Confused

[nerdynurse22]

I am going to try to make this short and to the point. I started a new job at my dream hospital over a year ago. The unit is new to me and to be honest, I am not sure it is for me. I have a manager and charge nurse who are in cohouts and has its out for me. It is completely bullying behaviors. I try to focus on my job and ths patients but still get the treatment. I feel that I dont fit in and the other nurses don't like me. I am not sure what I did.

I LOVE the hospital and thought about a transfer but not sure what department. I work in a stressful oncology icu unit and feel drawn to L&D as they are 'healthier'.

Not sure what to do. I also moved away from family and friends and feel so alone, depressed snd worthless. I also do not know who I can trust to bring up the bullying from management.

Please help.

[Ruby Vee, BSN]

I am going to try to make this short and to the point. I started a new job at my dream hospital over a year ago. The unit is new to me and to be honest, I am not sure it is for me. I have a manager and charge nurse who are in cohouts and has its out for me. It is completely bullying behaviors. I try to focus on my job and ths patients but still get the treatment. I feel that I dont fit in and the other nurses don't like me. I am not sure what I did.

I LOVE the hospital and thought about a transfer but not sure what department. I work in a stressful oncology icu unit and feel drawn to L&D as they are 'healthier'.

Not sure what to do. I also moved away from family and friends and feel so alone, depressed snd worthless. I also do not know who I can trust to bring up the bullying from management.

Please help.

It's probably not what you did, but what you didn't do. More new grads lose their jobs over 'not fitting in' than any other reason. If you don't fit in -- if your colleagues don't like you -- they aren't going to go to bat for you when you inevitably make an error. Everyone makes errors.

Have you made an effort to fit in? Workplace relationships need work just as much as job skills. I was one of those new grads who didn't realize that, didn't fit in and felt unliked and inadequate. I wish someone had taken me aside and said "Listen, Ruby, you need to work on being likable." They didn't, and it took me YEARS to figure it out. I thought just doing a good job was enough. It wasn't.

Greet everyone you see with a smile, a cheery hello and an innocuous question about how the sunshine (or lack thereof) is making their garden grow (or not), how Junior did in football try-outs, whether they found a any new apartments they were interested in on their days off or how that dating app is working out. Don't know who gardens, whose kid is in football, who is looking for new housing or trying a dating app? Chitchat is the grease that melds co-workers into colleagues and team members. Spend a moment or two chatting with everyone you encounter in your workday. It's worth it. It seemed like a giant time suck to me at first, but it pays off in better workplace relationships. You may never be best friends with these people, but if they don't dislike you, they're more likely to have your back when you need it.

I doubt very much that your manager and charge nurse "have it out for you" and true bullying is rare. Your interactions with them may be unpleasant -- but that's as much on you as it is on them. If you don't put forth the effort to be likable, you cannot blame others for not liking you. Ignoring your colleagues to concentrate on your patients isn't going to improve things. You have to behave as if you are interested in and like your co-workers or they'll never like (or trust) you.

Feeling alone, depressed and worthless is probably contributing to your problems at work. I'd urge you to seek counseling -- there may be an Employee Assistance benefit at your hospital. Make an effort to go out and meet people and make friends. Join a church (even if you aren't religious, it's a good way to meet people -- church used to be the backbone of the social life), take up scuba diving (how I saved myself when I was alone and friendless in a new city), join a walking group or a knitting circle or a group for some other hobby that interests you. Make an effort to be friendly to newer employees -- offer to show them your favorite coffee shop or the best pumpkin patch or whatever. (Counseling can help give you the tools to accomplish this.)

Please let us know how you are doing.

[brownbook]

Yes, yes, yes, to what Ruby said. I was never bullied but knew, felt, I never fit in. So I labeled myself as an introvert, self fulfilling prophecy!

A nurse new to our unit but closer to my age was hired. Within two weeks she knew everybody's name (a lot of different nurses and doctors rotate through our unit) and they knew hers. It was simply a matter of doing what Ruby said. Say hi, or hay, insert person's name, and an innocuous question.

I am much happier and am NOT an introvert, never was, just a dunder head, í ½í¸€.

[nerdynurse22]

It's probably not what you did, but what you didn't do. More new grads lose their jobs over 'not fitting in' than any other reason. If you don't fit in -- if your colleagues don't like you -- they aren't going to go to bat for you when you inevitably make an error. Everyone makes errors.

Have you made an effort to fit in? Workplace relationships need work just as much as job skills. I was one of those new grads who didn't realize that, didn't fit in and felt unliked and inadequate. I wish someone had taken me aside and said "Listen, Ruby, you need to work on being likable." They didn't, and it took me YEARS to figure it out. I thought just doing a good job was enough. It wasn't.

Greet everyone you see with a smile, a cheery hello and an innocuous question about how the sunshine (or lack thereof) is making their garden grow (or not), how Junior did in football try-outs, whether they found a any new apartments they were interested in on their days off or how that dating app is working out. Don't know who gardens, whose kid is in football, who is looking for new housing or trying a dating app? Chitchat is the grease that melds co-workers into colleagues and team members. Spend a moment or two chatting with everyone you encounter in your workday. It's worth it. It seemed like a giant time suck to me at first, but it pays off in better workplace relationships. You may never be best friends with these people, but if they don't dislike you, they're more likely to have your back when you need it.

I doubt very much that your manager and charge nurse "have it out for you" and true bullying is rare. Your interactions with them may be unpleasant -- but that's as much on you as it is on them. If you don't put forth the effort to be likable, you cannot blame others for not liking you. Ignoring your colleagues to concentrate on your patients isn't going to improve things. You have to behave as if you are interested in and like your co-workers or they'll never like (or trust) you.

Feeling alone, depressed and worthless is probably contributing to your problems at work. I'd urge you to seek counseling -- there may be an Employee Assistance benefit at your hospital. Make an effort to go out and meet people and make friends. Join a church (even if you aren't religious, it's a good way to meet people -- church used to be the backbone of the social life), take up scuba diving (how I saved myself when I was alone and friendless in a new city), join a walking group or a knitting circle or a group for some other hobby that interests you. Make an effort to be friendly to newer employees -- offer to show them your favorite coffee shop or the best pumpkin patch or whatever. (Counseling can help give you the tools to accomplish this.)

Please let us know how you are doing.

Thank you for your reply and insight. I do feel like I don't fit in, not smart enough, not likeable from the patients or families etc. I do say hi, ask if they need anything or help, ask about them and more. I sometimes feel like I am fake or putting a mask on. I have always dealt with depression, poor self esteem and zero confidence. I am seeing my MD and in meds amd have tried therapy and employee assistance.

I don't want to explain the actions of managment (as it would identify myself.) It is bullying from 2 particular people. Thry are older and set in their ways. Others have acknowledged the bullying too.

I have tried to reach out and find groups and meet people nuta big introvert. I also feel ackward and uncomfortable. I have always felt this awkward too.

Not sure if nursing is even for me.

[nerdynurse22]

@brownbook, it wouldn't let me quote your reply. I tried and tried. Thank you for your reply and info.

I am curious how did you overcome the introvert part?

[Ddestiny, BSN, RN]

I want to agree with RubyVee's post that a lot of these feelings really can come from inside, rather than any major outside purposes. I've been able to learn this first-hand recently.

I have a long history of depression. I'm much better off now, but early in life it was at one point in life *very* debilitating. Now I can work fulltime and have a pretty happy life, but am prone to falling back into some of those old frames of mind (I'm not cut out for this, I'm not good enough, etc) when having persistent stress. Well, in July I changed from my old unit (Post surg/oncology) to my new unit in the ICU. It was a stressful transition because I had no previous critical care experience and had very limited experience in critical care during nursing school clinicals. Also the unit culture was different than my old one; everyone knows each other really well and its generally like a "big family" kind of feeling...which is great, until you're the new one that wants to fit in! lol

Anyway, a few weeks into orientation I really was feeling the stress, feeling like I wasn't fitting in, and was really trying to decide if my feelings were coming through that old lens of depression or were they really coming from me not being cut out to be a critical care nurse. I would get really good feedback from my preceptor but there were days where I'd feel that even she was pulling away from me. And I'd feel left out of the culture on the unit. I also didn't know if I could keep up with the new stress. I had come from an area where I had felt very comfortable and competent, but stagnant, so the stress from unit to unit was different for me.

So what changed? I went back to an anti-depressant that I know works for me. I'd stopped taking it previously because I felt I didn't need it at the time. After restarting my medication I could see things more clearly -- my preceptor wasn't pulling away, she was just showing she trusted me and was giving me space. (Literally, the space that I had asked for so I could work on time management!) Coworkers weren't purposefully leaving me out, I just felt that way in my stressed out/depressed state of mind. Sometimes when we're in those frames of mind we really do see what we expect, etched into the faces of those we know -- disgust, frustration, apathy....

It sounds like you've tried a lot of these things, but it can take a LONG time to find out what, exactly, works for you. I had the privilege of not only knowing what works for me, but also having it on hand. The extra energy from the medication also makes it easier to practice other self-care like making sure I'm calling up old friends (we moved away from most of my friends a few years ago), exercising and spending time outside. Now, just 2-3 months away from that period of time from I felt so concerned about myself and my future, I'm really happy with where my career is and I'm enjoying my new job.

I really encourage you to find new medication options. Consider what you've used before and do some research on antidepressants that work on other neurotransmitters. Speak frankly with your provider about how you're feeling. Finding a therapist you trust to really do some hard work with, is also important. Depression is not easy to treat but it's soo worth it. The prize at the end of the trials is not just a happier job, but a happier life.

I also encourage you to not make any decisions right away about if "nursing is for you"....or even this unit! It's very easy to make long-term decisions that you will regret later while stressed out or depressed. Maybe you would eventually do better to restart in a different unit, but waiting until you're feeling better to make the decision AND the actual move will give you the opportunity to start fresh and new -- not with just the same old habits -- in your new area.

Things can, and do, get better.

Good luck with your decisions. =)

[Ruby Vee, BSN]

Thank you for your reply and insight. I do feel like I don't fit in, not smart enough, not likeable from the patients or families etc. I do say hi, ask if they need anything or help, ask about them and more. I sometimes feel like I am fake or putting a mask on. I have always dealt with depression, poor self esteem and zero confidence. I am seeing my MD and in meds amd have tried therapy and employee assistance.

I don't want to explain the actions of managment (as it would identify myself.) It is bullying from 2 particular people. Thry are older and set in their ways. Others have acknowledged the bullying too.

I have tried to reach out and find groups and meet people nuta big introvert. I also feel ackward and uncomfortable. I have always felt this awkward too.

Not sure if nursing is even for me.

Feeling like you're "fake" or "putting on a mask" is normal when you start stepping out of your comfort zone in an effort to build working relationships. It's uncomfortable, but you just have to power through it. Your counselor should be able to give you specific "meet people" exercises and assignments based on his/her knowledge of you. For me, it was taking the moment to chat with someone the first time I saw them that day. One of the CNAs taught me how important it was to being part of the team. "Good morning, Brittney. How was your drive home last night? That traffic was horrible?" "Hi Sam. Did you see the Seahawks game? Great game!" "Morning, Cindy. All this rain must be making it hard to get out into your garden." I don't know anything about football and I hate gardening, but those are the only things I know about Sam and Cindy . . . So I'll keep my ears open and learn more.

As far as bullying behaviors -- too little of what we see described as "bullying" on this forum actually constitutes bullying, so I'll err on the side of assuming that these are interactions that you find very uncomfortable or negative with two particular people. If they're "older and set in their ways," it's probably not bullying at all, but generational differences. Folks of my generation may not be all that nurturing, but we truly want you to stay and work with us and succeed. So we may be rather direct and/or abrupt when we tell you "You filled out Mrs. B's I & O sheet incorrectly. You should be filling it out this way instead of that way," or "next time have all of your supplies assembled before you come get me to help you turn and clean that patient." We're not trying to be rude, may not even think about the fact that you may think it's rude. We're just busy and often thinking of eight things at once. If you can learn to accept that as just "part of the package" it will go a long way to better workplace relationships.

Poor self esteem and zero confidence may make you take things more harshly than they were meant. I hope you can figure out for yourself who wishes you ill and who simply as poor interpersonal skills . . . because I'm sure you understand how it feels to have poor interpersonal skills. (I surely do!) Accept people as best you can, enjoy their good qualities and try to ignore their bad qualities as best you can. It makes work a lot more pleasant!

[Ruby Vee, BSN]

I want to agree with RubyVee's post that a lot of these feelings really can come from inside, rather than any major outside purposes. I've been able to learn this first-hand recently.

I have a long history of depression. I'm much better off now, but early in life it was at one point in life *very* debilitating. Now I can work fulltime and have a pretty happy life, but am prone to falling back into some of those old frames of mind (I'm not cut out for this, I'm not good enough, etc) when having persistent stress. Well, in July I changed from my old unit (Post surg/oncology) to my new unit in the ICU. It was a stressful transition because I had no previous critical care experience and had very limited experience in critical care during nursing school clinicals. Also the unit culture was different than my old one; everyone knows each other really well and its generally like a "big family" kind of feeling...which is great, until you're the new one that wants to fit in! lol

Anyway, a few weeks into orientation I really was feeling the stress, feeling like I wasn't fitting in, and was really trying to decide if my feelings were coming through that old lens of depression or were they really coming from me not being cut out to be a critical care nurse. I would get really good feedback from my preceptor but there were days where I'd feel that even she was pulling away from me. And I'd feel left out of the culture on the unit. I also didn't know if I could keep up with the new stress. I had come from an area where I had felt very comfortable and competent, but stagnant, so the stress from unit to unit was different for me.

So what changed? I went back to an anti-depressant that I know works for me. I'd stopped taking it previously because I felt I didn't need it at the time. After restarting my medication I could see things more clearly -- my preceptor wasn't pulling away, she was just showing she trusted me and was giving me space. (Literally, the space that I had asked for so I could work on time management!) Coworkers weren't purposefully leaving me out, I just felt that way in my stressed out/depressed state of mind. Sometimes when we're in those frames of mind we really do see what we expect, etched into the faces of those we know -- disgust, frustration, apathy....

It sounds like you've tried a lot of these things, but it can take a LONG time to find out what, exactly, works for you. I had the privilege of not only knowing what works for me, but also having it on hand. The extra energy from the medication also makes it easier to practice other self-care like making sure I'm calling up old friends (we moved away from most of my friends a few years ago), exercising and spending time outside. Now, just 2-3 months away from that period of time from I felt so concerned about myself and my future, I'm really happy with where my career is and I'm enjoying my new job.

I really encourage you to find new medication options. Consider what you've used before and do some research on antidepressants that work on other neurotransmitters. Speak frankly with your provider about how you're feeling. Finding a therapist you trust to really do some hard work with, is also important. Depression is not easy to treat but it's soo worth it. The prize at the end of the trials is not just a happier job, but a happier life.

I also encourage you to not make any decisions right away about if "nursing is for you"....or even this unit! It's very easy to make long-term decisions that you will regret later while stressed out or depressed. Maybe you would eventually do better to restart in a different unit, but waiting until you're feeling better to make the decision AND the actual move will give you the opportunity to start fresh and new -- not with just the same old habits -- in your new area.

Things can, and do, get better.

Good luck with your decisions. =)

This is excellent advice! I hope it helps the OP>

[nerdynurse22]

Wow, thank you for your post and insight. It sounds VERY similar. I know my depression is a huge part of it. I used to keep it all bottled up, but I have been 100% honest with my husband, which feels good. I wish I could be more open with others, sad how we feel like depression is something to be ashamed of but yet we treat so many health issues and not blame the person.

I have another appointment with my doctor in 3 weeks. So I will be honest. I am also switching off a med I am on (not for depression but fibromalgia and now found not to be good) and tapering off. So that maybe also a part. I hope someday to feel better or even okay.

Thank you again for your insight and hope.

[brownbook]

@brownbook, it wouldn't let me quote your reply. I tried and tried. Thank you for your reply and info.

I am curious how did you overcome the introvert part?

I just saw this Nothing is perfect or works all the time. But simply a smile and saying "hay" for some reason for me "hay" sounds ????? more casual friendly than "hi", but that's just me. I would visualize "new nurse" and copied what she did, how he acted.

Say "hay" insert name. Be a horrible eavesdropper. Overhear a nurse talking about their child and the next day say, "hay.(insert name)...how is Susie doing in pre-school, my daughter cried all day in pre-school and now is a almost normal teenager, ha ha."

Learn to self-disclose (I am still not good at this). Talk about a dinner you cooked that came out horrible.....or a nice local park you went to.....a movie you saw. Self disclose in a way that is simply a "wow I found this really nice park" or in a way that you are laughing at yourself. Not is a bragging boastful way.

It is not perfect, it may takes months for you to feel comfortable. But don't go back to the way you were because of a few setbacks.