How would you have handled it -- (spinoff from the "customer service" thread)

[~Mi Vida Loca~RN]

This thread has reminded me of something that happened with one of my labors and something I always wondered, I don't want to make a new thread so I will just ask it here. I had a terrible L&D Exp. with my third son, not with the hospital but with family. To sum it up, my step mom is the only mom I consider to have, she is my best friend, we are super close, my husbands mother who is a wretched evil woman and my BIO mom who could be her twin sister, are very jealous over the relationship I have with my step mom. With all my children their are 2 people I wanted in the room when I actually had my children was my step mom and my husband. My step mom was the only person there wit my eldest, I wasn't with my husband yet and I was 16 and left an abusive B/F when I was still pregnant to go back and live at home. So anyway, with Son#2 I allowed MIL to be in the room as long as she wasn't DOWN there. I am a very modest person, even when pushing a kid out, which apparently is unheard of.

Well it wasn't until after I had him that MIL truly showed what a vile wench she was so obviously I did not want her in the room when it came time to have my third son. She could come in after and see him, I just didn't want her in DURING the pushing and stuff and when I was exposed. Same with my BIO mom who all of a sudden wanted to be involved after many years.

So my labor was not going very well because they were being total witches and being mean and rude to me and my step mom AT the hospital. I couldn't focus on labor because I was so upset and stressed over them. I handle pain well and do my breathing and stuff but I was making no progress and they had to stop the pitocin because it caused D Cells everytime they did it. My Dr. was sure it was because of all the stress and insisted I get an epidural, after I got one my labor progressed pretty fast. THANKFULLY when the guy came in to do my Epidural he made everyone leave but one person. I had my step mom stay and there were some of my L&D nurses in the room. My husband was mad at me that I didn't want his mom in the room and yea we almost got a divorce that day. So when they did the Epi, and everyone stepped outside I bursted out crying and told my mom and the nurses I didn't want anyone in the room when it came time to push but my step mom and husband. I was only allowing him in there because it's not like his childs birth is something he can get back.

I made this very clear, I mean I was sobbing uncontrollably because it finally all caught up to me and I know this wonderful expierance was being forever ruined by all this nonsense and drama. I had a 2 year old son at the time and NONE of the family was willing to watch him because they all felt they had a RIGHT to be in the room with me. My step mom would have but she is the one person I NEEDED with me. It was seriously a nightmare. So the the anastesiologist told me to calm down and consoled me and said I was the patient and if I didn't want anyone in the room to speak up and the nurses will handle it. They were standing right there. So I said, I only want my step mom and husband in the room when it's time to start pushing. They said ok.

So within 45 mins of getting the epi I dialated 5 cm and it was time, we were waiting for my Doc to get there and I looked at the nurses with a worried look waiting for them to ask everyone to leave because they wouldn't listen to me. My mom yelled at them to get out but they jumped up with "this baby is my blood and I have a right to be here more than you do" we couldn't wait any longer, the baby was coming so my mom yelled that all of them better get over in the corner and she held the sheet down to my knees so no one could see anything and I sat there crying in between pushes. So when I had my son, not only was my mom and step mom in the room, my MIL, My BIo mom and her B/F that I had met maybe Twice and my SIL and BIL were all in the room as well. Thankfully my step mom did a good job at keeping them from seeing anything but I am crying right now thinking about it all over again because it makes me so mad. After when everyone left to go fight in the hallway the nurses looked at me and said they were sorry but they have no right to ask anyone to leave. That they aren't allowed to.

The anastesologist in front of them clearly said that what I wanted in regards to visitors had to be followed.

So which is true??? Can RN's make visitors leave if it's what the PATIENT wants?

[RochesterRN-BSN, BSN, RN]

No I never had an issue with this.......becoming the bad nurse. My co-workers would laugh and be like...."good for you! You have balls girl!! I wish I could say those things!!!"......the patients would thank me again and again and tell me that they just didn't know what to say or how to get what he/she needs. Maybe the visitors I kicked out were not crazy about me but hey I am not here for them!!! And honestly even when I might have had someone be rude when I asked them to leave they usually came back and appologized for their behavior and told me they appreciated my putting their loved ones needs first. And really its being assertive and firm but still nice, and validating thier feelings....weather it be anxiety, anger, frustration, fear, whatever........ communication is a key skill for all nurses. Dealing with difficult families is part of the job--sometimes yes they are just jerks but more often then not emotions run high when feelings are hurt, people are scared, etc. Communication is one of the the biggest parts of my job as a psych nurse so I think I am able to get done what needs to and not be looked at as the bad nurse. My priority is the patient, always. That is never wrong.

[~Mi Vida Loca~RN, ASN, RN]

I did make it very clear to them I did not want them in the room, they felt they had as much rights as me though. I was an emotional wreck trying to focus on heavy contractions, I wasn't in the mind frame to call security or stand up for myself. I mean these woman were not a part of my life. I hadn't spoke to my husbands mother in over a year except one fight we had when I told her she was having nothing to do with me or my children for very valid reasons that I won't get into here. My BIO mom I had not physically seen in 3 years and she was trying to make ammends and really wanted to come up for the birth and I stupidly enough gave her another chance. But I still made it clear she couldn't be in the room during delivery. When she got there (this was in 2001) she made best buds with my MIL and they did nothing but trash talk me and my step mom. I had a visitor come in at one point after I had my son and asked me who was with my husbands mother, I said my bio mom why? She was like, ohhh I just passed them them out in the hall and they were saying all sorts of nasty stuff about your step mom, she was like I expected it from your husbands mom but wondered who the other lady was.

My Dr. got there right when it was time to push, in fact I held off pushing for a couple minutes so he could get there and I don't think he knew what was going on.

I honestly don't think this is something I should have had to just handle myself though, sure you have to stand up to people, and generally had I been in a better state of mind and not in the middle of labor, I would have. But that wasn't the case. I would think the health even mental health, of the patient is the most important thing and when I made it clear numerous times and when I broke down with the anesthesiologist was there that it should have been handled. The nurses could have quietly went and called security. I mean security sat 100 ft away because this was a new hi tech hospital with very strict security for the babies. I mean right there had it turned bad the Nurses had a witness in the anesthesiologist and he told them to handle it as well.

I have to believe that if it were me and I was in this exact situation I would have done something to help the mother.

[Straydandelion]

Not knowing the facillity policy I would say on the surface, it sounds like everyone was missing some assertiveness. You for not just telling your MIL and mother to leave and you will gladly call them back after the baby is born, your husband for not supporting you (and I am assuming he told his mother you were on the way to the hospital knowing you didn't want her in the room?), the doctor could also have written an order to only allow so and so in the room, plus the nurses who IMO should have at first asked ALL to leave seeing your stress, then only allowed those two back in the room.

[~Mi Vida Loca~RN, ASN, RN]

Not knowing the facillity policy I would say on the surface, it sounds like everyone was missing some assertiveness. You for not just telling your MIL and mother to leave and you will gladly call them back after the baby is born, your husband for not supporting you (and I am assuming he told his mother you were on the way to the hospital knowing you didn't want her in the room?), the doctor could also have written an order to only allow so and so in the room, plus the nurses who IMO should have at first asked ALL to leave seeing your stress, then only allowed those two back in the room.

I did tell them to leave, they flat out refused and I didn't know what to do. They felt like they had more right to be in the room then my step mom because they were blood related. I told them after the baby was born and I was "cleaned up" they could come in and visit the baby. Believe me, my husband was TOTALLY out of line that day. Like I said, it almost ended our marriage because I was so appalled over the way he acted. His mother was called because she told him just a week prior (before my step mom got there) that when I went into labor to call and she would watch my other 2 boys. She was really eager for me to have my son a few weeks early. I think because I had a scheduled induction and my step mom was going to be there for it. I was dilated for a month and she would make comments for me to go walk and stuff and I said no, I didn't want my mom to miss it so I was going to take it easy, she went as far as to tell my husband to have lots of sex with me to get me to have the baby. I mean there is a lot of back story I could go into but the bottom line is, she wanted me to have the baby before my mom got there. So anyway she said to call and she would watch the other boys, once all went as planned and he called but my step mom was already there, she showed up at the hospital and said she wanted to stay and was no longer going to watch the other boys. Got into the whole, she had a right to be there.

I breath really well in labor and can focus and handle the pain well, but this time I was so stressed out and upset by all this stuff happening at the last minute that I was hyperventilating, they had to put me on Oxygen because it was like everything came at me at once and I couldn't focus and I couldn't breath and couldn't stop crying. I really don't see how I could have or even SHOULD HAVE done more. My Dr. got there seriously RIGHT when it was time to push. He had checked on me that morning but it was before all this started happening. The whole thing ****** me off all over again.

I just wasn't sure if nurses have the authority to ask someone to leave or not especially if the patient is begging for it.

[~Mi Vida Loca~RN, ASN, RN]

I have dealth with this as a L&D nurse in the past and deal with it a lot now as a psych nurse.......First of all.....so sad to hear that you were not protected. The nurses job is to be your advocate especially when you are in no condition to be dealing with that. Sorry but the posters here who think this was your problem to deal with....sorry I gotta disagree. A woman in labor should not be expected to carry on with this out of control behavior.......this is not good for her or the baby. As soon as I get a request from a patient to have anyone leave--regardless of their relationship to the patient--or the baby-- I head that. If I feel the patients well being is being comprimised I will ask the guest to leave. This is my job. This patient (and her baby) are my responsibility. Period. Not any one else-- Sorry.

Hell I can remember walking in to a new patients room at the start of a shift to find her there in horrible pain....tons of family and friends in the room, freakin Jerry Springer blaring from the TV, Pizza and wings, a party!! No one paying a bit of attention to the patient. Dad partying or sleeping in the corner!!! Unbelievable. Shoot. I would walk in Turn off the TV and say "Okay folks party is over here, we have a baby to get delivered and I need to be able to take care of my patient here. Two of you may stay but the rest of you need to go. This would be a good time to get some air, take a walk, find the cafeteria....I will keep you all posted on her progress, however I can't have a party in here right now......So where is your birthing parner, spouse.....oh sorry there sir but your wife here is about to deliver your baby, and she is in a lot a pain here so lets have you come on up here and be a part of this......"

That was a regular occurance.......if they gave me a hard time I simpy told them that I would be more then happy to call security to escort them out but I would hope I would not have to do this...they usually complyed....

In YOUR situation--hell I would have gotten security and taken all of them out in the hall and they would have heard it from me and it wouldn't have been pretty. I have no problem speaking up to family members who are making my patient upset and making things uncomfortable for him/her. None. That is my job. I can't imagine if the management know the details of what was going on in the room they would not have backed any complaints down the road. The fact that the doc was also backing this removal of the visitors is also on the nurses side. This ABSOLUTLEY should never have happened. These nurses did not do their job as far as I'm concerned. Posters here mention you needing to set more limits and stand up for yourself and that may be true but when in the middle of a labor and delivery!?!?! No this is not the time. Before? yes....After? yes....during? NOOOOOO.

I deal with patients visitors being a problem all the time in psych and have grown a very sturdy backbone and tough skin to deal with them over the years....I see this a part of my job. Period. I am here for my patients. period.

I would start this with a call to the manager to tell her breifly of what happened--that you had family that you specifically requested NOT be allowed in your room, that you were visibly upset and distraut and feel the staff did not provide the support you needed, risking you and your babies health and well being. Tell her you want to know if these nurses saying they are not allowed to interveen is acurate and what policies are in place. She will either take names and take care of this or say--oh yes this is a policy, sorry...this is when you go to the Director (an MD) of the department and if this doesn't help the Nursing director for the hospital, then the CEO. But like another poster said, they dropped the ball......don't you do the same. Put a stop to this.

Good luck to you and I hope you are enjoying your precious new baby!!!!! And that your 2 year old is too!!!

THANK YOU!!! When not in labor, I have no problem asserting myself and standing up for myself. But this circumstance was also one of the reasons I wanted to go into Nursing. I would hope I would handle the situation exactly how your described. It made me feel like, if not the nurse, who does the Patient have on their side?? Those nurses were with me more then anyone else, their entire shift, those same nurses, I felt like they should have had my back. I just kept thinking, if I was a RN and I was faced with this same situation, I would put my foot down and put a stop to it. If anything, I have a much better and easier time standing up for OTHERS then I do for myself. Some times I do let people walk all over me and I have a problem saying NO, when it comes to ME, Although I did try in this situation. But when it comes to friends and others I have no problem putting my foot down and keeping it down. I have attended the birth of many friends babies and they told me what a huge help I was, more so then their spouses and so on, It's why I want to be a L&D nurse, I know I have a knack for it.

Anyway Thank You, I was hoping I wasn't alone in thinking the whole thing should have never went down the way it did. I can never get those memories back and that hurts. When I think of my sons birth I will always have these negative feelings around it all. Shoot some of the whole ordeal is on video and you can just hear me crying and then my step mom snatching the camera and telling them to shut it off.