Why do people belittle others to make themselves feel better?

[maracuya]

Just venting here...

I am in my 40's and just started my pre-nursing classes in January 2012. Took my HESI-A2 this summer and scored an average of 99 on it. I've been burning all my neurons studying like crazy and have been able to maintain a 4.0 GPA - I do this to try to increase the probability that I am accepted to my school's nursing program. I've made so many sacrifices... I've missed out on outings with my husband and children because I've had to stay at home and study for exams and lab practicals, etc. I work very hard to do my best. I'm sure you all know what it's like when you really want it.

Anyway... I was sooo mad yesterday. There is this girl in my A&P class, who also happens to be in my Intro to Nursing class. We were getting ready to receive the results for our last exam in A&P and I've been working so hard that I always get the top grade. So the professor announced that only one person got 100 on the test. One girl tells the other "it was probably her", and then this girl says "it's because she is older and has more time to study". I was soooo mad. I didn't hear her, someone else told me what she said after class, so unfortunately I didn't get a chance to respond. But I felt like my efforts were being undermined. I guess at a conscious level I don't care what she thinks - but it just makes me so mad. People will say anything to justify themselves I guess. I mean, I know it would be so much easier for me if I would have done this back when I was 20, living at home, no kids, no responsibilities other than making good grades. What right does she have to belittle my effort? Plus... there are other people there, my age, with no jobs, that don't make the same grades I do.

Just so mad. Ok, venting done. Now to study.

[suzimarie]

Ditto: Haters are going to hate!

Jealous people will be jealous until they are happy with themselves, which is likely not going to happen until they get serious therapy.

Sometimes we take these comments personally or can feel hurt but that is likely due to the fact that most healthy people would like to have a healthy connection with their cohorts.

Young people can be...well they are a bullying generation whether it is with words or actions.

Ignore them.

I am a mental health professional and we would be lying if we said we didn't have biases. What is important is that we don't let these interfere with the treatment of our clients/patients and that requires having our own therapy. The individuals that you speak of lack self awareness and are letting their biases get in the way of preparing for nursing. I hope none of them become my nurse. Imagine the poor patients that are victims of their behavior and attitudes.

[FMF Corpsman, MSN, RN]

... I work very hard to do my best. ... What right does she have to belittle my effort? ...

Hi Kelani, Congratulations for doing so well in your studies. To answer your question, neither she nor anyone else has any right to put you or your efforts down, but that isn’t going to stop them. It isn’t going to stop them in school and it isn’t going to stop them in life either. You said you were in your 40’s, surely you know by now that your school is merely a microcosm of life, and that what happens there is simply a mirror of what happens in real life. You’ve had to have heard by now that once you finish school and take your boards, only then can you begin to learn what Nursing is all about. I’m not faulting you; you are not too blame for the shortcomings of other rude students who will undoubtedly become plss-poor nurses, if in fact they can ever pass their State Boards. You keep up the good work, and as you’ve already decided, maybe keep your future scores to yourself, and you’ll do well.

[elegant.lil.lady]

My favorite quote that I remind myself of every morning when I wake up:

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt

Everyone has made some great comments here! I love how supportive we all are of each other! :)

[AheleneRN]

Congratulations!!! Job well done and keep up the good work. Forget the haters!!! You're always going to have haters wherever you go, especially when you're successful at what you're doing. Ignore them because what good does it do to acknowledge them? Nothing, zero, zilch, nada! Do you and let them continue hating on you ;-)

[hope4ccns]

So true! I am a mother, work, and go to school full time. I haven't slept since September! Everyone has something going on...there's a girl in my group who gets all A's on her exams and thinks she knows everything (although she struggles in the clinical setting). No one wants to work with her because she belittles everyone, the other day I was discussing the exam with another classmate (87% score) and she says "You guys are younger than me there's no reason why you shouldn't have more time to study as much, if you just study more you an get A's" She's maybe 10 years older than me tops (I'm 30)..what does age have to do with anything (and since when is 30 so young?). But she's also told other students that they are fat so she can't hear their apical pulse, or they are shaky and she doesn't think they should inject. Some people are just like this...

[wbrown06]

You said you don't want to be belittled,yet you stated "I would love to be 20 and do it" that doesn't necessarily make it easier. I am 20 and have a 4.0 in my nursing program and feel like because that your statement makes me feel belittled. No sorry it is not easier, because I'm 20. I work hard to maintain my grades and give up doing things with friends and family to study. Just thought I would let you know it works both ways. Sorry for typos on my phone.

[FMF Corpsman, MSN, RN]

You said you don't want to be belittled,yet you stated "I would love to be 20 and do it" that doesn't necessarily make it easier. I am 20 and have a 4.0 in my nursing program and feel like because that your statement makes me feel belittled. No sorry it is not easier, because I'm 20. I work hard to maintain my grades and give up doing things with friends and family to study. Just thought I would let you know it works both ways. Sorry for typos on my phone.

I can't, for the life of me, figure out why you would feel belittled over this statement. The OP is in her 40's and, if I am reading her correctly, is simply stating a feeling that if she where twenty years or so younger, she might find it a bit easier to accomplish her task. This is something I might also say being 65 years old myself. I'm not putting you down, but you are only 20 years old and have no idea what it feels like to have 20 or 45 additional years tacked on and then to attempt to do what you are doing. You are looking at it backwards, you said "No it is not easier, because you are 20" Try imagining it if you were 40, and had the addition of children and a household to run.

[metal_m0nk, BSN, RN]

You said you don't want to be belittled,yet you stated "I would love to be 20 and do it" that doesn't necessarily make it easier. I am 20 and have a 4.0 in my nursing program and feel like because that your statement makes me feel belittled. No sorry it is not easier, because I'm 20. I work hard to maintain my grades and give up doing things with friends and family to study. Just thought I would let you know it works both ways. Sorry for typos on my phone.

I can't, for the life of me, figure out why you would feel belittled over this statement. The OP is in her 40's and, if I am reading her correctly, is simply stating a feeling that if she where twenty years or so younger, she might find it a bit easier to accomplish her task. This is something I might also say being 65 years old myself. I'm not putting you down, but you are only 20 years old and have no idea what it feels like to have 20 or 45 additional years tacked on and then to attempt to do what you are doing. You are looking at it backwards, you said "No it is not easier, because you are 20" Try imagining it if you were 40, and had the addition of children and a household to run.

True statement from FMF. The responsibilities of a 30, 40, 50, 60 year old are very different from the responsibilities of a 20 year old. Your social status changes as you age, there's marriage, divorce, mortgages, grandchildren, caring for parents as they age or dealing with the fallout of parents that have passed, the list goes on. Not to mention the wear and tear that 40 or 50 years of existence and living puts on your body, your memory, your energy level, your responses to stress. Fact is, /he/she's been 20. He/she knows the difference between 20 and 50. You have yet to be 50. You don't know the difference and won't until you get there.

[katiebear]

I have been in several situations throughout my nursing program where I was informed my stress and effort was not equal to the stress and effort of others due to my age. I find it to be ridiculous to judge anyone's situation based on their age. Nobody can tell what your unique home life is like by knowing the number of years you've lived. So, basically, just sweetly inform anyone who says it TO you (not someone you HEARD had said it) that they truly do not know your life, and leave it at that. It's honest, simple, diffuses the situation and will make you feel better than if you retaliated!

And to the posts more recently stating its impossible for a 20 year old to know what it's like to be 50, I have to comment... I'm 22, and regardless of the fact that you may have been 22 at some point in time, you have absolutely NO concept of what my life is like simply because you know my age. You have no concept of what another younger students life is like, either. Just the same as I cannot judge your personal struggles, you cannot judge mine. Assuming you know someone's stress level, hard work and life simply because you know how many years they lived is very similar to assuming you know someone based on any physical attribute. Judge people by their actions, not by how it looks.

Remember this: Don't judge a book by its cover. Allow your peers the same non-judgmental, open compassion that you allow your patients.

Soapbox, peace out.

[Band]

The 22 yo comment seem more mature than the ones in their 40s...lol. It's not about age, nursing school is stressful that's how some people cope, gossip and excuses; it makes you miserable at times. Please try to ignore those generalized comments OP. we had our prof speak in class about this it has gotten so bad - it's terrible!

[blueyesue]

I had a nursing student tell me "I can't stand overachievers" Yet she is the one who has to be the first at everything. She tries to be the one in control of the situation. She even walked up to me and grabbed a paper out of my hand so she could use it. Go figure. I don't think some people even know how they act or what they say half the time. Maybe nursing school rewires our neurons. LOL

[metal_m0nk, BSN, RN]

I have been in several situations throughout my nursing program where I was informed my stress and effort was not equal to the stress and effort of others due to my age. I find it to be ridiculous to judge anyone's situation based on their age. Nobody can tell what your unique home life is like by knowing the number of years you've lived. So, basically, just sweetly inform anyone who says it TO you (not someone you HEARD had said it) that they truly do not know your life, and leave it at that. It's honest, simple, diffuses the situation and will make you feel better than if you retaliated!

And to the posts more recently stating its impossible for a 20 year old to know what it's like to be 50, I have to comment... I'm 22, and regardless of the fact that you may have been 22 at some point in time, you have absolutely NO concept of what my life is like simply because you know my age. You have no concept of what another younger students life is like, either. Just the same as I cannot judge your personal struggles, you cannot judge mine. Assuming you know someone's stress level, hard work and life simply because you know how many years they lived is very similar to assuming you know someone based on any physical attribute. Judge people by their actions, not by how it looks.

Remember this: Don't judge a book by its cover. Allow your peers the same non-judgmental, open compassion that you allow your patients.

Soapbox, peace out.

Someone who is 30, 40, 50, 60 knows what 22 feels like. That is fact. You do not know what 30, 40, 50, 60 feels like. That is also fact. You can explain it away and pretend that other contingencies are more important than the sheer unavoidable biological fact that people age and with age comes change, but that's not going to make it any less true.