Help with essay for application to the nursing program! Honest opinons please :)

what would you as an individual bring to our campus community?

compassion, fortitude and intellect are just a few of the qualities that i will bring to the nursing program

you should elaborate a lot more on these points. so far you have mostly a tangent that doesn't really touch on the topic that they want.

what would you as an individual bring to the nursing profession?

same as previous. most of what you wrote talks about what you have "learned", but very little of it answers the question.

Thanks. I do need to focus on the question more. Personal essays are so difficult to write! Ughh I'll keep workin'! Thanks again.

Your enthusiasm and writing abilities shine in this essay. You've had good exposure to a professional setting and abundant opportunities to see important concepts--ethics, confidentiality, compassion, and other crucial values--in action. Your attitude seems to be humble and positive.

What's missing from this essay is you.

My take on what you have written is that it's based on what you think the powers that be want to hear rather than what you actually have to say. It seems more polite and proper than real.

I think of the movie, "Spanglish." If you haven't seen it, I'd suggest watching. The story (which is actually the college entrance essay for one of the main characters), starts with voice-overs of typical essay material--poised but artificial, calculated to impress but starved for genuine meaning. Then we hear Cristina speaking of the hard life experiences and the dedicated mother who taught her what truly matters. The difference is amazing.

Be sure you answer the question--what will you bring to the campus? What do you have to give and share and offer to your future classmates and instructors? Are you an optimist? Do you like to sing? Can you make a mean quesadilla? These might not seem like they're related to nursing, but they show you as a person. Are you good with kids? Do you speak another language? Do you have a good sense of humor? Again, not obvious answers to the question, but things that could make you stand out in a crowd of people who are otherwise similarly qualified.

Speak in word pictures, not idealistic concepts. "I once stayed up all night to help a friend make fifteen dozen cookies she promised for a bake sale," instead of, "I try to exemplify loyalty."

I realize you have limited space, but that's all the more reason to make your words count. Go for connection. Skip the philosophical and choose the practical. If you can make them laugh, so much the better. Even share some of your flaws--along with what you've learned from them. Just be authentically yourself. That alone will make you stand out.

Try again and tell us who you really are. :redbeathe I look forward to seeing Take Two.

I appreciate you taking the time to say all of that! I really feel as though my passion and compassion for people is what will make me an excellent nurse. I feel like that is my strongest and best quality, so I'm going to try to find a good real life example that demonstrates that. Luckily my acceptance into the program is based on GPA, NET scores and letters of recomendation and not just the essay! I will keep working at it. Thank you for your much appreciated input.

Thats actually exactly what I wanted to say, but didn't know how too. lol..I wrote an essay in 2004 for a school that I have ALWAYS wanted to go to. Needless to say it was very well written but really "technical". I think you should listen to rn/writer, she obviously knows how to get into school since she is already a nurse. lol...But I think your essay was EXACTLY what high school taught us to write, or even college. Its crazy they teach us that and then when we need it, its useless. hmmm. but thats awesome that your mom in a nurse pract. maybe you could tell a "story" per-say, about something that happened with you and your mom at her job. Like you witnessed her save a helpless child. I dunno, just an idea...But the reason I say to write a short story is b/c I too, am trying to figure out how to write my essay for a couple schools, (still trying to get in!) and I just can't think of the "perfect" story to tell.

You definitely want to keep them reading, b/c imagine reading like 600 essays, it would be hard to pick out the best. it would be easy to "forget" some, unless they stood out. Oh well, theres my . hope it helps! keep us posted!

Oh I just read your response. And how did you do on the NET? I have to take the TEAS (in my opinion its WAY harder than the NET) Hopefully this time I can make a decent grade, I have already taken it once and only made a 72. I am SO ready to graduate! I just really want to get into a nursing program!!!!!!!! AHH! I live in GA. and every test is now the TEAS. Have you taken it? Oh and I wanted to mention that with your mom being a nurse Im sure that will be taken into consideration.

I took the NET last month and I got in the 96th percentile :) I studied for about 2 weeks straight but I was so relieved when I saw it paid off! They really like to make us jump through hoops to get in! Now to tackle this essay...

I appreciate your being blunt! That is exactly what I need to hear. My mom always proofreads my papers for me but I think that she would love just about anything I write (especially if it's about her) Thanks for your input. I will keep working on it until it's perfect!

okay guys... this is the revised version. i feel like it is much more personal and answers the question they are asking a lot better. i feel a lot better about this and i tried to incorporate a little bit of everyones advice. let me know what you think. thanks, kristen :)

the pride i hold in saying, "i'm going to be a nurse," is beyond measure. compassion, fortitude and intellect are just a few of my finest qualities and i am confident that these traits will be a positive addition to the nursing program at the university of michigan-flint, and to the nursing profession as a whole. while empathy and determination are wonderful qualities it is notable that i am also an optimist, with an excellent sense of humor, who works well with others. i enjoy a challenge and i know that nursing is a career that will constantly challenge me and allow me to learn and grow every day.

although i have always had these qualities, i was not always certain what to do with them, but i have always known that i admire and hold great respect for my mother, who is a family nurse practitioner. two years ago i was given a wonderful opportunity to work in her office as a front office assistant. my experience there has truly helped to cement the notion of me becoming a nurse, and has taught me the significance of cultural competence, empathy and communication. best of all, through working beside my mom i have learned a lot about myself and the person i want to become. i have discovered that nursing is my true calling, and a career well suited for me. my confidence in myself and my future is another important attribute in a future nurse.

through my prerequisite courses i have gained a newfound eagerness for knowledge, which coupled with my qualities such as compassion, optimism and dedication, give me many of the desirable characteristics to make an admirable nurse one day. already i have accomplished so much and i am thrilled at the prospect of being accepted into the nursing program at the university of michigan-flint and being a part of one of the most respected professions in the world.