Guilty Mom

[catfish1]

This is for all the mothers who are nurses. Any of you with elementary school age children working 12 hr. shifts feel bad about having to get their kids up early and take them to daycare/grandmas house to be at work by 7 am? I am struggling with the dicision to take a full-time position at the hospital or not. What if my 6yr. old doesn't adjust well to not have mom take her to school and pick her up or be gone until 7:30-8:00 two or three nights in a row? This would mean my husband would take care of her on the days that I work and he is very strict with her and yells at her alot which always breaks my heart. We never agree on parenting issues.:argue: I really need the experience in the hospital even though I've been an LPN for 15 yrs. and an RN for 9 mo. Any advice or ways to get over this anxiety I'm going through? One other question. Do you work 3 12's or 2 12's in a row at the hospital? Thanks for all who reply.:nuke:

[HouTx, BSN, MSN, EdD]

I completely agree with the previous posters - Nights are the answer.

When my kids were little, they didn't know I worked (8 hr nights at the time) - I found this out when oldest's 2nd grade teacher called me. She asked my kid to take a note home to me with the number of cupcakes on it (I was bringing them for a party). She said she mentioned something about not wanting to call because she didn't know if I had worked the night before.

Well - my kid looked right at her and said "my mommy doesn't work" "she just likes to sleep really late so Daddy has to make breakfast".

[queenjean]

yup, that's why i work nights. i can get my kids off to school and home from school.

Same here--I work nights so I can take my kiddos to school, DH or I pick them up. I might switch to days after my kids graduate from high school, but for now, night shift works much better with a family.

[rn/writer, RN]

1. Nights may be a good option.

2. Different parenting styles are not necessarily a bad thing. You and your husband need to be sure you have the same basic values. And you need to map out what's cake and what's frosting. Try to keep the non-negotiables to a minimum. Beyond that, it's okay for kids to see that Mom and Dad parent differently. Kids who grow up in a bilingual home learn to speak Spanish to one parent and English to the other. Kids are amazingly adaptable, and they're smart enough to understand that parents can do things differently but still be in basic agreement. The thing is that you and your spouse have to find a compatible way of parenting. Compatible, not the same.

3. Work out your guilt issues apart from the kids. Vent here. Talk to friends. See a counselor. But do NOT burden your children with your guilt. It will only undermine their security. Many kids who have grown up in dire straits say as adults that they didn't know they were poor (or living in a bad neighborhood or the victim of some other stressor) because their parents made them feel safe and good. I'm sure some of those parents felt terrible behind the scenes, but they didn't pass that on to their kids. They also didn't let their children feel sorry for themselves, and that is exactly what will happen if you communicate to your children that you are somehow letting them down or stressing them out because of your work schedule. Kids have an incredible knack for knowing when and how to exploit parental guilt. Don't tempt them.

4. Monitor your home and family. If your life isn't working, change things around until it is. Change your hours. Cut back. Adapt. Do whatever it takes for everything to come together and function reasonably well. Two cautions. Don't be frightened by momentary glitches. Short-term blips show up on everyone's radar from time to time. Take time before reacting to be certain that what you're seeing is more than a temporary wrinkle.

And don't feel bad that you have to fine tune. Things change. People change. Be glad that as a nurse you have a tremendous amount of flexibility compared to most people in other jobs.

5. Learn to say no to non-essentials until you have the basics covered well. Develop confidence in your love for your family and your ability to take care of them. Forgive yourself when you forget something or make mistakes. Whatever you do, don't turn your imperfections into permission for others to berate you or for YOU to berate yourself.

6. Sit down with your kids and let them help you to brainstorm ideas for how to make life work. You might be surprised at how creative and smart kids can be. And, too, they cooperate better when they become "invested" in group success. One poster's tagline says that attitude is the difference between an ordeal and an adventure. Turn this challenge into a family adventure and let it bond and energize all of you.

We're all trying to get from one day into the next with as much success and as little bad baggage as possible. Give your kids the feeling that you're all in this together. Find ways that they benefit from your working and make sure they appreciate them.

You and your family will do a magnificent job.

[catfish1]

Thanks everyone for your words of wisdom. I know there are alot of moms who go through these same issues too. I love this web site and all of you fellow nurses for caring and sharing. Only good tears.