are aware that they could have done things differently if they had better coping skills, more help, an outlet for their emotion. Someone to take the screaming baby outside for awhile. Someone to mop up the urine off the sofa this time. Is there nothing in your life that you wish you'd not done? And does being furiously angry at the parent help you give better care to the innocent child?

editor2rn · Apr 4, 2008

I really believe that I was meant to go through all of this so that I can lead others through. That's why I work in PICU.

Nurses, doctors, social workers, teachers--we can all be great at the technical skills, and even sympathize, but there is something very comforting knowing that the professional you're dealing with has been through what you're going through.

When my daughter screamed all day, and I had so much difficulty breast-feeding her, the pedi's nurse, who usually never said a thing during an office visit, gave me a can of formula and said, "Your baby will thrive on this." Then she told me to put the baby down in her crib every hour or so, just for 10 minutes, and go outside, far enough away so I couldn't hear her screaming. The conversation lasted no more than three minutes, but something about how she said it led me to think that she'd been in my shoes before, and her comments gave me strength. I thank God every day that she stepped in and told me to stop holding my baby when I was frustrated.

Some abusers I just can't understand, and I'd agree that some really need to stop having children. But I agree that trying to understand parents are coming from and to educate them only helps the children. I was a new mom, and though I had a master's in special education and had worked with many families of infants and young children with disabilities, my training didn't prepare me for the incompetence, frustration, and depression I felt during that time. I think so many parents are underprepared for their job, and professionals never know when one of their comments will change a child's life for the better.