Feeling burnt and down

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Hi everyone, as you can tell from me submitting a post here I'm a new nurse. I've been a new grad nurse for ~5-6 months in CVICU in a very large teaching hospital. I've been feeling very burnt out, depressed, and down. I tell myself it's "first year blues" but I don't think it really is.

I think it has a lot to do with the fact I never really wanted to be a nurse in the first place. It was mainly my family's dream of me being a nurse than anything else...and I followed their dream because I convinced myself it would be alright even though I didn't have much passion for it. I feel so stupid just following blindly and not thinking about what I wanted in life. I should have known better considering how I had my fair share of hesitations and misery in nursing school.

Now that I'm working I get so depressed and I'm physically in pain half the time I work. I feel like crap all the time.

And no, just in case this alarms you I don't let my feelings affect how I work. I really care for my patients and their family and I've been told by my director and manager how well I'm doing and that they're happy they hired me. :(

Everytime I go to work I think to myself how great it would be if I could quit or if I got food poisoning/got into an accident to prevent me from going to work.

I feel bad to my employer too considering they took their time and money to train me. In the beginning I thought I would be fine and I kinda was, but as the days go by and I work I become very depressed. All I do now is sleep to avoid reality.

I want to quit (knowing it'll be better for my mental/physical health) but I have my hesitations considering it's hard to find a job without at least a years worth of experience and the fact my employer invested in me and I feel the need out of respect to stay for at least a year. But I don't know if I can last a year...I'm mentally strained and physically exhausted. I've developed back, hip, and knee pain as I started working (lack of resources on my unit) and I don't know how much my body will last either.

Is is there anyone who can provide me advice? I feel stuck and I have no one to talk to about this...

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Specializes in Critical Care; Cardiac; Professional Development.

You are right that I am concerned, but not about your patients as much as about you. To state you are wishing you would get food poisoning or into an accident is a warning sign. Before you just up and quit, please consider seeing a professional, who can help you work out all these conflicting emotions and maybe prescribe some meds to give you a clearer view of where your personal power in this situation lies. Nursing may not be for you given what you have said here, but get yourself into a healthy mental place before you make any drastic decisions.

I am wishing you peace and happiness.

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You are saying that being a nurse was your family's dream. Then what YOU wanted to be? You don't have to tell me, but why don't you cut back hours at work and start doing for what you really wanted to be?

I didn't like nursing when I was a nursing student already. I didn't quit nursing school just because it was competitive to get in and I worked hard. I have 2+ years of nursing experience now and recently cut back hours at work and started to going back to school for non nursing master's degree (not even health care related). One of few good things of nursing is that many nursing jobs can be flexible in regard to time. I am actually really feeling good with my balanced life of work and school. I work in the OR, and it's a physically demanding job. I don't think I can do this job forever. I don't wanna be not prepared for my future. Once I get my master's degree, I will leave nursing and health care for good.

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@not.done.yet

Yes...I should see someone, but with all the classes, homework (my work assigns), and my work days. I don't have the time nor energy to go... :(

I'll do something about it, thank you

(sorry tried to reply to your post and my phone did this instead)

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You are saying that being a nurse was your family's dream. Then what YOU wanted to be? You don't have to tell me, but why don't you cut back hours at work and start doing for what you really wanted to be?

I didn't like nursing when I was a nursing student already. I didn't quit nursing school just because it was competitive to get in and I worked hard. I have 2+ years of nursing experience now and recently cut back hours at work and started to going back to school for non nursing master's degree (not even health care related). One of few good things of nursing is that many nursing jobs can be flexible in regard to time. I am actually really feeling good with my balanced life of work and school. I work in the OR, and it's a physically demanding job. I don't think I can do this job forever. I don't wanna be not prepared for my future. Once I get my master's degree, I will leave nursing and health care for good.

The thing is I have no hobbies or passions anymore. So I feel lost and aimless. I know nursing is NOT my thing. I'm kind of in the same place as you, in school I didn't like it but stuck it out thinking "it'll get better/be okay" when it didn't. I'm going to go back to school but I don't know for what :/

Thank you though for replying and giving me advice. Appreciate it

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Specializes in Critical Care; Cardiac; Professional Development.

I am very concerned about you BT. Please do your best to find the energy to get some help. I know it is hard. Find someone you can confess this to so that they can help you, whether that be a close friend, a trusted family member, a member of clergy etc. You matter and you don't deserve to feel this way.

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@not.done.yet

Yes...I should see someone, but with all the classes, homework (my work assigns), and my work days. I don't have the time nor energy to go... :(

I'll do something about it, thank you

(sorry tried to reply to your post and my phone did this instead)

What I'm hearing is that you are overwhelmed and it might be clouding your judgement about the nursing profession. CVICU is an insanely intense unit to start out in as a new nurse. If I were in your shoes, I would do something to help process and relieve the stress: yoga, running, meditation, massage, counseling. If that doesn't work, I would seriously consider looking for another job (of course, I wouldn't quit unit you have found something). I'm thinking that you really do want to be a nurse but you are so stressed right now that you have convinced yourself otherwise. No one goes through the torture of nursing school without some kind of passion for patient care. Maybe CVICU is just not a good fit. There are just so many options in nursing. Good luck...keep us posted on how you are doing.

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