Feedback on a statement of purpose?

lots of verbiage, but it is sound. Good luck!!!

I agree, very word-y. Have you counted your words? The content is good and does tell about you as a person and nurse, however.

Cut some sentences into more than one sentence. Sometimes your sentences are too long. Also, there are places where commas would be helpful for the reader. Finally, two grammatical errors I noticed: use of the use of the word "a" before a word that started with a vowel--this should be "an", and...I believe Aunt should be capitalized since it's part of a person's name as used in your essay. I know I'm picky. I'm used to grading papers written in APA format. If your school uses that format, someone who might read your essay might see these things too.

I enjoy your last sentence. Keep in mind that a paragraph should have at least 3 sentences though.

Good luck! Let us know how it goes.

Its 487 words long. Thank you guys for the feedback! I'm going to go back and look for that a that should be an an, capitalize Aunt, and I will try to make the last paragraph three sentences and maybe break up some of the sentences that are run-ons. I really appreciate this feedback very much, and if anything else comes up, say so! Maybe I will re-read a few times and try to see if I can make it less wordy. Again, thank you for taking the time to read this and more feedback negative or positive is very welcomed.

Here is a version my friend edited, which do you guys like better. Impressions? I know I'm being a feedback hog here, but I do appreciate anyone that takes the time to chime in with an opinion or any sort of feedback. I am very green at this. I have been trying to decide between going to nursing or dental school, and have spent years doing the pre-requisites for BOTH! Now its time to put all of it into action. Still vacillating between both great careers, but nursing just feels right somehow. Thanks again folks and happy new year. Any and all comments appreciated!

Envisioning my path as an acute care specialist, I see myself honing my proven instinct to respond decisively in an emergency and cultivating the careful monitoring, observation, communication and documentation of a sharp clinician. The psychological, social, and physiological aspects of the profession offer the potential for me to use my life experiences to serve as a caregiver in an intimate fashion. Volunteer work has given me experience with terminal patients; dealing with psychosocial issues of various populations, and I want to bring this knowledge to the critical care arena. Having helped care two times for the potentially mortally wounded in an emergency roadside situation and personally witnessing several patients during their last days, I know the call of this work for me is powerful. It’s in my heart to become skilled at and practice this vocation.

My plans are to continue my education, build a practice and career that is an asset to a team, and pour rigorous effort into providing clinically sophisticated and psychosocially connected care. Technical knowledge of evidence- based practice, will drive my efforts; while my style of care is hands-on. One of my primary goals is to work in an acute unit at San Francisco General Hospital or UCSF as they are great facilities with many opportunities to serve patients while offering the opportunity to learn. Once more experience is gained, I desire to participate in international medical relief teams as a flexible, steely nurse and to travel to rural hospitals in northern California as needed. A graduate degree from SF State would support me to position myself in attaining these goals.

Dying women and men and their families have taught me much. These experiences have been an enormous gift; involving me in the practice of respect, humility, keen perception, compassion and the healing power of human witness. During the time my aunt Blanche discovered she was dying of pancreatic cancer, I spoke with her and asked and listened with a special depth. The significance of this shared time for her was immeasurable; as not many were engaging her, a terminal patient. Aunt Blanche was a courageous woman, a physician who was known for making house calls to her patients. She told me that there were two special people in the world, teachers and nurses, and she greatly encouraged me in my current pursuit. Even in her suffering, it was a blessing, she said, that we shared a sacred time of consciousness as she was dying. I am thankful for hospice training in helping me to learn the art of being present in the journey of others as they face death with dignity.

I have joyously cultivated a deep and personal ritual of service and volunteerism throughout my life; my passion and inspirations being lifelong learning, integrity, my memories and determination to persevere within the profession. When I think of living life and leaving life, I desire for my legacy to be that of a nurse.

ok. this is prob too wordy. I get it, good start... lots of editing being done. Well over a hundred views and two responses to this... must be something cringe worthy about how wordy it is, I'm guessing. I'm doing surgery on it now.

The second version is much better. However, yes, it is a bit wordy. Good luck with the editing.

Happy New Year.

Statement of goals. To assist with our selection process, please write a goal statement which addresses the following: Describe the program of study you are interested in as it relates to your career goals. Clearly outline interest in advanced practice nursing and explain why you are seeking a graduate nursing degree from SF State. Highlight your professional goals and how you anticipate this program will assist you in attaining them. What contributions do you see yourself adding to the field of nursing? What special attributes will you bring to the nursing profession? Limit your statement HOW ABOUT THIS? BETTER?

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

I am interested in becoming an acute care specialist. I see myself honing my proven instinct to respond decisively in an emergency and cultivating the careful monitoring, observation, communication and documentation of a regardful clinician. I am keenly interested in the physiological, psychological, and socio-cultural aspects of nursing and feel driven to use my life experiences wisely as an acute care nurse. As my volunteer work has been with terminal patients and dealing with psychosocial issues of various populations, I want to bring this experience to the critical care arena. Having helped care for the critically wounded in a roadside emergency and closely witnessing several dying patients over the years, I know the appeal of this for me. It’s in my heart to learn this profession.

I want to continue my education, in order to build a practice and career that is an asset to a team. I thrive on technical knowledge of evidence- based practice, and I am a very hands-on guy. My goal is to work in an acute care unit at San Francisco General Hospital or UCSF as they are renowned facilities with opportunities to learn while serving high- acuity patients. After gaining experience in acute care nursing, I want to continue while participating in international medical relief teams. I also want to work in rural hospitals in northern California where there is need. I am interested in participating in nursing research and definitely envision teaching when my education is advanced and useful to share with the next generation. A graduate degree from SF State would support me in positioning myself to reach these goals and become a culturally competent, socially aware nurse, constantly training, practicing, and rehearsing the roles of critical thinker and patient advocate while experiencing the diversity of the SFSU student body and the city I call home.

As my Aunt Blanche discovered she was dying of pancreatic cancer, I knew how to talk with her and ask and listen to her with a special depth. I felt that it was important for her to have this time we shared because not everyone was comfortable participating in an engaging conversation with her about her end of life. Even as she suffered, she would say it was a blessing that we shared sacred, very aware time together. I am simply thankful for hospice for teaching me to be fully present in others’ journeys and with the skill to execute the tasks which support patients’ participation in life and death with dignity.

Dying women, men and their families have taught me much. Time spent with my patients has intimately connected me with respect, humility, keen perception, compassion and to the power of witness. Aunt Blanche, a physician known for making house calls, my most cherished mentor, often told me, “There are two special people in the world, ya habibi, teachers and nurses.” She tirelessly championed me in pursuing my nursing career.

In my life I have gladly cultivated and ingrained in myself rituals of service and volunteerism. I bring this, my passion for lifelong learning, my integrity, my spirit, my precision, and my dogged determination to practice this challenging profession with the singular respect it deserves. When I think of living life and leaving life, I want my legacy to be that of a nurse.

The second version is much better! One thing I think is missing, however is HOW will the school you've chosen fit your goals. Have you checked into that? A short statement of what it offers that would help you might be included. For instance, does it have specialization in anything you've mentioned as your desires or strong-suits?