I Need Major Guidance!!!

nurse4theplanet, RN · Mar 20, 2005

i have a very touchy subject that i really need some help in dealing with. so, your advice is greatly appreciated. my brother is living with and having sexual relations with a woman he met and moved in with about three months ago. the problem is that this woman made a comment to me today that she doesn't care for blood donor centers. after much persuasion, she explained that she had received positive hiv results approximately 5 years ago. i asked if she had further tests and she stated, "no, they are full of it and just trying to get my money". i don't know if she has ever discussed this with my brother and i know that it is not going to go over really well if this comes from me. worst part of all this, the sexual relations are unprotected and anal sex is a major part of their relations. any suggestions? this has been going on for three months. help!!!!

do something immediately! this is not the hospital where you have an obligation to keep info confidential....this is the well being of your brother! number one, you should have educated her immediately on the severity of aids and how easily it is spread, urging her to get tested again. then you should have told her she had the option of telling your brother or you could do it for her (in a supportive way). if she refused, then you tell her that you have no choice. if he doesn't believe you and it causes tension, well at least you tried. but if he does you could possibly save his life! i don't see a delimma here at all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :uhoh3:

nurseinalabama · Mar 20, 2005

DO SOMETHING IMMEDIATELY! This is not the hospital where you have an obligation to keep info confidential....this is the well being of your brother! Number One, you should have educated her immediately on the severity of aids and how easily it is spread, urging her to get tested again. Then you should have told her she had the option of telling your brother or you could do it for her (in a supportive way). If she refused, then you tell her that you have no choice. If he doesn't believe you and it causes tension, well at least you tried. But if he does you could possibly save his life! I don't see a delimma here at all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I agree that he should be told, and I did explain the severity of AIDS and HIV to her. I also explained that I would be happy to go with her to be retested and that it would be in her best interest to have this done. Also, I quite adamently insisted that she have a talk with my brother about this. I know there is a cocktail of drugs that can be taken at the early onset or suspicion that has a very good outlook. My problem is that after three months wouldn't it be more than likely that if lshe is POSITIVE for HIV that he will also? AIDS and HIV is something that I haven't dealt with in a patient. I don't know how he would react and he is the type to react first very stupidly and then think about the consequences. So as for speaking with him, please tell me how to go about that with someone who is already a ticking timebomb.

Dixielee, BSN, RN · Mar 20, 2005

Protect your brother. This woman is a complete idiot! Confidentiality is not the issue, your brothers health and safety is. Call him NOW. Even if he gets mad at you for now, he will appeciate it when he has time to get over the shock. This will at least give him the opportunity to do something about it.

As far as how to tell him, this is an emergency. You do not have time to wait for the "right moment and the right way". Call him now, tell him you heard some disturbing news and because you love him and are concerned for him, you thought he needed to know right away. Do not wait another minute. Call him now. You have no excuses.

You are obligated as his sister. You owe this woman nothing. If she wants to be reckless with her own life that is one thing, but she is endangering others thru her own stupidity and selfishness. I don't think I can be any clearer in what I think you are obligated to do, in the name of family.

nurseinalabama · Mar 20, 2005

Your right, I think I am still trying to keep the confidentiality guidelines intact here. I will call right now and then let you know what I find out. Thank you so much for your kind advice. Cyndi

Dixielee, BSN, RN · Mar 20, 2005

Please let us know what happens. You are doing the right thing.

nurseinalabama · Mar 20, 2005

Please let us know what happens. You are doing the right thing.

Well, all did not go anywhere like I would hope that it would. He hung up the phone on me so, not to be outdone, I called him back begging that he at least listen to me and he agreed to come over so that we could sit down and discuss this. So, he should be here in about 15 minutes and his girlfriend is coming with him. Now my heart is pounding just knowing that I am about to make him have a true grown up talk about his recent and future health if he doesn't do something now and about her not taking the responsibility to be woman enough to tell him or any other partner about what she may or may not have. So now I am looking up information and have already found the national AIDS hotline number. Maybe they can give me some pointers on how to discuss this with him. Ya'll please keep me in your prayers that I can find the right words to say to make him listen and that he will listen and pay attention to what I have to say. Also, that I can find the strength to say what really needs to be said. Thank you so much. Cyndi :crying2:

nurse4theplanet, RN · Mar 20, 2005

Just knowing he is willing to come over and find out information from you shows how much he values your opinion and needs your support. Good Luck! Ya'll will be in my prayers.

Dixielee, BSN, RN · Mar 20, 2005

Good job! Thank God he is at least coming over. What he decides to do is his decision, but you have made him aware of the danger and it is up to him to follow up. You don't have to have all the information at your fingertips for him right now. Now is an emotional time he will have to deal with. He has to be concerned about his own health as well as being misled and lied to by this woman he trusted. You only have to be there as a support person, and let him do most of the talking. There is a lot of info out there. He needs to see a physician right away for testing. There are HIV information lines and support groups as well you may refer him to. But you have taken the first and most important step. You can not worry about the ultimate outcome. You have done the right thing.

How bad would you have felt if he did not get the information now, and came to you later and asked you why you didn't tell him when you first learned the truth? Many times the truth is hard to swallow, but it now gives him options he would not have had otherwise. You may have saved his life.

I will be praying for you and your brother. You have already shown great strength, you are doing fine!

button2cute · Mar 20, 2005

Good job! Thank God he is at least coming over. What he decides to do is his decision, but you have made him aware of the danger and it is up to him to follow up. You don't have to have all the information at your fingertips for him right now. Now is an emotional time he will have to deal with. He has to be concerned about his own health as well as being misled and lied to by this woman he trusted. You only have to be there as a support person, and let him do most of the talking. There is a lot of info out there. He needs to see a physician right away for testing. There are HIV information lines and support groups as well you may refer him to. But you have taken the first and most important step. You can not worry about the ultimate outcome. You have done the right thing.
How bad would you have felt if he did not get the information now, and came to you later and asked you why you didn't tell him when you first learned the truth? Many times the truth is hard to swallow, but it now gives him options he would not have had otherwise. You may have saved his life.
I will be praying for you and your brother. You have already shown great strength, you are doing fine!

Hmmm, I would like to hear the outcome.

Because I believe she has an obligation to her brother as well as to his gf. I feel that she should approach him in a positive way and to give information about aids/hiv as well as being responsible in sexual relationships with anyone. In addition, she should make them both responsible for not asking about their sexual history as well as the usage of protection materials in sexual activities.

I know the blood bank has misdiagnosis people in their testing proceedures and it is important to do a follow-up. I know five people who were told by the blood bank they could not give blood anymore due to being hiv. Then they went to their family physician and additional testing was perform. The results came back negative and their family physicians are now following up on the proceedure the blood bank use to determine the hiv/ais statuse. They are suing the blood bank because it cause them a lot of stress and money for the proceedures and hiv medications. therefore, a follow up is greatly necessary for the person or people who recieve a notice in the mail by the blood bank.

I hope she does not lose a brother over this situation. All she can do is to inform him and the gf, provide advice and support, provide information on hiv/aids and std's, provide alternatives for sexual activities, provide a physician that can do additional work on the gf as well as the brother (if they do not have a family physician) and to improve communication between her brother and gf. In addition, she should not point fingers or say she has hiv/aid because if the test comes out negative than she just screwed up. She can say that the gf mention that the blood bank sent her a notification of having hiv/aids and did not follow up because she thought is was a way to take her money. It is in the approach to get people to listen and not being a load cannon by shouting and accusing. Therefore, if her approach is good and they go to the physician for additional blood work than she has accomplish her goal.

Just my two cents. It is okay to agree to disagree what I had stated above.

Friends,

Buttons

NurseFirst · Mar 20, 2005

Well, all did not go anywhere like I would hope that it would. He hung up the phone on me so, not to be outdone, I called him back begging that he at least listen to me and he agreed to come over so that we could sit down and discuss this. So, he should be here in about 15 minutes and his girlfriend is coming with him. Now my heart is pounding just knowing that I am about to make him have a true grown up talk about his recent and future health if he doesn't do something now and about her not taking the responsibility to be woman enough to tell him or any other partner about what she may or may not have. So now I am looking up information and have already found the national AIDS hotline number. Maybe they can give me some pointers on how to discuss this with him. Ya'll please keep me in your prayers that I can find the right words to say to make him listen and that he will listen and pay attention to what I have to say. Also, that I can find the strength to say what really needs to be said. Thank you so much. Cyndi

Well, it's too late now, but one of the ways of "sliding information" in is to ask someone's advice about how they would handle the situation. Or, raise it as a "suppose". This can help to defuse the situation by bringing the subject up without, at first, directly (consciously) involving him. This allows him to at least consider the idea without having to deal with the emotional shock at first.

NurseFirst

Dixielee, BSN, RN · Mar 20, 2005

"All she can do is to inform him and the gf, provide advice and support, provide information on hiv/aids and std's, provide alternatives for sexual activities, provide a physician that can do additional work on the gf as well as the brother (if they do not have a family physician) and to improve communication between her brother and gf. "

I do not think it is the original posters obligation to do all the providing you suggessted above. It is her obligation to protect her brother from a potential lethal disease since she was told by the girlfriend she had tested positive. I hope it WAS a false positive, but her brother had the right to know. Now it is up to the brother and his GF to take it from here. She was doing the responsible thing.

As far as 'sliding information" to her brother. How do you bring something like that up in casual conversation? I have always prefered the direct approach and would hope someone would be direct with me. Fear of the unknown or just not having a clue can be fatal errors. Once you are armed with some information then you can make informed choices.

If I ever contract a deadly disease, I want my physician to be direct with me, not ask me hypothetical questions about how I would react if I were a phantom patient. My way may not be correct for anyone else, but it works for me.