Feedback on Personal Statement (First Draft)

[fcasteele10]

I am applying to a Second Degree BSN for the Fall 2013 semester and I want to start on my personal statement so I will have plenty of time to revise if I have to.....

Second Degree BSN Personal Statement

I was young when I was left to babysit my 8 month old cousin whom badly injured herself and my first reaction was to get her help. As I accompanied her to the ER I was told by the paramedics that I did good and handled myself very well in that situation being that I was only 13 years old. Of course I was scared and in shock after I realized what happened. However, my quick actions and calmness during that intense moment is part of the reason I feel I can work in the field of nursing. I am very compassionate when it comes to helping people. My habit of helping others even when I do not want to has been an attribute of mine ever since I can remember. However, nursing did not become an interest until recently.

I never worked in a healthcare facility. However, I do remember volunteering for a home health agency that my sister works for one summer during my undergraduate studies. Helping her clients by accompanying them to the restroom, keeping them company on days they felt up to it, and also just being a listener when they needed someone to talk to. I enjoyed that experience because I was making their day a better one. Even though this one lady seemed like I could never do anything right, she always asked for me. That is the feeling I loved to get. Nursing is much more intense than that I am sure; it is a career where the most important goal is providing care to the patient, including both physical and emotional support. Aside from being challenging and demanding, nursing has its rewards. I have experienced certain challenges that made me who I am today.

Getting this far did not come easy. Yes, I could have done more however circumstances outweighed the obvious. Academically, I could have done much better. Holding a part time job, raising a son, and putting myself through school became a hard pill to swallow but I made it work.

My interest in nursing is to work with women and children. I certainly would pursue Neonatal care in the future once I have gotten sufficient amount of training and experience, however, working with children that have complex care needs is a great start. I have volunteered at a children's hospital with young girl/boys and babies that were sick. It just touched me how I was able to make them feel better by playing a game or drawing a picture to hang on the wall. I was even allowed to watch movies with them in their room or read them a book. Being a part of the Pre-Health Society club in school allowed me to participate in community walks to support cancer causes, and sickle-cell anemia. I may not have all the skills to be a nurse but I have the ground work to become a great one. I will work hard to pursue this goal, my kids future depends on it.

I know its not perfect but I had to start somewhere....!!!!!

[smoup]

I would focus more on the positives and not so much the setbacks, UNLESS you are going to explain how those setbacks are going to help you in nursing. For example, regarding juggling family life, school, work, etc. you could say that you have developed great time management that would assist you in making the transition to nursing easier.

Right now it seems like a lot of reasons why you're not prepared for nursing. Try to sound a little more positive and talk about why you ARE prepared and how those hurdles will help you in the long run.

[BloomNurseRN, ASN, BSN, RN]

I totally agree with smoup. One example is your sentence "I never worked in a healthcare facility." One way to write that in a more positive way is something like "While I have not worked in a healthcare facility, I did volunteer for a home health agency during my undergraduate studies." This is similar but makes it less negative, as well as gets rid of information that does NOT need to be there.

Little details like "that my sister works for one summer" and "Academically, I could have done much better" are unnecessary. Yes, you may have wanted to do better academically, you probably don't want to point that out in your letter, as they will see your transcript I'm assuming.

You say "I have experienced certain challenges that made me who I am today". That feels very out of place and without much to support it. If you want to say that you have experienced challenges you want to give a few small details as to what they were and why they are going to make you a better nursing student.

This just doesn't seem necessary to me: "I may not have all the skills to be a nurse but I have the ground work to become a great one." They already know you don't have the skills to be a nurse, that's why you are going to nursing school. Try to reword it to state something along the lines of "I believe I have a good foundation to build on and become a great nurse".

I'm sorry, I don't mean this to sound all negative. You have a good base to start with and tweak to become an awesome letter. Also, there are some grammar issues that I didn't address. It would be a great idea to have someone read and edit your letter just for grammar and not for content, as that was all I focused on today.

I wish you the very best of luck applying for your program! :-)

[fcasteele10]

Thanks smoup for the feedback. Now that I have read it over myself it does seem very negative.

[fcasteele10]

Bloomgirl118, I really appreciate the points you addressed, I will surely begin tweaking this to sound more positive as I did not pay that any attention.

[NightNerd, MSN, RN]

As the other person said, focus more on your transition into nursing and how you hope to pursue even greater things than you have already done with your career. Your focus on your experiences volunteering is great, but make sure you emphasize that you want to grow and learn from that; nursing is more than watching TV or playing a game with sick children.

Maybe draw more on your motivation that stems from being a mom, e.g., "I know that when my son is sick, I want someone who can comfort him AND make him feel better to take care of him. I am confident from my experiences that I can provide this same sort of care to other families who need it." And so on.

You are a great writer, and I can tell that you really want this! Just focus on the good stuff about the career in your mind, and your essay will follow.

[fcasteele10]

Thanks so much for your critique as well carakristin1. All of these comments are helping me focus more on how I need to make my statement sound better.