Gratitude

Hello. I wish I could say that I have an "attitude of gratitude" but I cannot today, or since I started this journey of BON / diversion. I am grateful to be alive, and have the love of my family & my health, that's about it.

I hope I will not receive any hostilities as well. My involvement to BON was a result of my being too devoted to my career, going to work when I should of stayed home due to the fact that the dept. was short staffed & "no one better call in sick." I am a senior level nurse, middle aged, no dicipline actions at any of my job areas, LOVE MY CAREER, and wanted to absorbe and learn various areas of nursing. I also have a medical condition that on a prn basis I took a pain med once I got home from my work shift.

I was at work when I was experiencing an increasing ammount of pain from a new health condition unknown to me at the time I was asked to pee in a cup. I was initially asked if there would be a chance of a positive UA and I was honest, informing this person that I have prescribed pain medication that I took the evening before & it might show up in a UA. Apparently, someone viewed my tentative and guarded movements as being impaired. That new medical condition was dx'd by an ER doc after my UA was submitted.

I was advised to contact BON within 48 hours to get enrolled in their monitoring program or else the MC will report me. After a hostile discussion with the BON, who informed me that my only other option is that I can be reported to the state attorney general for more severe actions on my license, I complied.

I am not an addict. I do not know what it is like to think about, crave, obsess, romance, contemplate obtaining and using either drugs or alcohol. I had to go into intensive outpatient treatment where I heard others talking about how they have the obsession, desire, cravings and triggers to use. I had none. Ever. My state ordered psychiatrist and even my counselor both concur that I am not an addict. That what I am going through is wrong.

I have lost a position in a department of the MC where I would have loved to stay as a staff nurse until I retired (if I even chose to retire). The other staff menbers look at me now with distain and lack of respect. I only work part-time as there are no full time positions where I currently work. Too old to make a career change. Even all the experience in the various areas of nursing is working against me. I was told that I was obsolete as a nurse in the area that I have the greatest passion and experience in as I do not have "current experience" due to advancing technology, as if I am brain dead and cannot be shown how to plug in instrumentation, set up for proceedures. Losing my home. Spent thousand + dollars on state mandated UA.

Mandated to go to AA / NA meetings daily. My heart is joyful to hear how others have gotten sober / clean, learning what I have learned about addiction from my outpatient program. But all I feel is angry at what I lost.

I guess I am in the catagory of nurses who made one mistake, lapse of judgement and they were pulled over for DUI, but are not alcoholic. Working steps with a sponsor who also wonders why I am going through this.

I wish you all the best, I'm hoping to get a closer connection with a higher power so I can understand this process of recovery.

n addict. I have to always remember that FIRST. I tend to get wrapped up in what I do instead of who I am and that is a dangerous thing.

I see a lot of "venting" on this thread, and believe me, I understand because I too get frustrated at the process with the licensure board. I live in North Carolina and they have one of the toughest boards in the nation. However, I have to remember that I put myself in this situation, and while I am not responsible for my disease, I am responsible for my recovery.

I would like to try making a Gratitude List Post.

Today I am Grateful for:

1) 60 days clean today. YAY.

2) The opportunity to go to a Narcotics Anonymous convention in Virginia Beach.

3) I laughed a LOT with other women in the program today.

4) I have a loving family, including a husband who is keeping a warm fire going in the fireplace.:redbeathe

YAY BEVERLY...thank you for your uplifting words...:heartbeat:nurse::heartbeat

Beverly: keep at it!

Princess Papooli: sorry that you are going through that. i too believe like esme12 shared-one door closes but another will open. who knows, maybe this is the next step in your career...psych/addiction specialty nursing.

Best of luck to you both!!