Barrage of Terrible Cases: Remembering to Feel

I don't know if I am alone in the struggle to remember how to feel when bad things happen to other people. I like to be the strong one, the one that can buckle down and get the job done. I am hyper rational and feel that if a tragedy hasn't directly affected me, I have no right to share the grief of a victim's family and friends. But this article is about a weekend at work that shook that theory. Nurses Announcements Archive Article

Life can get crazy. For as long as I can remember I've heard all sorts of tragic stories. When I open the newspaper I read about countless bombings, shootings, house fires, and snipers. But I have become numb to the fact that bad things happen, and it takes effort to let myself be affected by them.

I know that it seems cold and insensitive, but if there is nothing that I can do about a situation I pick myself up and move forward. None of these tragedies have directly affected me. They aren't my stories.

I feel like this at work sometimes too.

In the four months since I transferred to the MICU I have seen countless septic cancer patients, alcoholic GI bleeders, and a variety of debilitating autoimmune disorders. Don't get me wrong, I have compassion, I really do. But I know that life happens, and some people get dealt a bad hand.

I know that sooner or later everyone has to deal with an illness or event that will rock their world, and my job is to be there and treat them when it happens. But this weekend has been a barrage of absolutely terrible cases and my normal techniques for leaving work at work just haven't been effective, no matter what I do.

There was the healthy 18 year old girl with a recent orthopedic surgery who had a massive PE and coded for over 2 hours in the ED. For 36 hours she was ventilated and on pressors, they tried arctic sun in the faint hope to conserve functioning brain tissue. But all of our interventions were not enough, and they withdrew care on Sunday.

I will never forget the faces of her two younger siblings as they left her room the day that their big sister died. There were the two men in their early 40's, neither one with significant medical histories.

One had a stroke that herniated on Saturday, the other had an AVM that hemorrhaged and was declared brain dead less than 12 hours later. One minute he woke up from his sleep with a headache and went downstairs for some aspirin, the next minute his wife found him unconscious on the kitchen floor. But I kept on caring for my two patients as I watched these families trying to cope. Like I said, life happens. Right?

Sunday afternoon before the 18 year old's room was even clean the charge nurse came into the nurse's station with the kicker. A woman 7 months post partum with 3 children got into an argument with her husband.

While he was taking a walk to clear his head, she hung herself in a closet and was found by her 5 year old daughter. I felt like a weight was dropped on my chest. Can you even imagine?

Can you imagine being a 5 year old girl and finding your mommy like that? Or being a husband who will blame himself for this for the rest of his life?

And there I was, carrying on with my day.

When I took my patient for walks around the unit, every other room was filled with grieving families. When I left work I went to a superbowl party and everyone was laughing and drinking and having a great time, and all I could think about was the unimaginable grief that 4 families were experiencing.

I couldn't cry until I was alone with my boyfriend last night, when he finally asked me for details on why my weekend was so bad. I told him these stories in between sobs, and for the first time in the last 3 days I really felt something.

So yes, my job is to be there. But it doesn't mean that I can't grieve with the families of my patients.

I am allowed to feel, whether I am involved with the patient's care or not.

I am allowed to cry, even if a tragedy didn't directly affect my life.

And for now, I will hold my nieces and nephews just a little bit longer. And I will say "I love you" just a little bit more often. And I will continue to be thankful that I can walk, and talk, and breathe. Life may be short, but it isn't over yet.

Aww,,,thank you for sharing your wonderful story! very touching...this is the reality of life, and every day we have to deal with this..I just experienced a loss of significant other, so I can relate that we should let them feel that we love them as often as we can and we should also be thankful for everyday for God is still giving us another chance to live, so let us live meaningfully!

Thank you for writing such important truth. This reminds me of a quote that goes something like: courage does not always roar, sometimes it is the voice at the end of the day that says, "I will try again tomorrow." Thank you for having the courage to feel. My personal belief is that your courage to feel is raising not only your consciousness, but the world's collective consciousness. Thank you.

Specializes in being a Credible Source.

Doctor, my eyes have seen the years

And the slow parade of fears without crying

Now I want to understand

I have done all that I could

To see the evil and the good without hiding

You must help me if you can

Doctor, my eyes

Tell me what is wrong

Was I unwise to leave them open for so long?

'Cause I have wandered through this world

And as each moment has unfurled

I've been waiting to awaken from these dreams

People go just where there will

I never noticed them until I got this feeling

That it's later than it seems

Doctor, my eyes

Tell me what you see

I hear their cries

Just say if it's too late for me

Doctor, my eyes

Cannot see the sky

Is this the prize for having learned how not to cry?

We are witness to some of life's most wrenching tragedies but sometimes touch a life in the most profound way.

It is a delicate thing to be both emotionally engaged and clinically detached.

Suffering children twist my heart up into knots... so hard not to see my own treasured child in their eyes.

Thank you for sharing, beautifully written. Sometimes I go home and I'm just overwhelmed with emotions. I feel so much at work, and give so much at work I sometimes have nothing left.

Specializes in Med Surg.

As a student I have fears about many things. Some of my patients I care about desperately. But there are also times when I've felt like helping a couple of them pack so they can leave AMA (since they're doing every thing else AMA anyway, both in and out of the hospital - and completely resistant to working on any plan for their care).

Will this make me a bad nurse that I don't care equally about my patients? When I worked with children and psych pts I always seemed to care. Somehow I could rationalize with psych patients that no matter what their behavior, they had an actual mental illness that kept them from processing info and reacting in a "normal" manner.

Don't even know what I'm trying to say here other than... sometimes I seem overly rational to others I think, even though I may care deeply. I just worry that I'm not the all compassion all the time prototype of someone who will be an excellent nurse.

Specializes in Pediatrics, Emergency, Trauma.
As a student I have fears about many things. Some of my patients I care about desperately. But there are also times when I've felt like helping a couple of them pack so they can leave AMA (since they're doing every thing else AMA anyway, both in and out of the hospital - and completely resistant to working on any plan for their care).

Will this make me a bad nurse that I don't care equally about my patients? When I worked with children and psych pts I always seemed to care. Somehow I could rationalize with psych patients that no matter what their behavior, they had an actual mental illness that kept them from processing info and reacting in a "normal" manner.

Don't even know what I'm trying to say here other than... sometimes I seem overly rational to others I think, even though I may care deeply. I just worry that I'm not the all compassion all the time prototype of someone who will be an excellent nurse.

Compassion can be resonated in various ways:

Giving someone their last bath after refusing to go through any more treatments of dialysis and thanks you with their eyes because they don't have anything left due to the multi-organ system failure.

You push your pt to do well...they curse at you, you stand their ground. They apologize and shake hands, then you spend 20 mins with them as they cry because they feel hopeless because they don't know if they are ever going to walk again. You shed some sobs as you get through helping them navigate their SCI education book and help them realize the power of the life they have ahead of them...and you see him walk out of the Rehab hospital.

Watch children, who only have temporary time on this earth, go through the emotions of being scared, adjust to school life, like a girl, play and be a boy, all within the span of two years, until the brain tumor succumbs him; or the child who is in hospice with only the respiratory center of his brain is only functioning laugh like the cherub baby of hope, while you read him a story the Thursday before the Saturday he is called home.

These are all significant situations I faced that I can think of within my 11 years of healthcare experience where I have compassionately cared for these pts...there will be more along the way....your pts will thank you and it will be significant to them...when you give yourself the chance to reflect, and debrief from your experiences occasionally, you will realize what steps you have taken to care for them, as well as reflect on how that experience shapes and changes who you are.

Compassion can be built on the patients of your past, and of your future practice. It makes us better nurses, as well as better people.

To the OP, beautiful...you have arrived. ;) :)

I feel like this sometimes, I had to train myself to do this, and then I had to go back and re-teach myself to feel it in a more controlled manner...i feel so much for that poor little girl :/ thank you for sharing!