Help with essay for application to the nursing program! Honest opinons please :)

CyclicalEvents · Aug 11, 2009

what would you as an individual bring to our campus community?

compassion, fortitude and intellect are just a few of the qualities that i will bring to the nursing program

you should elaborate a lot more on these points. so far you have mostly a tangent that doesn't really touch on the topic that they want.

what would you as an individual bring to the nursing profession?

same as previous. most of what you wrote talks about what you have "learned", but very little of it answers the question.

NICU Kristen · Aug 11, 2009

Thanks. I do need to focus on the question more. Personal essays are so difficult to write! Ughh I'll keep workin'! Thanks again.

rn/writer, RN · Aug 11, 2009

Your enthusiasm and writing abilities shine in this essay. You've had good exposure to a professional setting and abundant opportunities to see important concepts--ethics, confidentiality, compassion, and other crucial values--in action. Your attitude seems to be humble and positive.

What's missing from this essay is you.

My take on what you have written is that it's based on what you think the powers that be want to hear rather than what you actually have to say. It seems more polite and proper than real.

I think of the movie, "Spanglish." If you haven't seen it, I'd suggest watching. The story (which is actually the college entrance essay for one of the main characters), starts with voice-overs of typical essay material--poised but artificial, calculated to impress but starved for genuine meaning. Then we hear Cristina speaking of the hard life experiences and the dedicated mother who taught her what truly matters. The difference is amazing.

Be sure you answer the question--what will you bring to the campus? What do you have to give and share and offer to your future classmates and instructors? Are you an optimist? Do you like to sing? Can you make a mean quesadilla? These might not seem like they're related to nursing, but they show you as a person. Are you good with kids? Do you speak another language? Do you have a good sense of humor? Again, not obvious answers to the question, but things that could make you stand out in a crowd of people who are otherwise similarly qualified.

Speak in word pictures, not idealistic concepts. "I once stayed up all night to help a friend make fifteen dozen cookies she promised for a bake sale," instead of, "I try to exemplify loyalty."

I realize you have limited space, but that's all the more reason to make your words count. Go for connection. Skip the philosophical and choose the practical. If you can make them laugh, so much the better. Even share some of your flaws--along with what you've learned from them. Just be authentically yourself. That alone will make you stand out.

Try again and tell us who you really are. :redbeathe I look forward to seeing Take Two.

NICU Kristen · Aug 11, 2009

I appreciate you taking the time to say all of that! I really feel as though my passion and compassion for people is what will make me an excellent nurse. I feel like that is my strongest and best quality, so I'm going to try to find a good real life example that demonstrates that. Luckily my acceptance into the program is based on GPA, NET scores and letters of recomendation and not just the essay! I will keep working at it. Thank you for your much appreciated input.

nrice28 · Aug 11, 2009

Thats actually exactly what I wanted to say, but didn't know how too. lol..I wrote an essay in 2004 for a school that I have ALWAYS wanted to go to. Needless to say it was very well written but really "technical". I think you should listen to rn/writer, she obviously knows how to get into school since she is already a nurse. lol...But I think your essay was EXACTLY what high school taught us to write, or even college. Its crazy they teach us that and then when we need it, its useless. hmmm. but thats awesome that your mom in a nurse pract. maybe you could tell a "story" per-say, about something that happened with you and your mom at her job. Like you witnessed her save a helpless child. I dunno, just an idea...But the reason I say to write a short story is b/c I too, am trying to figure out how to write my essay for a couple schools, (still trying to get in!) and I just can't think of the "perfect" story to tell.

You definitely want to keep them reading, b/c imagine reading like 600 essays, it would be hard to pick out the best. it would be easy to "forget" some, unless they stood out. Oh well, theres my :twocents: . hope it helps! keep us posted!

nrice28 · Aug 11, 2009

Oh I just read your response. And how did you do on the NET? I have to take the TEAS (in my opinion its WAY harder than the NET) :cry: Hopefully this time I can make a decent grade, I have already taken it once and only made a 72. :banghead: I am SO ready to graduate! I just really want to get into a nursing program!!!!!!!! AHH! I live in GA. and every test is now the TEAS. Have you taken it? Oh and I wanted to mention that with your mom being a nurse Im sure that will be taken into consideration.

Daytonite, BSN, RN · Aug 11, 2009

you should go to the website of the university of michigan and read their mission statement. see what kinds of goals they have set for their students. isn't that at least one or two of the reasons why you want to attend this college? they want to know. why do you want to attend their bsn program? they are asking you.

i suggest looking at this website which tells what you will bring to nursing: http://www.nursingschools.com/guidance/nursing-top-10.html - top 10 qualities of a great nurse

please don't misunderstand me. i will be blunt, but i do this because i am trying to help you. "working alongside. . .blah, blah, blah. . .becoming a nurse is my destiny." it says nothing about what you are going to bring to nursing. it is all about what you have learned. that is not what they asked you to discuss. they want to know what you are going to do with that information. read the college mission statement. i have a feeling it says something like sending their graduates out into the community to do some good. how much you want a bet? the students they choose are going to be people who are going to agree with their mission statement.

the university that i went to had really strong ties with their local community. they were always sending their students out into the community to work on projects. when these schools get public monies this is part of how they give back to the community. welcome to the real world, kiddo. now, the other reality is how intelligent you are, can read these things, put two and two together and give them what they want in order to get what you want.

NICU Kristen · Aug 11, 2009

I took the NET last month and I got in the 96th percentile :) I studied for about 2 weeks straight but I was so relieved when I saw it paid off! They really like to make us jump through hoops to get in! Now to tackle this essay...

NICU Kristen · Aug 11, 2009

I appreciate your being blunt! That is exactly what I need to hear. My mom always proofreads my papers for me but I think that she would love just about anything I write (especially if it's about her) Thanks for your input. I will keep working on it until it's perfect!

NICU Kristen · Aug 11, 2009

okay guys... this is the revised version. i feel like it is much more personal and answers the question they are asking a lot better. i feel a lot better about this and i tried to incorporate a little bit of everyones advice. let me know what you think. thanks, kristen :) :nurse:

the pride i hold in saying, "i'm going to be a nurse," is beyond measure. compassion, fortitude and intellect are just a few of my finest qualities and i am confident that these traits will be a positive addition to the nursing program at the university of michigan-flint, and to the nursing profession as a whole. while empathy and determination are wonderful qualities it is notable that i am also an optimist, with an excellent sense of humor, who works well with others. i enjoy a challenge and i know that nursing is a career that will constantly challenge me and allow me to learn and grow every day.

although i have always had these qualities, i was not always certain what to do with them, but i have always known that i admire and hold great respect for my mother, who is a family nurse practitioner. two years ago i was given a wonderful opportunity to work in her office as a front office assistant. my experience there has truly helped to cement the notion of me becoming a nurse, and has taught me the significance of cultural competence, empathy and communication. best of all, through working beside my mom i have learned a lot about myself and the person i want to become. i have discovered that nursing is my true calling, and a career well suited for me. my confidence in myself and my future is another important attribute in a future nurse.

through my prerequisite courses i have gained a newfound eagerness for knowledge, which coupled with my qualities such as compassion, optimism and dedication, give me many of the desirable characteristics to make an admirable nurse one day. already i have accomplished so much and i am thrilled at the prospect of being accepted into the nursing program at the university of michigan-flint and being a part of one of the most respected professions in the world.

Daytonite, BSN, RN · Aug 12, 2009

i don't see any mention about what your opinions and cultural background are and how it will add to the cultural community of their college. do you have any opinions about nursing? they were very explicit about those directions to the essay. you have spoken a lot about your personal background and experiences, but haven't really spoken to these two other things (opinions and cultural background). you are not explaining how you will be joining and sharing those personal experiences of yours with the other students at u of michigan and they have asked you to do that in this essay. what are your goals as a nurse? what will you do with your bsn education? you haven't answered that. you've shadowed and seen nurses work yet mentioned nothing about what kind of nursing you see yourself doing once you finish nursing school. what the heck is cultural competence? i have no idea what you mean by that. i wouldn't use terminology and assume that everyone knows what it means just to impress them. if you use it incorrectly they will see through it. they are asking you to elaborate on what would you as an individual bring to our campus community and the nursing profession? you still haven't addressed what you will bring to their campus community. let me let you in on something. bachelor people of just about any subject are trained to be leaders. you will be expected to be a leader when you complete your program of study at their school and get your bachelor's degree. they are looking to see if you are leadership material. did you read their catalog and mission statement yet? the ideas of the kind of people they want to mold and turn out into the michigan community should be there. you want to incorporate them into this paper as some of your goals for the future. for example, when i went to nursing school i was planning on being an or nurse when i graduated. it was all i talked about. one of my classmates was going to be a missionary nurse, go overseas and nurse the poor in the jungles. that's what goals of the future are. so far, you haven't said anything about yours and are would only be thrilled to get into the um nursing program. so would 100 others and that's may not be good enough to get you noticed. you need to show more resolve about wanting to be in the profession and what you plan to do with that bsn education and make um proud keeping in mind that they are most likely expecting to crank out leaders. give them the pats on the back that they are looking for because i guarantee that others who want to get into their program will.

if you need to see examples of what drives people to be nurses, see some of the comments on this thread:

https://allnurses.com/general-nursing-discussion/whats-your-story-346920.html - what's your story? why did you become a nurse?