EtOH help

[larsell303]

Hello. I'm wondering if any of you have ever broken the cycle of alcohol abuse before it broke you. I am a 30 year old senior nursing student, about to graduate at the end of the year and I have a serious drinking problem that no one knows about. I have maintained a 4.0 in nursing school, while working 30 hrs a week to pay the bills. I have never drank before or during class or clinicals. Still, quite often, when I don't have anything critically important to do the next morning, I find myself putting away a 6-pack a night (or however much beer happens to be in the house). Each morning after I tell myself I am going to quit, but by the time evening rolls around I am able to convince myself that I will have "just one beer with dinner."

Yes, most of the important people in my life have witnessed me doing stupid things while drunk, but that is so common among my circle of family and friends that they have been willing to let it go. I am pretty good at appearing functional and really bad at asking for help.

If I don't break this pattern, I know that someday, somewhere, I will screw up in a way that I can not fix. There have been times where I was able to stop drinking entirely for several weeks or months, so it feels like this is something I should be able to deal with on my own. All of the treatment options I am aware of involve admitting you have a problem and forever abstaining from alcohol. That is a lot to commit to. I set up an appointment with a counselor through the hospital's employee assistance program, and later cancelled it because I couldn't deal with the idea of being forever saddled with the label of "alcoholic", and never being able to enjoy a drink with my family or friends.

I have kind of family that is so supportive, they would probably stop serving alcohol at family gatherings altogether, if they knew I had a problem. Many of you will see that as a good thing, and I probably would too, if I was viewing the situation as an objective observer. That doesn't mean that I wouldn't feel bad if they chose to forgo a glass of wine with dinner, for my sake. Most of them are able to drink in a healthy manner (one or two glasses of beer or wine with a meal). While I have had occasional slip-ups, I have basically learned to drink in a healthy, responsible way in social settings. I know that I can stop drinking after one or two drinks. It just doesn't happen often when I am home alone with a full 6-pack.

I'm wondering if anyone has been able to conquer this problem through non-traditional means. I want help and I want to change, but I haven't been able to bring myself to making the very public commitment that involves. The thought of never having another drink is something I can deal with, but the idea of forever having the label of "alcoholic" as part of my identity is not. Honestly, who wants to be known as the alcoholic nurse?

Any ideas/suggestions?

There must be someone who is able to identify as this is a problem that is so deeply embedded in our culture. I have encountered more heavy drinkers among the faculty, students, and staff at the academic medical center where I work than I have in any other place in my life. I've never heard anyone acknowledge this, other than jokingly or in stories, and I have not had the guts to talk about it either.

[VivaLasViejas, ASN, RN]

As the saying goes, if you think you have an alcohol problem, it already has you.

I was like you once, a relatively functional human being who got up every morning, did what needed to be done, and made it through the day. If I drank a glass of brandy every night, or went on the occasional six-month binge, who cared? I still kept house, was a good wife and mother, ran the Jaycees' weekly breakfast meeting, cooked dinner, volunteered at the health clinic.......I certainly wasn't an alcoholic.

At least, that's what I told myself. I didn't realize then that you don't have to be a derelict living in a back alley to be an alcoholic; in fact, alcoholics are human beings much like everyone else---they have families and jobs and social lives, they have hopes and dreams and ambitions. What they DON'T have is the ability to control their drinking. They may have enough pride to at least try to keep up appearances, and they may even stick to "one or two drinks" for months or years............but control is only an illusion: sooner or later the urge to binge WILL return, and they will give in to it.

This is how I was able to fool myself for many years; I thought because I could go so long between binges---sometimes as long as a year or more!---and didn't get loaded every time I drank, that I was in control. What I had was pride, and some dignity mixed in for good measure; but it's been 15 years since I gave it up, and I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I can never drink again. From the time I was four years old and went around sipping daintily out of the guests' glasses at a house party, until the night I finished off the last of the New Year's Eve champagne and said "That's it" almost thirty years later, I was never in control.

It also took me at least ten years of sobriety to realize that wishing I could have "one or two drinks" was a sure sign that the problem would always be with me. An individual who does NOT have a drinking problem couldn't care less if and when they drink alcohol. They don't think about it. Me, I still think about it, and I probably always will.

The other thing is, please don't let the label of 'alcoholic' stop you from getting the help you already know you need. You don't have to call yourself ANY name that you don't like; I happen to use that term because I learned in AA that I needed to get past labels in order to accept the fact that I had the disease. To me, it's just another word, just another description---it does not define me as a person. But alcoholism is part of me, just like having high blood pressure, brown hair, a crooked grin, and a warped sense of humor are part of me.........not bad or good, it just IS.

I hope this is helpful to you. Please PM me if you need support; I'm glad to help if I can.

[TiffyRN, BSN, PhD]

I know very little on a personal level about alcoholism. My one suggestion though is that you NOT go to anyone in your nursing program; student or instructor/counselor. Just trust me on this one. Find ANYONE else to share your problems with. To your instructors and nursing school instructors always give the image of "everything is fine; everything is good".

I wish you the best in finding the help you need. I fear though that if you share with nursing school people and you don't follow the exact program they want; then you may be bounced from the program. I've seen it happen (for other problems, not necessarily substance related).

[Jules A, MSN]

• I have a serious drinking problem that no one knows about.
  
• Each morning after I tell myself I am going to quit, but by the time evening rolls around I am able to convince myself that I will have "just one beer with dinner."
  
• Yes, most of the important people in my life have witnessed me doing stupid things while drunk
  
• I am pretty good at appearing functional and really bad at asking for help.
  
• If I don't break this pattern, I know that someday, somewhere, I will screw up in a way that I can not fix.
  
• I know that I can stop drinking after one or two drinks. It just doesn't happen often when I am home alone with a full 6-pack.
  
• The thought of never having another drink is something I can deal with, but the idea of forever having the label of "alcoholic" as part of my identity is not.
  
• I set up an appointment with a counselor through the hospital's employee assistance program, and later cancelled it because I couldn't deal with the idea of being forever saddled with the label of "alcoholic", and never being able to enjoy a drink with my family or friends.
  
• I know that no one here cares about my grades or how many hours I work, but I posted them simply to illustrate the nature of my problem as a psychological dependence, rather than a physical dependence.
  
• I could quit today and with no worries about withdrawal, if I had a compelling enough reason to do so.
  
• That is, I know my habits are seriously unhealthy, but at this point, I haven't done anything where the damages I have caused surpass the level of embarrassment, so the choices are all mine.
  
• I'm not convinced I have a disease. Perhaps I'm just an idiot who makes a lot of poor choices. Either way, willpower still has a role in overcoming psychological dependence.
  
• I suspect that the nature of support necessary to overcome psychological dependence is somewhat different from that necessary to overcome physical dependence.

All of the treatment options I am aware of involve admitting you have a problem and forever abstaining from alcohol. That is a lot to commit to.

Please re-read what you've written. Please attend an AA meeting and then you can decide where to go from there. I applaud you for having the courage to try and open up here, please continue to advocate for your self and your life. Jules