Feeling Isolated while on Monitoring

[gnurse2089]

Hi all, so I'm wondering how most of you deal with the isolation experienced while in these programs.

Im on probation for my first dui for 2.5 more years. Prior to the decision from the board, I enjoyed doing activities that most people in their late 20s do: go out dancing with friends, go out of town on my days off etc. However being on probation has changed my life drastically.

I find myself avoiding going out with friends because I know 9/10 times they'll be drinking and I won't be able to join in. I'm constantly worried about finances as I'm still trying to pay off student loans along with all the fees associated with this program, so I don't even go out to the movies or dinner anymore. I pretty much feel like I'm in limbo and just waiting for this horrible program to be over, but the soonest I can ask for early termination of my program is 2 years into it.

On top of that, sometimes I feel like the board is purposely making this process as tortous as possible. This month I was tested with 4 UAs and a PETH test which means right before xmas I'll get a nice 350 dollar bill from Firstlab. This is without having any positive screens the last 6 months or missing check ins. Firstlab says it's random, I call BS. But suffice to say I won't be xmas shopping for anyone this year.

I used to feel like I was a pretty happy person but lately I've been feeling so helpless and just generally static in life. I mean, it's not to the point where I feel like hurting myself or anything but it's more like sometimes I just want to lay in bed for the next 2.5 years and wake up when this is over.

Any tips you guys have for dealing with this? Next week is my company's annual xmas party and I won the clinical excellence award for my facility this year (which I'm proud of considering all the BS I've had to deal with outside of work). Normally I'd be excited to attend and accept the award but I don't even really feel like going considering it's an open bar party and being around a whole bunch of drunk nurses while sober doesn't sound too fun. What do you guys think?

[gnurse2089]

Hi all,

Apologies for not responding to this thread sooner. The last couple weeks have been a whirlwind. Two days after I created this post, my mom, who had fought ALS for 10 long years and was on a vent at home for the last 8, woke up complaining of bad abdominal pain. She was taken to the ER and we were told she had an intestinal perforation and, due to her ALS, surgery would be very risky. She, along with my family, decided to go home with hospice, and she passed away the next morning, November 28th, surrounded by myself, my father and my two older siblings, along with seven grandchildren, all born after her diagnosis.

I say this to say, looking back at my post, I realize how silly it is to complain about this program. It sucks, it sucks that while my mom was taking her last few breaths, I had to send back and forth emails to my monitor to get out of attending my nurse support group this evening. It sucks that I still had to find time in the same week to attend two AA meetings that I found completely unhelpful at a time when I would've rather been with my family, even though they were only one hour meetings. It sucks that I, later, had to email a copy of my mom's obituary to my monitor as proof that I wasn't "making it up", and worse that there are people sick enough who would make such a horrible thing up. And finally, it sucks that on the day of my mom's rosary, I woke up to find out I had picked to test, and had to have someone watch me pee in my best Sunday suit.

All of this sucks. But we are alive, and at least in my case, work at a job that cares about me and that gave me 2 weeks off paid without a question asked even though they didn't have to. And I have a great family, who has shown great love and strength to each other in this time. And finally, one of the last things my mom said to me (well blinked, as she communicated with a dynavox) was that she was proud of me and loved me. The nursing board will never touch that.

We will all get through this. I know that now. If I can get through these last 2 weeks without even wanting to drink, I know I can get through the next 2 and a half years no problem. Just remember that. Thank you all for the words of encouragement.

[dirtyhippiegirl, BSN, RN]

I'm so sorry for your loss. You have a powerful way with words and very eloquently stated a lot of what is fundamentally wrong/frustrating with these sorts of programs.

You are in my thoughts!

[Sally87]

I am sincerely sorry for your loss! I lost my mother when I was 11 years old. Ill keep you in my prayers!

[tarab333, BSN]

What an affecting post, so sorry for you loss....but it sounds like you've actually had several gains as well. Best to you on your journey.