Happy New Year's my fellow wayward Nurses and denizens of Nazi-Monitorisville:
I write this this morning thinking of my aspirations for the new year and with the hope that some of you would care to share yours. I've only been on this forum for a short time and you have all in your own way offered me support for which I'm eternally grateful. Anyway, here are my hopes for the new year:
1) Resolution: I hoping for some finality in some areas of my life. First, I was involved in a relationship that I broke off but (as these things go) it has lingered and I'm at least 1/2 to blame for that. I told my ex that we had to decide if we were going to get back together by new years or lose each other's phone numbers. Second, School. I'm finally (after some wrangling) going to be allowed to attend my final semester of my DNP studies. I hope this new year brings a successful graduation and passing of my boards. Finally, PNAP. In the next couple weeks I can step down to every other week nurse support meetings then they step down to once a month after a few months and go away. I'm hoping to do what is necessary to make PNAP's involvement in my life be reduced to pissing in a cup a couple times a month which I think is an apt metaphor. Of course I have to stay sober and send in a monthly form but I'd rather drink battery acid than fail a pee test so without a false positive (always a concern) I don't think that's a problem.
2) Re-building: Digging out of the wreckage. First at work. Before my DUI I was an ER nurse heading into the home stretch with my DNP studies. I made a very good living, had no debt to speak and generally was a happy guy. Now I'm in a job I'm Ill suited for and that (according to my last paycheck) cost me about $40K per year in annual income. Between Sick & Annual Leave I had about 1000 hours saved which was a damn good thing because its all gone now. Now my finances are wrecked beyond any recognition. I'm behind on all my bills and have no current idea how to get out of this mess. I've considered bankruptcy but bullheadedness prevents that probably smart move. So should I graduate I'll be promoted to an NP position at work this spring which means a raise which will put me back at the earning capacity I enjoyed before. I don't think I can dig out of this financial cesspool I'm in this year but maybe I can start. I would also like to leave some of this emotional wreckage behind. I won't lose my white-hot hatred of this program. In fact it is what insures my continued compliance. However, I can at least try to stop turning those feelings inward and recognize that many, many people make the mistake of driving after drinking and this doesn't have to be a life-ending sentence.
3) Coming out of the bunker. I'm a social guy. I enjoy people's company and going out. Generally, I have gotten along with my co-workers on all levels. This all changed the minute I was branded in this program. For the most part I go to work and come home. I don't trust other nurses anymore as I've seen first-hand how they can turn on and judge their own. I need to get over this. Life is a precious gift that shouldn't be wasted binge watching Netflix. I'm sure this withdrawal from life could be diagnosed as depression but after this experience I'd never, ever seek counseling for anything. Teddy Roosevelt suffered from debilitating depression and he said the cure for it was action & activity. I think I'll give that a try. In a way I do wish I could stand AA as I think the primary reason it actually exists is to provide a social network for people with addiction issues but I honestly loathe every minute I'm there. So I'm going to force myself to spend more time at the gym, make new friends and perhaps even start dating again.
These are some of my hopes for the new year. I hope I didn't bore you with my incessant ramblings. I'd love to hear some of yours.
