My husband won't let me do bed baths

Nursing Students General Students

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I told my husband that we are doing bed baths in lab on Friday. He looked at me strange and asked me why on earth I would want to do that. I told him that it is just something you do as a nurse. He looked at me weird and I told him we would be in shorts and a tank top. He said "Your not letting some guy practice on you!" I told him that it was a medical professional think and that it was not like the male student would be turned on or something. He said that the guy could and that no guy was giving me a sponge bath. I asked, "what if I was in an accident and in the hospital and they had to give me a bath?" and he said "I would give you a bath":madface: Has any one hand any problems with this? I better not tell him that eventually we will be learning to do cathaters...on males...

Specializes in ICU.
Lol, maybe I'm just lucky but neither my husband or myself "tell each other stuff we can't do all the time". Seriously though, being a nurse or nursing student is not the same as someone outside of the health care arena choosing to strip down to their underwear in front of collegues.

Okay, I was exaggerating. We don't get that way unless it is something really important like about the kids (as in, "you can't let our three year old help you push the lawn mower") or money (as in "you can't buy a brand new Pathfinder when we're still trying to pay off your loans from nursing school") and we talk about it and come to an agreement. I was just trying to say that maybe instead of everyone attacking this husband, it wouldn't hurt to look at it from his point of view. It sounded more like he misunderstood and he needed reassurance. And I really do think it's just as weird and inappropriate for nursing students to give each other bed baths as it would be in any other area. They don't need to learn this kind of stuff on each other. That's why we have clinicals. I thought the mannequin baths were actually much better for the real experience because mannequins are much more likely than young healthy adults to fall out of the bed on their heads--one danger in giving bed baths to real patients. :)

It bothers me that everyone else would take this opportunity to go so far overboard with their accusations against someone they don't even know. If he really is that kind of a jerk, that sucks and it would upset me as much as it would anyone else. This situation does not sound that serious. It sounds like a normal husband reacting to something uncomfortable; maybe overreacting, but still normal. Not quite "domineering" and "severely immature." This kind of bashing isn't helpful. My own husband could care less about me handling the bodies of naked men on a daily basis. He knows nursing makes me happy so it makes him happy too. But when we were newlyweds, he was a little like that and other guys flirting with me bothered him. He got over it. I'm sure this guy will too.

Specializes in Family Nursing.

I pray that I am wrong about this, but this has absolutely nothing to do with bed baths.

Please give this some careful consideration.

I had a conversation with my friend, Kim. I tried to tell her that her husband's jealous behavior was abusive. I went so far as to tell her that their situation was escalating ( I had seen the signs for the better part of 3 years) and that if she didn't get some help, he would inevitably kill her. She dismissed my comments....maybe out of denial, or just out of frustration, maybe she loved him, she didn't want to give up, maybe she was TRULY AFRAID and was unable to share that with me. She believed that he loved her and that they could work it out.....sadly love has nothing to do with this. After all, we are nurses, we are supposed to understand, we are supposed to use therapeutic communication to let our patients and our loved ones know they are heard. We are supposed to find the appropriate intervention to make things better, in practice and in our personal lives. We are the care givers. We are HUMAN!

2 short months after Kim and I had that conversation, her husband shot her in the head and killed her.

You may be in an abusive relationship if your husband is jealous or possessive of you. Jealousy is the PRIMARY sign of abusive relationships. Is he controlling or demanding? If he is trying to dictate what you may or may not do within your scope of practice, he is absolutely being controlling and demanding and his jealousy is plainly obvious. This has nothing to do with bed baths.

Does he try to isolate you by limiting your contact with family and friends? I could go on and on here but I will say please just google "abusive relationships" and educate yourself on this subject. Please, I implore you to talk to someone about this. You are not alone, even if it feels like you are.

I know, I lived it too, but I was lucky.

My beautiful friend, Kimberly Deanne Jackson, RN was not.

Please talk to someone about this. Please.

This has nothing to do with bed baths.

Specializes in ER.

I think people who are non-medical don't see things the way we all do. You see one you've seen them all !!! You really do need to find out why he has a problem with this and explain it is not a sexual thing. He would absolutely die if you were in my BSN Health Assessmant class...we do all kinds of exams ...of course not male or female GU...on each other and we spent a good part of the class hysterical laughing because someone always comes up with soemthing funny to say. The instructor even ends up laughing at us. There are 3 males in the class, 2 of which I work with in the ER. We have a blast !!! But back to your problem...your husband has to understand naked bodies of the opposite sex are just part of our work day just like a painter has paint brushes or a mailman has mail. NO BIG DEAL..... He needs to articulate what his feelings are a little better and why he feels this way. OOOOOH if he told me I COULD NOT DO.... you better believe I WOULD DO.......

OK, in defense of insecure men all over the world, I feel I must say something. My husband, who I love dearly, is VERY jealous and insecure. It doesn't change the way I feel about him in any way, shape or form. I've found the best way to handle this is reassurance that he is the man I love. However, I didn't have to do bed baths on my fellow students--thank God--I would've quit nursing school at that point!! Many people I know have misunderstood my husband's feelings in the past--including myself at times--but the ones who truly love me and my husband have been supportive and understanding. If this is the one you love, you support him and as Tammy Wynette so eloquently said, "Stand by your man." This may sound silly/old fashioned, but I happen to believe wholeheartedly in that statement. My husband knows that if I happen to disagree with him, I will still do what I want, so I don't think of his behavior as abuse. AND, vice versa. My advice is to try to reassure him and help make him feel comfortable about what you need to do as a nurse.

Specializes in Looking for a career in NICU.
LET you?:uhoh3:

Might want to work on settling this now, though, or it'll just keep going on and get worse. He needs to get over the fact (and his insecurities with himself) that there's nothing sexual about any of the procedures.

(I wouldn't have problems with this, mainly because i wouldn't tolerate my huband acting like they're my father telling me what i can and cannot do, especially when it pertains to unavoidable aspects of my career, but that's just me.)

:yeahthat:

Specializes in Looking for a career in NICU.

I wouldn't be comfortable doing the bath thing either with a classmate. However, as an adult, I don't think I could walk into a classroom and have the nerve to tell an instructor, "I can't do the bath with another male because my husband won't approve of it, won't let me, etc." I would feel like I was 3 years old.

There are things in a marriage that are true partnering (money, child rearing), but some things fall under the catagory of where a husband needs to "deal with it" and this is one of them.

We aren't talking about you wearing a dress that he might feel is a little too sexy or revealing...we are talking about a college class where you are receiving an education, and learning to work around a body is part of it. He needs to learn to deal with his own insecurities now before they escalate, and yup, they are insecurities. It's nothing but pure jealousy.

You live in the United States of America. You are over 21. The activity you describe is not illegal - in fact, it is a required part of your training. NO ONE has the right to "won't let" you. Reminds me of someone I dated many years ago. He told me that I should not worry because he'd LET ME keep working. Guess what - we never did get married!

:caduceus:

Hang in there - with your nursing studies, that is!

Specializes in Operating Room.
we do all kinds of exams ...of course not male or female GU...on each other and we spent a good part of the class hysterical laughing because someone always comes up with something funny to say.

To change the subject because I'm sure the bed bath problem is over by now...I hope......I wanted to comment on ltg623's post.

When we did bed baths, my partner was already in her hospital gown, bathing suit underneath, and just kept it on instead of going to the restroom to change first.

She walks in and introduces herself as my student nurse, and I said out loud, "You know there's a nursing shortage when patients have to give each other baths." :chuckle It was funny.

Specializes in Med-Surg, Paediatrics.

Hi

This is my first post and have read only a few of the replies.

I'm not surprised that your husband objects to a colleague performing a practice bed-bath on you, even if you are wearing a top and shorts! In my day we practised on real patients, as way back then student nurses, in the UK at least, were part of the workforce, and we learned on the job.

Away from the wards we used to practice on dummies - I see no reason to practice bathing on each other.

Now, if hubby has a problem with you bathing male PATIENTS, then you really need to have a talk to him!

Sue

Some things you only discuss with coworkers and other nursing students...

Specializes in Infectious Disease.

I tell my husband everything about nursing school because he finds it amusing. It never matters if I have to practice anything with male students because he understands I will be seeing and doing far worse when I'm a nurse.

Last week, my patient in clinical pressed his member against me when I was making his bed. I put him in his place right away. I came home and told my husband about it. We had a laugh because my patient looked like a little boy who was being scolded by his mother. If I couldn't discuss this incident with my husband, because I thought he might not "let" me go back to school, we would have real problem.

In my household, insecurity is a BIG turnoff. It doesn't matter if it comes from me or my husband. After 17 years together, I will not stroke his ego and reassure him about something he should already know. I'm where I want to be and so is he. No bed baths or come-ons will change that. To me, there is nothing more sexy than a secure man.

I applaud you for being open-minded to male students. Things must have changed, because when I was in school the women bathed the women students and the guys bathed the guys.

I think you are going to have to eventually have a "come to Jesus" talk that you will be providing intimate care to men, and that you will be seeing them naked and he will have to deal with it.

He can't possibly be that naive.

Good luck.

Not sure ifd you would want to use the word "intimate" when describing the care that you provide, whether or not it includes bed baths. :eek: Explain that total care is often required for all sorts of patients, including the "Ripley's Believe It or Not" types mentioned above ;).

Looks like the two of you had better discuss the broader issue of his belief that you need his permission to do your job, and your job right now is to do the best you can while in school so that you will be the best you can be when working as a nurse.

This looks like an issue that could evolve into a problem if not dealt with properly ASAP.

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