Got a talking to....

I'm enrolled in an LPN program and part of the program is cna training. I have taken CNA training 3 years ago and didn't get certified because my mom passed away and I was going through depression. I decided a few months ago I want to be a nurse and decided to do the LPN program. I'm currently enrolled in a cna class and I love it. At first I was upset because I have to retake this class but after the 1st day I love it, I love being around people and I go to class every day. The instructors are easy to get along with and are not boring to listen to at all. In the first week I sat in the back and would talk too much so the instructor pulled me aside and told me I need to stop, so I did and moved to the front of the class. I don't talk any more, I participate in discussions and I'm the one to answer all the questions when she asks them. The class is coming along great, I do good on my tests and already have all my skills signed off. I think I'm completely competent.

So the problem is yesterday I went to the restroom and when I got out one of the instructors was waiting for me, to talk to me. She asked me if I was okay because it seems that I don't want to be there. I look tired and keep going to the bathroom...because I'm not interested? She said that I look depressed and disengaged all the time. She knows that my parents have passed away because I have talked about my parents being sick and being in nursing homes. She always looks at me in class like she feels bad for me or something. It makes me uncomfortable because I'm trying to just go to school and become something and not dwell on my losses...its time to move on.

This was a total shock to me because I didn't know I was coming off that way. I have the look of a depressed person...when I have a straight face its really hard to read me. People always think I'm depressed but I'm not always depressed. I have been so happy at school because I love being around people and I'm doing something productive. I'm moving forward. I told her all this.

When I went home I could not stop thing about what she said. I was wondering how I could seem more engaged. I though I should just participate more and so I did. At lunch time today one of the directors of the program pulled me aside and had the same discussion with me. I was so mad inside. She told me I was written up for this. She said one of the questions she asked them was "would you want her as your CNA"? Both instructors said no.

I'm so insulted in a way. I know they are trying to help but to write me up? Thats crazy. I asked to speak to both the instructors in private because this isn't fair to be singled out like this. I had to convince them I was okay and this is what I have a passion for. I can't stress how much I love being there and this whole learning experience. I hope they believe me because I was totally trying to be more enthusiastic today and seem more involved. I'm going to help the students with their skills and help them get signed off. Thats all I can do. And smile more.

They are expecting a higher standard from me because I'm going to be a nurse.

I'm just confused...it makes me question myself a lot. If this is what I should be doing.