I hate being in a monitoring program

[dancinginthedark]

Can I say that? It feels taboo to say. My therapist gives a report to the board. I can't tell them or give any less than a smile and positive vibes in support meetings. I'm constantly worried I will blurt out one day: I hate it here. 

I hate monitoring. It sucks. It gets on my nerves that I should feel grateful for the one size fits all approach. I wouldn't resent it if I wasn't constantly told that I am being given a second chance, the not-so-subtle pressure to look at the bright side of things. 

I self-reported. I didn't read the fine print. I didn't have a court case, or a referral from my employer, but wish I did. In a moment of weakness, I called a hotline and before I knew it, I signed away 3 years of my life. Yes, that's right. 3 years. The flowchart that makes all the decisions said I needed 3 years. 

I hate so many little things about this program.

Check in everyday between 4am-4pm - Why not just call me on the day of? 

Weekly support meetings - Why not have weekly office hours in case of questions/concerns instead of another support group on top of everything else?

Random drug screenings - Why not limit this to participants with substance use disorders? 

Night shift - It is so hard to get a day shift position! Is every participant a night shift nurse or something??

Overtime - At some point, monitoring ends, so why not allow participants to make the same choices that they would make when not in monitoring? Why not allow people that chance to make ends meet?

---

I hesitate even posting this on here. I feel this urge to defend myself against the people who will be quick to say how it saved their life, we should be grateful, you wouldn't be here if you didn't have a problem, etc. And listen, you saved your life, OK? You made the choice to get your life in order. And while most days, I can delude myself into seeing the glass as half full, I feel often like I'm going to burst because I always have to give some preamble about how this is a great opportunity. It feels like groveling, and if I don't get this out then I am going to end up bitter. 

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk!

[Healer555]

nolongeranurse said:

I participated in the program once for 5 years. I was reported by my ex husbands girlfriend a second time and refused an assessment. I was then reported to the board. anyways my stipulations  from the board were no different than what the program would have been. the only thing difference was everything was public now. So at least in my case there would have been no advantage to decline the health program. If I wanted to continue to be a nurse I would still be reporting to a program for 5 years. 

We're you actually guilty of anything you were reported for?

[nolongeranurse]

please excuse the typo and spelling. I am on the bus writing this

[nolongeranurse]

I am not sure if guilty would be the word I would pick,  but yes I was using a substance and I was a nurse. 

[Healer555]

nolongeranurse said:

you have to understand that you can hate something but it can still be good for you. it's not like any of us make wise decisions all the time.  sometimes the universe decisions for us that we don't like but in the long run they are the best thing that could happen to us. I hated the program too but you only have two choices here - quit nursing or participate in the program, I participated once for five years and I did not like it but I decided I was going to learn everything I could from it. the second time I was required to participate I decided I was going to quit being a nurse and not partipate. did I make the right decision. I think I did but matter what decision I made I had to deal with my substance abuse issues, life choices and work on better  coping patterns or I wasn't going to get where I wanted to be. you have a choice.you can do whatever you want. you don't have to participate in the if you don't want to but if you do participate remember it is your choice to do so. You are paying for services just like anyone else. You might as well as look at it as a service that you are getting to prove you are competent and decimated to being a nurse. you have all these people that are working for you to help you be the best well adjusted nurse you can be. you are able to participated in a very high cost therapy. you are working on you. and in the end, for how much *** you have went through you can say I hated it the whole time but look at the work I've done. 

I really don't see it as anyone working for me. I see opportunists making money due to my misfortune. What did you learn? Also ,what do you do for a living now?

[Erin1984]

Yes some nurses have substance abuse problems and need help. I agree. I don't think these monitoring programs are the answer though. This program has left me with nothing but anxiety and PTSD...

[Healer555]

Erin1984 said:

Yes some nurses have substance abuse problems and need help. I agree. I don't think these monitoring programs are the answer though. This program has left me with nothing but anxiety and PTSD...

Agree. My recovery from this will start when my monitoring agreement is over. 

[NurseNoMore]

I absolutely loathe this program. 

$200 minimum in Spectrum360 account.

$72 monthly payment to program.

$40 minimum charge on site for EACH observed collection with a concurrent $38 deduction from said Spectrum360 account.

I have so much to say but I know the powers that be lurk here so...

[nolongeranurse]

This is what my counselor told me "you can look at it any way you want to but in the end if you want to be a nurse you need to participate in the program so you can prove that you are not using drugs and that you are mentally stable and not at risk to your patients. Some nurses seem to be shocked that they are being treated like common drug users and no one seems to understand that they are nurses and therefore shouldn't be treated this way. Well guess what sunshine? - if you are asked to participate in the program it's probably because something happened regarding you, drugs or alcohol and for some reason people don't take too kindly to anyone including nurses using drugs. Welcome to the real world! No one wants a druggie nurse stealing their medication or being high when they put their IV in. Instead of complaining about being in the program you should realize that you are lucky that you are even allowed to be a nurse still because if  you ask a lot of people they would say you should never be allowed to be a nurse again. Also you are lucky you aren't where most drug users are- which is prison and that's where you are probably going to end up if you keep on using because believe me- no one cares that you are a nurse there. You are just another druggie going where you belong. so you can whine and cry and tell everyone how it isn't fair or you can just get with the program and maybe u will learn something a long the way. I understand that no one likes to be drug tested every other week but u might as well have proof that you are not using drugs so if anyone decides to try and say that you are acting strange or anything- you can show them that you are not using and are following the advice of your physician and are being the good, nurse you should be. As far as the system taking your money- well no one works for free in this world and if you decide to get yourself in this mess- you are going to pay to get out of. so instead of complaining about all of us taking advantage of your situation-realize we are the people who are helping you to document your recovery. It's a service that you pay for. if you decide u don't want to partipate in the program- then don't. No one is forcing you to partipate. If you don't participate - your nursing license will probably get suspended but that's your choice. You are the reason we are all here. No one is doing this to you or taking advantage of your situation. You put yourself here and now we are trying to help you get out of this mess so you can hate it and scream and yell and cry and ***,  but in the end- u hate here because u want to be here , and yes we are here because it is what we get paid to do and so we might as well just get through it together and prove that you are the hot shot nurse who is working her program instead of snorting drugs in the restroom. Believe me- no one likes that ***.”

 

I summarized that whole speil  course but that what I needed to hear when I started this whole thing. It might not be helpful to you-so if it's not- just don't pay attention to it.

 

I think I just needed to know that I was in control. I could leave if I wanted too and it wasn't going to be forever. it was just a matter of doing it and getting it over with. No one cares if I like it or not and it was a way that I could show that I  wasn't using and I was doing what I was suppose to do and no one could say anything different. 

[Healer555]

nolongeranurse said:

This is what my counselor told me "you can look at it any way you want to but in the end if you want to be a nurse you need to participate in the program so you can prove that you are not using drugs and that you are mentally stable and not at risk to your patients. Some nurses seem to be shocked that they are being treated like common drug users and no one seems to understand that they are nurses and therefore shouldn't be treated this way. Well guess what sunshine? - if you are asked to participate in the program it's probably because something happened regarding you, drugs or alcohol and for some reason people don't take too kindly to anyone including nurses using drugs. Welcome to the real world! No one wants a druggie nurse stealing their medication or being high when they put their IV in. Instead of complaining about being in the program you should realize that you are lucky that you are even allowed to be a nurse still because if  you ask a lot of people they would say you should never be allowed to be a nurse again. Also you are lucky you aren't where most drug users are- which is prison and that's where you are probably going to end up if you keep on using because believe me- no one cares that you are a nurse there. You are just another druggie going where you belong. so you can whine and cry and tell everyone how it isn't fair or you can just get with the program and maybe u will learn something a long the way. I understand that no one likes to be drug tested every other week but u might as well have proof that you are not using drugs so if anyone decides to try and say that you are acting strange or anything- you can show them that you are not using and are following the advice of your physician and are being the good, nurse you should be. As far as the system taking your money- well no one works for free in this world and if you decide to get yourself in this mess- you are going to pay to get out of. so instead of complaining about all of us taking advantage of your situation-realize we are the people who are helping you to document your recovery. It's a service that you pay for. if you decide u don't want to partipate in the program- then don't. No one is forcing you to partipate. If you don't participate - your nursing license will probably get suspended but that's your choice. You are the reason we are all here. No one is doing this to you or taking advantage of your situation. You put yourself here and now we are trying to help you get out of this mess so you can hate it and scream and yell and cry and ***,  but in the end- u hate here because u want to be here , and yes we are here because it is what we get paid to do and so we might as well just get through it together and prove that you are the hot shot nurse who is working her program instead of snorting drugs in the restroom. Believe me- no one likes that ***.”

 

I summarized that whole speil  course but that what I needed to hear when I started this whole thing. It might not be helpful to you-so if it's not- just don't pay attention to it.

 

I think I just needed to know that I was in control. I could leave if I wanted too and it wasn't going to be forever. it was just a matter of doing it and getting it over with. No one cares if I like it or not and it was a way that I could show that I  wasn't using and I was doing what I was suppose to do and no one could say anything different. 

Please remember not all of us have a SUD but have to jump through hoops to keep our license 

[nolongeranurse]

I did write in the end of my comment that this is not for everyone so I don't know if it needed to be voted down but I realize that comment is harsh. it is helpful for people like me because I really didn't understand why this whole thing was happening to me. I didn't take my patients drugs. I didn't go to work high. I didn't feel like I put anyone's safety at risk. I did paperwork all day. I didn't even really do patient care. No one even knew at work that I used a substance. In fact my drug of choice was legal-  if I had a prescription for it- but I didn't. When I decided to go to treatment I did so because I felt like I needed some time away from my life to get things back in order and here all of a sudden I am being reported as a drug user. How is that fair? I don't understand why I am being punished like this. So when someone finally just told me very bluntly why this was happening to me - it helped me understand how this all worked and why. it was nothing personal. It's just the way the system is and it helped me to understand that. I needed to hear that. It's not for everyone.

I will say that it is true- not everyone has a SUD but it really doesn't matter if you do have one or you don't have one- if you decide to participate in the program- you most likely aren't going to enjoy it  and it is a huge pain in the ***. I don't think it is put in place to help the nurse recover from anything. It's just a way of monitoring nurses behavior while allowing them to keep their license and allows the nurse to keep their name from being posted on their state's BON site. Basically, at least in my state, if you admit to using a substance you will have to agree to being monitored for 3 -  5 years, if you want to keep your license. It is not fair and it's not something that any normal person would enjoy. It will come in handy if anyone accuses you of using substances because you can show that your drug tests are negative. You wouldn't be monitored forever and it will be over sooner than u think. It's OK to complain.about it but remember you are tough. You can get through it. You are capable of doing hard things and really in the grand scheme of things- this is nothing. You will go through things far worse than this. It may cost money but you can handle it. It may be humbling but that's not a problem for you. You can handle that too. Don't make this thing make you bitter but rather better. Listen to what is said in groups and counseling and take what you can from it because there is always something you can learn from life. There is a reason you are where you are at right now and it is a good time for honesty, self reflection and growth. Don't let your ego get in the way, 

[nolongeranurse]

and if you really, really hate it- don't do it. There's more in life than Nursing. It's a big world out there and there's lots of other jobs. 

[Healer555]

nolongeranurse said:

and if you really, really hate it- don't do it. There's more in life than Nursing. It's a big world out there and there's lots of other jobs. 

The money I make is way too good to walk away. I am really bitter at this time unfortunately. The only thing I'm getting out of this is keeping my license. 

I know I don't have a SUD.  I didn't understand how this all worked and I got my own evaluation from 2 experts outside of the PHP both said no sud but the corrupt system said I needed a monitoring agreement. I do worry the powers that be read here which is why I don't share my story but I did nothing to suggest I have a SUD. I have a private therapist who really helps but the therapist they force me to see just drains my bank account and is awful.