I think I've finally lost it...
Twas the Night Before JCAHO and all through the place
Staff tried to remember to "PASS" and to "RACE"
The employee files were reviewed with care
In hopes that all 6000 papers were there.
The patients were sparkling and tucked in their beds
With neatly fluffed pillowed placed under their heads.
The nurses were writing, as busy as bees
Charting Oral care, Toenail Care, Plan of Care, Pee!
The doors all few open; with faces quite grim
Six people with business suits, clipboard and pen
Filed purposely forward to the nurses' station!
One picked up a Coke can: "TYPE I VIOLATION!"
They rummaged through cabinets, Pyxis and shelves
More industrious than old Santa Claus' elves!
They ripped through supply carts until they perspired.
"Did you know that your toilet paper is expired?"
They went to the patient rooms! "How do you think
I can reach the call light if I fall at the sink?"
They talked to the patient in 12 with DT's
Who thought that the nurses were all giant fleas.
The Hemorrhoid pt's site ID went fine
Til they asked him to reach his own rectum to sign.
Then they asked for a demo of evacuation
Of a 400 lb. man from the 19th floor station.
"Are your salt packets new? Is your pepper too old?
Are your cold dishes hot or your hot dishes cold?
Did your cordon bleu chef train in Europe a year?
And what would you do if your pt. wants beer?"
Code pink and code orange, code black and code blue!
Code yellow and purple and mulberry too!
They hopped on the Hippa and pounced on the Pain!
Talked of cultural needs til the staff wracked their brains!
"That confused, naked man who is roaming the hall...
You can't restrain him, but he's risking a fall!"
"And your Plan of Care doesn't address body image
For that 90 year old there whose nose has a blemish!"
"Are you licensed and certified? Tested? Assessed?
Competencied and religiously blessed?"
"Are IV tubes labeled? Name bracelets applied?
Are allergies tattooed both front and backside?"
At last they all smiled and said, "We are DONE!
And we've only found two hundred seven type One's!
But we'll be back soon to see all is perfection.
In the meantime we leave you with greatest affection."
Twas the night AFTER JCAHO; the staff all collapsed
And drank Margaritas in a bubble bath!
(Just get me through next week...)
