How do I 'toughen up?'

[GoLauraGo]

Hi there!

I am fairly new to the nursing game; I graduated LPN school in July 2010 and am currently in an RN program. I have worked as an LPN since last summer on a Med-Surg floor that is a mixture of isolation, post ops and peds. (I know, right? Who made that plan?) I am a perfectionist, and I think it's a great thing to be in nursing. I'm meticulous with meds, charting and nursing skills. I obsess over whether the patients 'like' me or not as a nurse and go above and beyond to keep them happy. I've not had a patient who didn't like me or who gave me negative feedback.

Until now.

Last weekend I was put into our 6 bed specialty unit that consists of confused patients (high fall risks). There is to be a nurse (usually LPN) and CNA or tech in there at all times. Well, we were short staffed last week, census was down, and there were only 3 patients in there, so I was put in there alone. The night was really slow. The only patient that even showed signs of confusion had a family member staying with them. (this isn't usually allowed because space is so limited) From the time of bedside report, I noticed that the wife of this patient acted strange toward me. The patient did not, he was very pleasant actually. She wouldn't allow me to empty his urinal and acted offended when I assisted him to use it while she had stepped out. I 'assessed' him, administered medications, and helped him settle in. I just assumed she was different. Later that night I was changing another patient. I had the curtain pulled. The wife leaves the room and goes to the hall and pulls another nurse into the unit to look at her husband's IV. (She had said nothing to me about it!) Naturally the nurse came to me and I said I'd look at it. There was a small amount of dried blood under the op-site (from when the IV was started) so I removed the dressing and replaced it. I was really confused as to what had happened. I even told my husband about the situation when I got home. I just had a bad vibe from her.

Fast forward to this am. My manager asked me to stay after my shift change to talk. During call back surveys, the wife of this patient had reported me. She told my manager that I hadn't done anything all night. (When in fact I had been pretty busy considering I had 3 pts, providing incontinence care, vitals, turning on top of my normal duties) I immediately teared up. (embarrassing!) I'm very frustrated. I honestly can say that I did everything I normally do for my patients. Funny though, the patient seemed very pleased with me, but the wife gave the bad report. I'm sick over this. No disciplinary action is taking place, I'm not in any trouble, but this is killing me.

Part of me (maybe all of me) wants to brush this off and write her off as a crazy person, but the other part of me cant let it go....like to the point of wanting to quit. I love nursing and take pride in being GOOD. Careful, considerate and compassionate. Every positive comment I have ever received has just been smashed because of this one person.

I guess I'm asking if this will ever change for me. I don't want to NOT care, but I want to toughen up to this kind of criticism. I'm not really sure what I need to do. I want to balance being able to brush things off and taking them to heart so I can improve.

Help?

[JeneraterRN]

Ouch, I think we all had one of those. People dislike nurses (or other people, for that matter) for some of the most ridiculous reasons. It can be as simple as you look like or sound like someone else they dislike, or they are really frustrated and you are the nearest target. Think about what you don't know about the person behaving poorly-what is driving the behavior?

Usually identifying the cause helps you manage the behavior and it humanizes them a bit making them more tolerable. It by no means excuses their horribleness, but only you can make yourself miserable over this. Blowing it off is hard though. I guess you can look at it this way, she'll either get over it or die unhappy. You'd be surprised how many choose the latter. Good luck!

[lolaviex]

I know you're upset right now. I tend to dwell on things like this too but in reality in a week, month, year from now will this woman matter? No. So keep up the good work, you can't please everyone all the time.

[BeenThereDoneThat74, MSN, RN]

You are human. Therefore, you do care what people think of you, but it should only be to a certain extent. Anyone who says they don't care what people think of them are full of feces . You cannot please everyone. As others mentioned, this has to do with life, not just nursing. Think if relationships: are you still with the first person you ever liked? Highly unlikely. Therefore, somewhere along the line, someone else did "not like you".

In my 5 years of teaching, I have received many positive remarks on evaluations, with a number of neutral ones. This years, I received the worst ones i ever saw. Not 100% of them (not even 50%), but enough to make me feel some negative feelings. I know some of the comments were flat out exaggerations, some even lies. The proof was in the rest of them, who had very positive things to say about me. I know I cannot please everyone; especially when there will certainly be negative outcomes (for me, it's students who fail or don't do very well; for you, it's patients who are not miraculously healed of their illnesses).

You know you are doing an awesome Jon, and making a difference. That wife (as well as many other family members) base nurses performance on patient outcomes.

[nurseprnRN, BSN, RN]

"part of me (maybe all of me) wants to brush this off and write her off as a crazy person, but the other part of me cant let it go....like to the point of wanting to quit. i love nursing and take pride in being good. careful, considerate and compassionate. every positive comment i have ever received has just been smashed because of this one person.

i guess i'm asking if this will ever change for me. i don't want to not care, but i want to toughen up to this kind of criticism. i'm not really sure what i need to do. i want to balance being able to brush things off and taking them to heart so i can improve."

it's not a matter of toughening up. it's a matter of experience in this profession.

i used to tell my students that one of the most important things to remember is that if people were at their best they wouldn't be in the hospital in the first place. this goes for family members too. you have no idea what this woman brings to the situation, in terms of expectations, fears, misapprehensions, guilt, anger, general nuttiness, borderline personality, outright psychopathy, or anything else.

you didn't do anything wrong at all.:redpinkhe just because you will see this from time to time in your career doesn't mean anything more than, oh, you will see pain, incontinence, or nausea and vomiting. it's part of the human condition. when you find your thoughts straying back to this little episode, immediately redirect them to something pleasant or funny (you choose: your cat doing something totally ridiculous with dirty underwear? the exhilaration of getting to the top of the ferris wheel? the deep relaxation after a hot shower? the time your roommate dyed her hair purple by accident? you pick!) do this as often as needed until the minute you think of this woman, you smile and carry on without another thought to her.

as an aside, if anything, your nurse manager ought never to have left you alone in that situation; what if there had been an emergency? how would you have gotten help if, say, you were holding someone's airway open and couldn't leave them alone?

[canesdukegirl, BSN, RN]

Ouch, I think we all had one of those. People dislike nurses (or other people, for that matter) for some of the most ridiculous reasons. It can be as simple as you look like or sound like someone else they dislike, or they are really frustrated and you are the nearest target. Think about what you don't know about the person behaving poorly-what is driving the behavior?

Usually identifying the cause helps you manage the behavior and it humanizes them a bit making them more tolerable. It by no means excuses their horribleness, but only you can make yourself miserable over this. Blowing it off is hard though. I guess you can look at it this way, she'll either get over it or die unhappy. You'd be surprised how many choose the latter. Good luck!

Just what I was going to say, Jen!

The first thing that I thought of when I read your post was, "Wow, the OP must look like someone or reminds her of someone that the wife doesn't really like." It obviously had nothing to do with your skill as a nurse. Something else was going on in that whack mind of hers.

OP, it is SO HARD to let criticism go. Since you are a perfectionist, you dwell on this ONE (in my opinion, displaced) complaint. Furthermore, since you state that you obsess about doing everything right, when something goes wrong, you tend to "catastrophize" the issue, and mentally throw the baby out with the bathwater. I beg you to reconsider. You have worked hard for what you have, and have put in waaaaayyy too many hours to let this one comment send you out the door running.

Let me give you some tough love: So after all of your schooling (let's think back on that now...you decided to go into nursing, you went though the laborious application process, got accepted, sat through umpteen million hours of lecture, endured painful clinicals, studied for and passed many exams, finally graduated, applied for and sat for your license-and passed). All of this being done with sacrifice, expense and long nights of studying. Then you went on to apply for jobs. We all know how painstaking that process is. Then you got a job offer, was chosen for the job that you have now (beating out many applicants), went through hospital orientation, precepted with another nurse, finally got out on your own and from all accounts, have done a wonderful job. One day out of the blue a crazy lady makes a bad comment. Are you seriously going to let this one lunatic take away ALL of your accomplishments?!?!? OF COURSE NOT!!!

Stop dwelling on the rantings of someone that you interacted with for a shift. Had this been a co-worker, doctor, or manager that you knew and respected, THEN you would have to step back and re-evaluate. But honey-in the big scheme of things, this jackwagon has FAR many problems than you will ever endure. THIS IS HER PROBLEM, not yours. Yeah, it sucks that you were the target of her trifling...but think about how her poor husband must feel living with this Medusa. If you own this and take it to heart, you are only letting her rent space in your head. Is she deserving of free rent in your head? CAN I HEAR A "HELL NO"!?!?!

Now think back on all of the compliments you have gotten in your career. Think about the times that you have turned a bad situation into a successful one. Remember the patient that you went the extra mile for, and how good that made you feel. Feel again how ecstatic you were when you stood up and got your diploma. Remember when you jumped for joy when you got your license? Now I want you to go listen to your favorite music at full volume, and I expect you to be singing along!

Shuck this negativity. Get rid of it. It does not help you in the least, and does not lead to anything but doubt. YOU WERE NOT AT FAULT.

Hugs to you. This will pass. BE CONFIDENT in yourself and your abilities, because everyone else seems to.

[miss_meg]

This kind of thing happens ALL THE TIME! Whether you're a nurse or in any other job where you're working with people. If you see her on your next shift apologize to her and tell her to make sure to let you know right away if there is anything you can help her with or any questions you can answer for her. I've found that the direct "kill it with kindness" approach usually disarms these people really quick. Also, if she has some legitimate concerns about her husband's care it gives you the chance to address them before she goes to you supervisor.

BUT.....DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY!

There are always going to be some people who, for whatever reason, are always going to complain. Don't take it personally! I worked in retail for 10 years before going to nursing school and believe me it's all the same. People complain because a lot of times it gets them something. Some people ALWAYS complain and will admit that they do it just to see what they can get! Maybe she wanted attention, maybe she wanted her husband moved to a different room, maybe she wanted a one-on-one aide with him all night (not always possible as I'm sure you know). Who knows what she wanted but she thought if she complained she might be offered something that wasn't offered before. It happens all the time and people do it because it usually works. All you can do is continue to do your job and be as professional and courteous as possible. Keep good notes and make sure you are always documenting the care you are giving. Your supervisor should be able to look at the documentation and see that you weren't "doing nothing all night".

[Little Miss Coffee]

You're getting a lot of really good advice in this thread...would like to throw this in:

I think you need to do your best at basing your satisfaction on what you KNOW you are doing well, not the praise you receive from others. Know that you serve an extremely important purpose in society.

Praise is rewarding and wonderful and will make your day, but goodness knows in life some of the greatest things are done without anybody ever noticing, recognizing, or even seeing them.

And nurses are very likely to encounter people who will under-appreciate even their most obvious, well-intentioned and well-done efforts. In fact, those efforts may be met regularly with outright scorn. That is a sad fact that practically everyone I've ever met will attest to.

So the best way around this is having faith in the quality of your own work.

Good luck. Please don't quit...not yet!

[crb613, BSN, RN]

You said you did everything you normally do, and from your description you give great care. Could you have done anything more? and if you did would it have really mattered??? If by doing more for this pt how much time would it have taken from your others? I think there would have been complaints no matter what you did or didn't do. There has to be a balance, and as others have said you can't & won't please all the people all the time. I may be wrong, but I think your feelings, and pride are a little hurt. You can't take this stuff personally when

you have done your best....because if you've done your best what else can you do?

Good luck,stay caring,compassionate, and continue to give the best care you can.....and be staisfied with that!