As I write that title I have tears building up. I remember not so long ago when I prayed and so longed to get my first nursing job when it was so hard to get one last year. I begged and begged and begged...Huh! Be careful what you wish for.
I am on my 2nd nursing floor job in less than a year and now looking into switching again. I hate going to work, I dread it with a passion. My first job was on a cardiac unit. Now I work on a med/surg hospital floor 3rd shift with a 1:7 patient-ratio. How can I take care of my patients when I have 4 at the same time requesting pain meds and 2 very needy patients and 1 on a blood transfusion? I'm sick and tired of passing on report what I couldn't do or couldn't get done. I hate myself for not being a good nurse, for not being able to answer simple questions like "What was the patient's hemoglobin before transfusion?" because I didn't have time to look it up in the chart. I hate all the double documentation I have to do and how time consuming it is.
I hate these 12 hours shifts, especially when they turn into 13 - 15 hour shifts on a regular basis and missing out on another day with my kids. I don't even enjoy my days off because I'm so exhausted from working all those long nights that all I do is sleep and work, sleep and work, and sleep some more...I miss my kids! Then, I'm tired of using all of my patience at work that I don't have any left for my kids when I am at home. I hate blowing up at my husband because I'm so gosh-darned irritated all the time at home because I'm so frustrated from work.
Sometimes I cry in the shower when I'm getting ready to go to work. If I could turn back time, I would not have gone to nursing school. When I first thought of going into nursing, this is NOT what I imagined it would be. It is not as pretty as they picture it on the nursing commercials on TV. I thought it was about taking care of the patient, holding their hands, having a decent conversation with them. PLEASE!!! When's the last time you were able to do that when you have 9pm meds to pass in 30 minutes to 7 patients???!!! Never mind having to squeeze in an admision or 2 or transfer patients in and out. I want to be able to hold their hands, run my fingers through a patient's hair, listen to their stories, give them back rubs, and not be muttering under my breath "I got to get out of this room, I have too much to do!" What happened to actual nursing care??? It doesn't exist where I work. I hate my job so much that I even talked my oldest daughter out of becoming a nurse. Now she is thinking of being a Meteorologist and I'm supporting her in that decision 100%!
I hope to try a different nursing job, a different setting. If that don't work out either, I don't know what I will do. My husband keeps telling me that I went to nursing school so that is what I need to work as especially since I still owe student loans. If only I can turn back time...
Am I the only one who feels this way? Am I the only one who regrets this devined decision of being a nurse? Am I the only one crying on my way to work or crying on my way home after? Feeling overwhelmed at how bad of a nurse I feel? Someone told me that I hated my job so much becaused I cared too much that maybe I should look into doing 1:1 nursing care. Maybe she's right. Maybe I care too much. Maybe this is not what I was meant to do, but now I feel stuck...now what do I do?
