My confession

[HisTreasure]

I register for school on Wednesday. Today, while riding in the car on my way to the hairdresser my husband asked me a very good question.

"Why do you need to get your hair done for registration?!" I said "Because I don't want my student ID photo to look bad." which is true. But then, I had to delve further into my own subconscious to see if there was more to the story. I mean, it's more than just a fourty dollar hair do. I have a brand new outfit I received for Mother's Day, that I saved for this day. And another new outfit for the first day of school.

OMG! I am not in high school anymore. What the hell is my issue?!

I'm scarred from the time spanning my middle and high school years. I grew up in a well-to-do neighborhood, went to a pretty decent suburban school. But, I'm black. I mean, there were plenty of black kids at school, but some were very mean, and judgemental (I wasn't "Black enough")...as were some of the richer whites. Not everyone, mind you. Just the ones with the BIGGEST voices. People spread raunchy rumors about me, people whom I believed to be my friends or associates were just as evil when my back was turned. My two best friends were white, and I got a LOT of flack for it. Even though my clothes came from the same stores as everyone else, my parents drove late model cars, I was a cheerleader, whatever... I was still persecuted. And I still hurt. I do not want this to turn into a racial debate by any means, as I love all people. I am just saying... I have a serious fear.

That I am going to step foot into that large room with people whom I will be spending each day with for a year. And I fear I will be hated, and talked about, and have no friends. I also fear walking into that room and seeing the face of someone who caused me so much pain five years ago.

And I don't really know if I can do this...

[Truly_Blessed]

goodness, your life sounds just like mine. not black enough for my own people. to make it worse i am biracial...i had 2 strikes against me according to these kids. never understood it, never will. i just had to suck it up. i still from time to time have the fears you have...because even though we aren't in high school anymore, there are still those judgemental brothers and sisters....judging before they know you. like i said, i just have to put it aside and be the nice person i am, kill em with kindness...show them that i am just like them, have the same struggles, have the same fears. i remember reading your posts where you have been so pumped about school...what happened! girl...remember what it's all for. don't talk yourself out of nursing school. you are going to have an amazing support system at school, and you will have support here. you can do it! don't think, just do...you are about to talk yourself out of an amazing oppurtunity...don't go there. forget the jealous ones you knew in high school...they are in the past, and their ignorance has made you stronger, you know this. you're going to be just fine. my prayers are with you. i just want you to know that there are others that endured the same ridicule in school. i totally empathize with what you are saying.you are in no way alone, so trudge on. you will not regret it! be blessed.

if ever, i mean ever you want to email me...my email is [email protected]

[Sheri257]

The only bad things I've seen in school is cheating, people who get jealous of other students who make better grades, and people who always blame professors for their bad grades (where one actually yelled at a professor.) As you can see, even the bad stuff is pretty much all about grades and passing.

If you're starting pre-reqs, sometimes you get younger students in those classes who behave like they're high schoolers. But they are quickly weeded out as soon as you get to the more advanced courses.

Seriously, at a certain point, everybody is so busy and so exhausted from all of the work, nobody really cares what anybody wears what or who is what color. There's a fair number of black students at my college, and I haven't seen anything like that.

I understand how you feel, since returning to school can make anyone nervous. But, I would try not to worry about this too much. Before you know it, you'll be so tired, dragging yourself out of bed, that you'll be wondering ... why was I worried about that? You'll be more worried about all of those tests, all of the reading you have to do, etc.

[RNKITTY04]

KiyasMom,

Please believe me when I tell you that in Nursing school NO ONE cares what color/race/sex/ blood type you are. All they care about is getting through the program in one piece. We all have bad experiences from high school, who cares? You are beyond that now.

I can understand wanting to look your best, for me personally I feel better when I am dressed ok and my hair looks good but many of days I have just managed to do the minimum (deoderant) and everyone still talked to me and was supportive.

Keep your eyes on the end prize and forget all the crap that came before.

And won't it feel good going back to one of your high school reunions and telling them what you have been up to lately?

Good luck and remember what is important. :)

[angel337, MSN, RN]

one thing that i appreciated about my college experience is that people could really care less about how you looked or what kind of clothes you wore. people came to lectures in pajamas in my college. i liked that alot, because there is so much more to worry about......like passing your classes. i don't think you will have anything to worry about. there isn't anything wrong with you wanting to look nice and if getting your hair done and if having a new outfit makes you feel good then do it. but believe me, when you start those nursing classes alot of that will become secondary :)

[Tweety, BSN, RN]

I know what it's like to have those bad memories come flooding back. But you have to leave them in the past and move on. College is different, I'm sure know is going to treat you the way you were treated back then. If they do, then it's their loss. But I'm sure you experiences will be positive.

I used to have bad dreams of high school for many many years. Hope that doesn't happen to you. LOL

Good luck in school! PS. Nothing wrong with wanting to look good in a picture you're going to be stuck with for a while.

[AmyLiz]

I'm sure you'll find out quickly that it won't be anything like high school. People are different in college. You'll be fine! And you'll have an awesomely good student ID picture!