my husband is very intimidated by the added independence that a well compensated, sought after career will bring. our children are getting older (all school age now), and even though i've always worked part time, they have been my focus. now he sees my focus shifting to returning to the "adult" working world, and he is very intimidated.
converse to what you envision, my husband often says he thinks i'll leave him when i finish my studies.
what to say . . . he, like your husband, works long hours and is away more than home . . . it's been this way for 20 years (our oldest is about to turn 18) . . . sorry, hon, but i grew a life while you were gone . . . i have friends and interests that he does not share, and school is one of those.
my husband had the option to be home with us more, but he chose work over family. he, like your husband, had "a friend" a couple of years ago; it wasn't as innocent as your husband's distraction may have been. i told him to end it or the marriage was over, and he did end it. he, unlike your husband, has ignored our children and has no relationship with them. the kids were my "job," not his. funny part is, i was pretty content in the marriage until he found this "friend," because that really made me rethink the bases of the relationship.
my husband has made it clear in counseling that he resents my growing independence and liked it better when i was essentially barefoot and pregnant, and my only focus was the home. well, i'm 46, i'm done with childbearing and in the home stretch of childrearing, and i'm not going to sit here waiting for the two afternoons a week he's home and conscious; i don't plan on looking for men, i plan on going out and getting a good job!
we'll see what the next couple of years bring; i have no plans to divorce him . . . but i really don't want a life for the next 20 years where i'm paid attention to only when it's convenient for him, and i don't plan to be held captive at home or in a low-paying job that would keep me dependent upon him financially. he knows that when i'm a nurse i'll be able to support myself and our youngest . . . and he's terrified i'll do just that. yet nothing changes on his end of the partnership, and he'd like me to move backwards, which i won't do <<sigh>>
so, no, you're not the only one with relationship problems . . .