Damage control? Or just more damage?

[chartlooe]

SO my husband just started nursing school today - his first day of class! I am more proud of him than I can say. Of course, we are talking about how to stay strong in our marriage, when he will be away from home at least six days a week and probably working the other one.

One of the challenges is to be apart from each other, and for me especially, to have no-one to snuggle, go on dates with, or just spend time with. I work in a hospital as a CNA, and am very happy with my job. I only work three days a week and since we live simply that pays the bills - leaving me with a lot of free time and now no-one to share it with. I have friends and family, of course, but the thought of not having a lover or, more accurately, romantic partner -for all that time - and it will get only more intense as the program continues - is depressing and frightening. It's not sex per se, it's just that particular romance you can only have with a intimate partner that I would miss.

My husband and I have discussed finding a friend/lover for me during that time, since he is worried he will neglect me - not by intention but by virtue of the circumstances and feel guilty - and I am worried about being abandoned, with nobody to touch or simply be romantic with. We are both very OK with the general concept, but I am looking for people's wisdom. Neither of us want to make a hasty decision with destructive consequences.

I know three other married students for whom this or a similar arrangement is working so incredibly well, it's amazing- so I am curious. Everyone has support, and affection, and time - nobody is guilty, or lonely, or feels neglected. The men/wives feel like they're off the hook and be free to study or work without neglecting their spouse, and the spouse has an intimate partner and so is not feeling neglected or alone, and everyone shares expenses and tasks. The atmosphere of calm and practicality is so different from the tension and exhaustion that most students seem to be fighting with.

Has anyone tried this? If there were affairs or other partners, was it an efficient way to blow off steam? Did buckling down help keep you together or just crush you under the weight of those million little neglects?

EDIT: My husband and I have been married for seven years now, and dated for five years before that. We are great friends and he is a wonderful husband, better every year as we go through more and more years together.

[one_speed]

Wow...

Flame me if you want but since this seems to be a bit of a retarded question anyways I'm going to go ahead and reply.

I'm sure some may criticise my "lack of professionality" for responding to this "troll" like this.

I have to honestly say that up until this moment I have enjoyed visiting allnurses.com for a wide spectrum of nursing information and experience from around the world, but after reading the OP's question and some ofthe serious responses, I can honestly say that we are all dumber for having read this.:trout:

I have just spent the last 8 hours listening to the inane complaints of many of the people choosing to attend my ER in the middle ofthe night and this was my trigger point.

Your personal choice of a life style aside (kudos to your husband for going back to school to improve your lives), I have to ask you one question...

Are you on crack ??? (not meant to insult crack addicts everywhere)

He's going back to school full time and your worried that you may need to have an affair so that you aren't being neglected or bored ??

How's about getting off your a**, start working to earn a living for both him and you. Maybe he can relax on his one day off and not have to support you or worry about making money to pay tuition, books, clinical / lab costs, etc.

Honest to God, a lot of the postings on this forum deal with professionalism, portrayal of nursing as more than the naughty nurse hadnmaiden type, and what do we end up having to read ? "should my husband find me a lover while he is in nursing school?" How do you even feel that this is an appropritate venue to ask such a question, and how do the responders actually put effort into coming up with sincere responses.

Here's one...

"My friends and I (all guys) are dressing up as naughty nurses for president's day, where can we find costumes that will fit middle aged men (dresses, shoes, caps etc.) anything online ?"

Well.. it has something to do with nursing.

Honestly, if the OP thought that this was an appropriate forum for her question surely my question sits well with others (great, now if someone googles "naughty nurse" they'll come to this forum).

jeesh, I'm so out of energy... sorry for the rant at 0400.

MODERATOR !!!

[clemmm78, RN]

You don't need a bunch of strangers on a bulletin board to tell you what is right and what is wrong about your relationship. In my opinion, the very fact that you have to ask tells me that either A) this is a prank or B) you really are very naive.

*You* are the one who will be doing or not doing. *You* are the one who has to decide what marriage vows mean. However, the last time I went to a wedding, I don't recall hearing the words "I join you matrimony and, if you get bored or too busy for your partner, I also join anyone else who wants to join in."

(adding: as part of my disbelief, I find it hard to believe that you hadn't considered doing other things with your time.)

[NurseCard, ADN]

Wow...

Flame me if you want but since this seems to be a bit of a retarded question anyways I'm going to go ahead and reply.

I'm sure while some may criticise my "lack of professionality" for responding to this "troll" like this.

I have to honestly say that up until this moment I have enjoyed visiting allnurses.com for a wide spectrum of nursing information and experience from around the world, but after reading the OP's question and some ofthe serious responses, I can honestly say that we are all dumber for having read this.:trout:

I have just spent the last 8 hours listening to the inane complaints of many of the people choosing to attend my ER in the middle ofthe night and this was my trigger point.

Your personal choice of a life style aside (kudos to your husband for going back to school to improve your lives), I have to ask you one question...

Are you on crack ??? (not meant to insult crack addicts everywhere)

He's going back to school full time and your worried that you may need to have an affair so that you aren't being neglected or bored ??

How's about getting off your a**, start working to earn a living for both him and you. Maybe he can relax on his one day off and not have to support you or worry about making money to pay tuition, books, clinical / lab costs, etc.

Honest to God, a lot of the postings on this forum deal with professionalism, portrayal of nursing as more than the naughty nurse hadnmaiden type, and what do we end up having to read ? "should my husband find me a lover while he is in nursing school?" How do you even feel that this is an appropritate venue to ask such a question, and how do the responders actually put effort into coming up with sincere responses.

Here's one...

"My friends and I (all guys) are dressing up as naughty nurses for president's day, where can we find costumes that will fit middle aged men (dresses, shoes, caps etc.) anything online ?"

Honestly, if the OP thought that this was an appropriate forum for her question surley my question sits well with others (great, now if someone googles "naughty nurse" they'll come to this forum).

jeesh, I'm so out of energy... sorry for the rant at 0400.

MODERATOR !!!

I was just personally giving the poster the benefit of the doubt that she was truly worried about how the demands of nursing school might affect her marriage, and trying not to be judgemental. My original thought was that no, her post didn't belong here at all, but then I opened my mind up and realized that hey, it does contain questions that pertain to nursing school and one of it's issues.

Whatever... to be honest, I agree that the OP is giving off a rather selfish vibe but hellfire... if her husband is okay with her having a "friend" on the side, I mean, PERFECTLY okay with it, than who are we to judge? I'm just telling her that, if it isn't something that they've already experimented with before, then she needs to proceed with extreme caution.

[rn/writer, RN]

Seeing that you have been a member of allnurses.com for slightly less than five hours and have managed to post a controversial question that has several other posters suspect you are "playing with us," I have to wonder.

If you can make your initial inquiry (should I find a romantic partner to keep myself occupied and feeling less lonely while my husband works his behind off in school and on the job?) and still state in a later post that you, "love him so much," I would have to say that you have a skewed understanding of a committed marriage, to say the least.

That you could even pose such a question indicates that your current thought process is self-centered and immature or that you think little of wasting the time of the other members of this board, in which case, the first possibility still applies.

If there is any reality to your inquiry, I would say you need more help than can be gotten on a board such as this one. In-person counseling might be a good place to start.

In a good marriage, the two become one, looking out for one another's interests, bearing one another's burdens, guarding the sanctity and the privacy of their relationship from anything that would invade or undermine that bond. Their committment to one another is like their first child, to be cherished, delighted in, and protected at all costs, especially during times of physical separation, loneliness, and stress.

The idea of intentionally violating this unity to keep from being bored or lonely is incredibly sad and misguided.

Please, get help.