How to balance things thru nursing school -for those who have partners, spouses, etc.

bethann27 · Sep 14, 2009

First of all let me give you a big {{{{{HUG}}}}} :redbeathe . . . . I've just finished with nursing school and am preparing to test for NCLEX. My best advice to help you get through it (please note that I have three children under age 10, worked 20+ hours some weeks and my father passed away during my second semester) . . . . here goes - you just have to let it all go and only do the basics. At one point I was just happy if we all had clean underwear

Best of luck to you!

sissyboo · Sep 14, 2009

I feel you! I am sorry things are this way for you right now but you can make it!

Here's some things I did while in school to get things done...

Made notes of routine things to be done. I would even leave them posted next to places so there was a little reminder to take that extra step (such as washing a dish after you use it so they don't pile up)

Made a checklist of things that need to be done less frequently (bills to be paid, grocery trips, odd & end jobs that need attention. People can reference this when they have a few minutes and can maybe tackle one or two of the smaller tasks at a time while doing bigger ones...then if you find yourself with extra time you can also look at it and catch up on something you wanted to do but didn't have time to earlier.

Give LOTS of pleases & thank you's! They go a long ways. Also doing something extra in exchange later on! (I would usually do something silly...leave a thank you note or buy a little periodic thank-you gift, nothing big, just something to acknowledge all the help they are giving me)

Take some time for YOU, even if it means letting something else go for a while...I know its corny but it will still be waiting when you get back & it is not detrimental...but allow your mind to rest!

Don't expect perfection (my biggest problem!) I had an idea that if someone else was going to do it they should do it right or just don't do it at all. Then I realized what I was considering "right" was really just "my way." There are many ways to do almost anything...and it's not the end of the world when its done differently...it just takes some getting used to!

I hope this post helps! Best wishes for the rest of nursing school!

Bobbkat · Sep 14, 2009

You have my empathy, though I wish I could also give some good advice advice (unfortuanatly, I'm not so good with advice). I began nursing school pregnant, took a term off to have my daughter, then my husband had to move to another state for work during my second term. I'm now in my fourth (and final, yay!) term, with a 19 month old and a husband 800 miles away, so he is obviously NO help to me with the day to day things. All I can tell you is that while I hope that your fiance puts on his big boy pants and figures out how to do some things for himself (sorry if that sounded harsh....but spoiled, dependant adults get on my nerves), if he doesn't you may be shocked at how much you can handle on your own once you are determined to do it.

You did say that M is trying, which is a good start. If you like the calendar idea, why not present it to him? If it works for both of you, then it sounds like a great idea. I think that if my husband was here, it's probably the type of thing we would have to do. I'm just used to carrying around all of the information about what needs to be done, and when, in my head. His head just doesn't work that way though, he needs to have something telling him what he needs to do. Hopefully your fiance will come to appreciate all that you do for him as a result of this. When my husband does manage to get home, and spends a day taking care of our daughter and just the day to day domestic stuff of the house, he always goes on and on about how he doesn't think he could handle it if we had to switch roles.

fatimah22 · Sep 14, 2009

I am in my 2nd semester... I like the calender idea, I have actually asked my fiance to get one bcuz I think it would help us a great deal.. as far as cleaning to perfection, buy things that your husband can use, such as lysol wipes for tables, swiffer sweeper for mopping, my 5 year old can use these things.... i think rewarding him at the end of the day will be motivating for him to want to do it more often and help out. sometimes i find it VERY easy to explain to my fiance what i want done, and how it affects me(depression) little did i know he's very understanding. he even goes as far as to ask me to show him exactly how i want him done, and how i get it done like that... hope that this works out for you hun... all in all, keep ur head up!

Soyrizo · Sep 14, 2009

One of the most important things I've learned in marriage is to appreciate my spouse for what he does and not how he does it. To put it plainly, it would be better to let go of the control and wanting things to be done a certain way at a certain time, and settle for it being simply done at some point. He is not a child to be rewarded and to be put on a schedule, he is a grown man and deserves respect that you would want for yourself.

PostOpPrincess, BSN, RN · Sep 14, 2009

Could be just me answering this way--I think it has a lot to do with being older and not having time for BS.

Shape up, ship out. You have a goal? Is that more important? Let it be so.

Tell him you need help, expect it....don't expect perfection.

But you spoiled him, now you have to unspoil. Good luck.

It can be done.

My hubby is a good example.

NurseNotRatched, ADN, BSN, CNA · Sep 14, 2009

i totally understand what you're going thru!!!!! well....almost. i have a 3.5 and a 1 year old and right now i'm completing my prerequisites for nursing school and hope to start a program in spring of 2011. well, like you, i'm the one who pays the bills, makes sure my babies are eating balanced meals, gets them ready everyday, reads them a story at night, makes the grocery lists and shops, cleans, makes everyone's various appointments, etc. etc. etc. i'm soooo nervous about nursing school because the few things i ask my husband to do, he does it (not as good as me, of course), but impatiently and huffing and puffing. he's impatient w/ the kids and i'm honestly not looking foward to nursing school because of it. we've already had a talk about sacrifice and he's the one that's pushing for me to take on an accelerated bsn program but i have a feeling that it's gonna be more on him that what he bargained for. my plan is to have everything extremely organized and fool-proof. i'm gonna try my best to plan out meals for the entire month and bulk shop. keep a calendar on a dry erase board and have a daily and weekly do-to list. and it's the little things he can do to really help out. like, keep gas in the car or do one load of laundry everyday. i'm sorry i'm not much help because i'm not totally there yet, but i definitely know where you're coming from. good luck!!!

twinmommy+2, ADN, BSN, MSN · Sep 14, 2009

Before nursing school I had lost my job due to being pregnant with the twins. So when I had them, and one who was 1 year older, we sat down and agreed that it would be better for the family if I were to go to college than for me to find another low paying job and paying for day care.

That said, I was so happy my husband could pull enough work together to keep us afloat. Did he do any of the stuff I did after I started school, nope. He worked. I did all the medical stuff for me and the kids, wic appointments, running to and from day care, meals, baths, bedtime, shopping plus school and study. I felt at the time I didn't have enough energy to fight trying to get him to pick up some of the slack, so I did it myself. I just found a groove with it all and managed to complete the basics. Forget the house being clean at all times, things picked up and all. I was happy to get the kids clean, dressed in clean clothes, fed nutritous meals from clean dishes lol.

I do wish at times I had been more assertive and asked more for help, but we made it through. Which is funny now, cause he is the one out of a job, and is home taking care of buisness while I'm working 12 hour shifts. So now the shoe is on the other foot and he is doing a pretty good job.

ERNurseToBe · Sep 14, 2009

I am reading a book that I think you should get. It is short, simple to read and almost bulleted (I have to read things like this with my schedule). It is called "Dont sweat the small stuff and its all small stuff" by Richard carlson.

Corny and stupid as the phrase sounds, there is a chapter in there about making peace with imperfection. He basically says that by focusing on how things are not getting perfectly done, we are taking away from our happiness and focus on where it should be (school of marriage).

M may not know how important a clean table is. I suggest you explain why things bother you so much. I know for me when I come home from a crazy day at school I want my house perfect so Ic an relax. Guess what? It will never happen, your inbox is never supposed to be empty sweetheart.

dconstantine · Sep 14, 2009

While I find nursing school interesting, I am just on my 3rd class and I already feel so overwhelmed. My fiance, M, is used to me doing almost all of the domestic & financial stuff. While M is willing to help out, M obviously got used to me doing most of this stuff. I am an anal person and just need/want control in my life.
Now that I am in nursing school & they are taking on more (the stuff I usually did) they are complaining here and there. M wants to help, but geesh, welcome to my life--I used to do this stuff for them on a daily! Now I'm not around to pick up and take care of everything with my 8 arms, from all ends.
How do you balance this? I feel like I am going to snap already. It could have to do with the fact that I just got quite sick as well and I am having some health issues that make me feel depressed at times. However, I just want to know how you balance all of this? I'm honestly thinking of printing out a calendar with tasks for BOTH of us on everyday at a certain time. I just want it scheduled. I know that seems militant, but I'm tired of the complaining and feeling like I am taking advantage of my partner. M just got spoiled & now M actually has to get up and do more!
Ugh--help. M is "trying", but I want it all done without griping. GEESH. I also don't want to be on anyone's butt about it. When I took care of the house, domestic, financial--I just DID it. Got up and ran with it. I don't have the energy or patience, at the moment to fight with someone to do their part. For that--I would just use the energy I had prior to fighting, and do everything myself.

I can't say enough how similar our lives are right now. I am only in pre-nursing, but I am taking a full load to get my RN and BSN pre-requisites out of the way now. I am married with a 5 year old and a 1 year old and decided to go back to school for nursing after being laid off last year. I have always been the organizer of absolutely everything in the household and I was admittedly anal about it. I don't have time to maintain that level of organization now so things are definitely falling through the cracks as my dear husband struggles to learn how to help run the house. It has been an uphill struggle and I understand it is in some of our genes to just do what needs to be done, whatever it takes. I am seeing now that my husband was born without that particular gene and only does what has to be done so the kids actually live to see another day but that is about it. I am grateful for any help, but at the same time I would love for my husband to consider washing the dishes once in a while, etc. I, like you, am getting tired of hearing the sound of my own voice when I ask for help but if I stop, what will happen?

What I do know is this: we are in a temporary situation that will eventually end and will definitely be worth when it is all over. We just have to keep that in mind! I am still trying to keep things organized by making calendars of my school deadlines, and of the household deadlines (bills). I set up automatic payments for most bills so our electricity isn't turned off because he forgot to pay .

I take an hour out each day for myself so I can run on the treadmill to expel frustration and gain clarity and it really helps. I have heard of so many people neglecting themselves in nursing school and I am determined not to do it but we will see. I hope that you find a way to deal with the stress. For the most part, I am trying to take time to remember that so many others have done it so I can as well. I know I haven't written anything that you don't already know, but it is really nice to have support from others in similar situations, even if it is to say that we are going crazy together and for the same reasons.

caffeineRx · Sep 14, 2009

thank you all for each and every single one of your replies! i wish i had the time/energy to reply to everyone right now, because each of you were truly helpful.

i had to chuckle to myself, because if you notice, i never revealed m's gender..but you all automatically assumed it was a "he"...and well--you were right! lol. omg.

i was also laughing through my teeth when i saw that everyone who replied was a female who understood everything i was going through. what a relief! i was just going on and on about how women are expected to do way more than men these days...and thought i was being a nazi-feminist. guess not!

m is a good guy...but my patience is thin and i become easily annoyed and resentful to think--you're actually complaining?! i guess i became really moody today because he has been quiet about things and just done them....it's like i'm the abusive wife or something! lol. like he thinks i might have an outburst and hit him if he doesn't appease me in some way. i almost want to keep acting this way to have that "power"...but i won't lol. i just truly had a bad day and i am sick...so aunt flo and a million other things decided to visit today...baring their worst side ever.

i grabbed from a few of you. imperfection. oh my gosh--the thought makes me want to pull my hair out. i must be completely psychotic--but a filthy house alone is enough to put me in a ***** mood. and i feel like *i* am the only one that does things the right way..the first time around. so *phew*...exhale..omg i am scared-but i am going to have to just be happy he does it, rather than worry about the way he does it. unbelievably..this will be hard for me. i hate to sound rotten..but it will be.

secondly...the basics/necessities. i am going to have to train myself hard to just do the bare necessities. you all sound like you finally figured out that if you did all this stuff, you would literally breakdown..and therefore..you just did what you had to survive and keep running. (ie. paid bills, kept water/electricity on, washed underwear on special days lol). this concept is so scary to me. does that sound crazy?

i feel like i am losing complete control of my life and gosh i was so nasty today i thought.."no wonder people say nurses are miserable". i'm not even a nurse and i am shocked at how insanely stressed that i am...i must be bringing some of it, unknowingly, onto myself.

someone else mentioned that i shouldn't treat m like a kid or put him on a schedule...i guess that's right. i just feel like the calendar would help both of us. i mean, i would be right on there too with tasks....that way there is no arguing and everything is clear. that's the only reason i thought of it. i just feel like repeating myself is so exhausting and i don't want to be hitler.

i was thinking we could both sit down today and figure out a schedule and split tasks/chores accordingly. i just feel like i need more help than anything. i am usually the one taking on the bulk of things..because that's how i am..now i feel like i need m to take on the bulk of things...because i feel like my studying time, alone, is a full-time job...ok not full-time..but it's heavy.