Sacrifice and feelings of guilt... it's long.. sorry

  1. I know I'm not the only one feeling this way, but I've not seen another post on it, so here goes.... I learned the hard way that money doesn't equal happiness, and at times, the two are enemies. The position I held before paid me very well. It also came with a cost. I was away from home for an average of 70 hours a week, constantly stressed, and basically "on call" 24/7. I was literally more dedicated to my job than anything, and in fact, when my marriage ended, my husband said in court, "you were alot more married to that company than you ever were to me". The marriage dissolved, and I continued to work.. the company relocated me and my children three times w/i six months before I'd finally had enough. I was told I would be relocated for the fourth time, and my daughter had three weeks left in school.. I quit on the spot. I was able to save money while I worked (didn't have time to spend it), and so I wasn't in financial trouble when I quit. Luckily for me, my ex husband gave me another chance, and now we are set to be remarried in a few weeks. Our family will once again be complete. One of the decisions we made is that I would definitely find a new career, and he is standing behind me 100%. Even *his* family is standing behind the marriage and my new direction, something that never happened before. I'm excited, and I know we will have a great future together. The problem is... I've always been making as much, if not more money than he does. I don't mind that he's making the money, not at all. I'm just feeling guilty that I'm asking my husband and my children to sacrifice (financially) in order for me to pursue this. I know that in the long run, it will pay off, but in the meantime, I'm still feeling guilty...
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    About ARmickie

    Joined: Apr '04; Posts: 345


  3. by   TopCat1234
    my husband and i were in the same industry, working for the same company, then we were competitors. i am more aggressive in pursuing opportunities, and i too was working 60-80 hr weeks, traveling 2-3 days per week. even when i was home deathly ill, i was remotely dialing in for email and returning voicemails. and yes, i made more money than my husband.

    i finally quit because the stress was taking its toll - on my health, on my marriage. and it was never really something i wanted to do - i just fell into it. i've been unemployed since december, and have been on the fast track to completing my bs in finance and taking pre-reqs for nursing school. has it been easy - my husband as the sole breadwinner? no. i know he worries, i worry. it has been and will continue to be a huge financial sacrifice. he is looking to start a small business on the side for supplemental income. we are cutting expenses - no more gelson's (high end supermarket), i'm looking for the super wal-mart. i may actually have to give up my 900 gazillon channels on digital cable - and trust me, i love my digital cable! but from what i understand, i'll be studying so much in nursing school i won't have time to watch it anyways....:wink2:

    his daughter also has to sacrifice - she will need to do without some things right now. it is tough for her, as she is 16 and wants the cool clothes and a car - but we cannot afford it right now. the hope is that the temporary pain right now will pay off in huge dividends once you have your rn and you're working. so we look forward to the hope in that.

    do i feel guilty? absolutely! every time a bill come in, every time his daughter wants to go here, or do this or do that, i feel the pangs. i asked my husband again the other day, do i need to get a part-time job? he tells me my job is to finish school and get my degree and get into nursing school. :kiss so we fall back on the hope - these choices and sacrifices are for the ultimate good of the entire family.

    we are going to make it - lord knows, we've come too far to have the door slammed in our faces!

  4. by   ARmickie

    we are going to make it - lord knows, we've come too far to have the door slammed in our faces!

    that is exactly the feeling that we have about our situation.. and, my hubby also tells me that my job will be school, and that he'll work all the overtime he possibly can in order to make more money. i guess i just feel as if i'm not contributing and that bothers me greatly. he loves me, and by no means wants me to work until i'm finished with the license in hand, and then he wants to return to school as well. (and do the self employment business he's always dreamed of.) maybe i should just look at it from the point of view that he'll sacrifice for me now if i'll sacrifice for him later. ... but, boy is it hard when the kids want stuff all the time, and i have to say no. not to mention trying to break his cycle of "i want it/i'm buying it"...
  5. by   TopCat1234
    how old are your kids? are they old enough that if you sat them down and explained the situation that they would understand? my stepdaughter understands - she doesn't agree with it, but she understands. she's also realizes that she's old enough to have her own job and save up for a car and her insurance and buy the cool clothes that she wants. so she'll learn how to budget her funds and how she can't necessarily get everything she wants on a limited income.

    and trust me, i struggle with the "i want it/i'm buying it". we're going on vacation at the end of the month - 10 days in the mountains in our rv. this is our first long trip in the rv. i told hubby we should consider renting a tow dolly so we can bring one of our cars, leave the rv at the park and not drive around in it all the time. nope! he'd much rather spend thousands of dollars on some mini fold-up scooters to use. i mean, yeah the scooters are cool, but can we really afford it right now?

    so we gotta hang in there and be strong!

  6. by   ARmickie
    The kids are six and seven, and while they understand, they don't understand. It just is hard for me to say, "no, mom can't buy you that book right now" or "I just don't have the money for you to have the birthday party at the pizza place" or whatever. They don't really "suffer", but when I can't give them something they really want the look on their faces is enough to tear my heart out at times. I'm so excited about going to school, but at the same time, I'm constantly readdressing the situation and second guessing myself..
  7. by   sprtbikegrlsv65
    yeah but look at this get to spend more time with your kids now than you did before right? to me that's much more precious in the long run than the b-day party at the pizza place!
  8. by   LauraF, RN
    I am currently working on pre-req's to bridge into the RN program. My kids are 3&1/2 and 4 years old. They understand that Mom and Dad do the best they can. My son the 4 year old has been wanting to go to his "favorite place" since it was built. It is the Great Wolf Lodge. I told him we have to just tough it out for another year or so, and then we will take him there. It is a hotel that has an indoor waterpark. It costs about $400 a night. On the down side, I took my son out shopping for christmas. I told him we were going to buy some new toys for a poor kid and donate it so that they would have toys for christmas. I was great until the next day, then he said 'But Mom I am a poor kid." We also don't have new cars. I drive a '94 minivan and hubby drives an '86 minivan. We have to have a minivan or something large because my daughter uses a wheelchair, or we would have something with better gas mileage. Hubby does all the servicing on them too. You find a way to get things done. I think you will enjoy being in school more then being out of the house for 70 hours a week. ack!!!
  9. by   Vailgang
    It is difficult adjusting to not having a job "identity" and an income but the rewards with your family will be well worth it. I recently lost my job (long story) and I made sacrifices to do a good job and very regretful. I will never view a job as more than that A JOB. My family will always come first and money will not be an issue. I want to be a mother before I want to be a nurse. The bosses that I work for won't visit me when I am dying or help me when I am old but my family will. My losing my job has really been hard for me because I got my feelings hurt by people that I thought were my friends but they were just co-workers and that hurt. I have a new outlook on working and hope that you will enjoy your time with your family as I am. Yes, money will be tight but we will adjust. I have 5 kids and I know that they understand and have said that they love having Mom at home. Sorry to get so emotional. If you need any support just give us a call... we are there to support you.
  10. by   emmy
    I know it's difficult but you really shouldn't feel guilty. You have a wonderful hubby who is willing to support you while you study. When you've finished you can return the favour but in the mean time focus on getting through nursing school as it's tough work. I know how you feel though, we recently moved to a new country and my hubby is doing a job that he's not happy in but he's staying there until I'm quailified and then he can leave and start up his own business.
    You'll be working before you Know it so hang in there and don't feel guilty about doing something that will ultimately benefit the whole family