Feeling worthless kind of...

[newmommy26]

So just need to get this out in a safe place and I don't get to see a counselor for like another two days and it is really bugging me. So I am almost a year eating disorder free and now a month sober and have come to a sad realization I am not very interesting or unique in any way. I have not accomplished anything special in my life other than being a mommy, and I am not that good at that either. My husband is an amazing fisherman and has his videogames and shows he really enjoys and is accomplished at his job, my sober friends have hobbies and friends they hang out with, my friends who have never had problems have hobbies and fulfilling lives. I don't even have hobbies because I am just not good at anything other than as a nurse and even there I was mediocre and very content to stay a floor nurse for my entire career. I am in graduate school but even that seems like I am a fraud and a wanna be success but in reality I am a person racking up student loan bills for a career I may never have. EVeryone in my school is working in the buisness field (MBA) and I am a simple cashier just wanting something to distinguish me as having something. Honestly if not for my baby and my husband I would have probably checked out a long time ago. It just seems like sober has given me the clear head to see the truth I am a super super mediocere and boring excuse for a human being. I guess at least I feel a little better getting that out here so that people here know I may not have answers for things and when I offer advice or an ear I am not the brightest or most knowlegable nurse here.

[Oogie]

Hey If your done beating yourself up then I have a sugjestion try being your own best friend first. Or put another way from what I read in the above words you have a very low self image of yourself. Try looking in the mirror and tell that person you see that you are a good person, you are interesting, you have great value to offer anyone that comes near you. If you don't start by seeing yourself as a person to offer great things to yourself how can you assume to offer that to others. I had the same struggle, I got self obsorbed in beating myself nothing else mattered. UNTILL I realized, I am a good person, (you are too), I have a vast amount of love and understanding to offer the world (I needed to start with myself, you do to). Give yourself a break, forgive that person inside of you and start to grow from there, it does not happen overnight. But stop beating yourself up. No future in that. Just my opinon, but I care, I've been there.... Peace

[Big Blondie, ASN, BSN, MSN, APRN]

Wow, I can so relate to how you are feeling. I did have the opportunity to go to outpatient rehab, and one of the things I learned about is anhedonia. Which is the inability to enjoy simple pleasures. Unfortunateouly in our addiction nothing is satisfying except the chase, the getting and the using...In that we have stopped doing things that others do, ie fishing, reading, going to nursing association meetings, or other types of groups if you get what I mean. So early in recovery many of us tend to start evaluating who and what we have become. Most addicts in early recovery are coming off a long down hill spiral. This is not my first time in recovery, or in my states peer assistance program. Years ago, when I first went to rehab and had lost my job, I sat down and did my resume' the first week I got fired. I went to rehab, and after about 90 days got out the resume' I had done and it was pitiful. I was so down on myself, I couldnt even sell myself on a piece of paper. I did a new resume and I was proud of the nurse I was. I still am today. Funny you mention your husband, because I too compare all of the friendships and hobbies of my husband to mine, and found I sacrificed all of the same things that I like for my drug use. At times I even resented him for his "awesomeness"! He had nothing to do with my feelings, nor did he stand in the way of my happiness, I did that quiet well all by myself. I am slowly getting back into all of the things I have always enjoyed, and guess what Im not the best at anything, but the enemy of perfect is good enough, and I dont have to be perfect! Knowing this, I hope that you get the chance to become more educated on the disease process of addiction, and how to dig out. I know you are smart and have drive, or you wouldnt be in graduate school, or tread through the steps required to continue in nursing. Sending you good vibes!

[HunnieBadger]

Create a positive affirmations list for yourself, I did this in my first few months of recovery. I kept it on my iphone list and read it a few times daily. This helped me accept me, as a good person! I still have my list and read it from time to time, today being one of those times! I have also delved into things like baking and organizing things I neglected while in active addiction. Even though I am not the best at it, I did good by my own standards! Create your own hobbies, figure out what YOU enjoy. In time you will find something and grad school is something to be proud of!

HB

[newmommy26]

Thank you Oogie I honestly needed a swift kick in the butt. You are right that I am seriously hard on myself and that I am so new to sober living that I don't know how to live sober and simply enjoy life. I am sharing in AA meetings and when I do I realize I am not alone in this feeling. I will start today by giving myself a compliment...WHICH IS NOT EASY... (actually someone gave me the compliment but I am owning it). I am a fun person to talk to and people enjoy talking to me. Why would anyone say that to me if that were not true and it was nice to hear because I enjoy talking to people and challenging myself to listen as well as talk (we addicts its all about us isn't it...totally have to start listening and relating) and I can TALK ALOT so sometimes I have to remind myself to let the other person speak. Oh this journey began with a step and maybe that is why there are 12 of them to go through (have no idea where I was going with that Anyway I am not a horrible person:confused: just a person that is quite sick and ready to commit to getting better at any and all costs:uhoh3:. I love all of you for gently relating to me and asking me to wake the bleep up and get of the coffin because we need the wood Got it trying to live it one day at a time. Hope one day I can be giving it back. HUGS

[newmommy26]

Big Blondie it is so interesting that you say you compared yourself to your husbands awesomeness I did too until I asked him if he thought I was boring he stared at me like I was growing 2 heads. He asked me what I meant and I said all I do is go to work, go to AA, take care of our daughter, and be a wife. He again looked at me like he had no idea what I was talking about:alien: Then I realized he goes to work, goes to school, takes care of our daughter, plays video games, and watches tv, oh and he fishes which I will be doing for the first time with him and his son, my stepson, on Saturday:nailbiting:. Poor fish. He asked me if I thought he was boring I said no. I realized a lot of people in this world live their lives without a drink or drug and are happy and fulfilled. Living life on lifes terms and they are okay. Um so I guess I am simply going to have to learn how they do this living sober I guess is the way to find the key to this kingdom. Thanks for the good vibes they were well recieved Funny my sponsor said my daughter (4 and a half months old) and I are going to grow up together...great we can have temper tantrums together too...I need a binky:dummy1:

[newmommy26]

Thanks Hunnie. I am starting to think about doing that (my process is think about it and then do it...I may have to change that to just do it and not to think about it:yawn:...overthinker right here) Hugs.