Feeling unsettled

[imenid37]

I feel kind of lost. At one time, I loved being a nurse. Of course there were ups and downs but generally I was happy with it overall. When I was younger one of my daughters had a chronic illness. I thought I was stressed then... little did I know what was ahead. It isn't anything awful, but it weighs me down. My mother is elderly. My dad died a few years ago. Since then, I am responsible for my mother who has dementia. I have a sister. She calls regularly. At least once every 6 months or so. When she does, it is because she has some problem. She has no money and multiple illnesses, so I am told. Somehow she is able to take cruises and fly out of state every few months. I am pretty sick of her. I told her not to call me any more. Breaking ties with her is not a big deal.

Everyday, I get calls from my mother's caregivers. She needs groceries, diapers, etc. I stay overnight 4 or 5 times a week to save her money. I take her dog to the vet. My husband shovels her snow. This is year two of things this way. Prior to that she lived out of state and caregivers stole from her. Now my husband's mother fell and is confused.

When my daughter was ill, going to work was almost an escape. I could concentrate on work and I had some great coworkers. Five or so years ago, I left a long time workplace because the manager was a narcissist who criticized everything I did. I had always had stellar evals. I have an MSN and had been in education. She picked at everything I did. My grey hair, my height, the wording in my charting. We did not gel. She saw me in sweats and asked me one day with a giggle if I was going to work out. I had enough sense not to respond to her as I would have liked. left that workplace voluntarily. She was asked to leave, apparently?

Since that time, all of the stuff with my mother started. I have had a couple of jobs, but they don't really click with me. As an older nurse, I hate the IT and am slow with charting. It annoys me the time put into charting when you barely have a minute to say hello to a patient and the phone rings to call you for the next task. I work with students and find many are wonderful, but a significant number are difficult. I think I am hesitant to become too attached to a job after my former experience. I know I should just get over it. I wish I knew how. I am taking a class and know I bombed the paper I just submitted because I was so busy with my mom and had to submit a particular form for the end of course in Excel. After two hours and calling one of my kids out of state, it was converted to the acceptable format. My heart was not in it. Anyone else get down in the dumps and find work happiness again? I hate to be such a grumpy old bag. I wish I could find a way to be happier, more organized and less sick of it all! I would love to hear from someone else who is now standing right in front of the light that is supposed to be at the end of the tunnel.

[traumaRUs, MSN, APRN]

Gosh I'm so sorry you are dealing with all of this. It is easier to compartmentalize different aspects of our lives in order to cope. However, in your case you have so much going on - have you considered nursing home placement for your Mother? Even just as respite?