Does a personal experience get in the way of the care you provide?

[Onewinglet]

I am looking to anyone who can help answer the one question that has been nagging at me since I made the decision to change careers and pursue nursing... before I can ask, I need to relate a bit of information:

I moved to Kentucky as my father began to get ill in Toledo. My trips back every few weekends saw him slowly deteriorating from cirrhosis of the liver. My sisters and mother bore the brunt of his battle. I had just relocated, started a new full time job and was attending 3 classes at the University of Louisville. I only had the weekends - and a 5 hour drive each way.

I lost my father-in-law in October. I lost my dad exactly 4 weeks later. He was 70.

I went to see him in the hospital - one week after joking with him and making him laugh. He was in so much pain, moaning, crying and was trying to communicate but could really only mouth words and shake his head no. He looked wildly scared out of his mind and unsure who everyone was. This was my first experience with the process of dying and I will never forget it. I was in Kentucky when my father-in-law passed away and telephone conversations with my husband could not relay what he was going through until I experienced it first hand.

The day they were to transfer him from the hospital to a Hospice facility I witnessed the most uncaring, unprofessional nursing care. While the two nurses (one male, one female) slowly and painfully ripped the large adhesive patch off my father's skin while raising his arm at an odd and high angle, they discussed lunch plans and work schedules as my father cried out and flinched and pleaded. They had absolutely no regard for him as a person and I was so offended by that.

Hospice was the total opposite of the spectrum. The love and care he received there was incredible. I am so glad they were there for him at the end. Those nurses inspired me to make the decision I had wanted to make for so long - I am 42 years old and I have changed my major to nursing. I know I can be a better than the those who were cruel when my father need them most and I can only hope to be 1/2 as good as the Hospice nurses.

As I said, I have never been with anyone who was in the last moments of life. He had seizures - his gasping for breath at the end - seeing his heart beat and finally stop - his eyes half open and glazed over - his severe weight loss made him almost unrecognizable. He looked so contorted and awkward and not restfull or at peace. That is what I remember and I flash to it often. Very often.

My question is: Is it possible to work through a personal memory that brings such sadness like that and not flash to it when you are working with a patient in a similar circumstance? I am so excited at the prospect of becoming a nurse but am so afraid that experience will haunt me and impair when I am needed most.

I just need reassurance from anyone who may have had a similar experience. How did you get through it?

Micki

[iHeartNICU]

Hi onewinglet, here's my story. I had a kidney transplant when I was 5 so I grew up being in and out of the hospital. I always knew I wanted to be a nurse and I thought I wanted to work on a transplant floor because of my experiences.....both good and bad. Well, I'm still a nursing student and one of my clinical days I had a patient who was also a kidney transplant patient. I though, great, I will be awesome at this cause I know what it's like, yadda, yadda, yadda. Well, basically I now know I can't work with transplants patients because I found myself just wanting to sit and talk with this woman all day about our experiances rather than being her nurse (or nursing student). Instead we talked about what meds we were on, what treatments we had done, etc, etc. So, in my case, yes my experience got in the way of providing care. I was too preoccupied w/ the fact that we were going through the same things. Not sure if everybody who has a personal experience found it to be like this but that's what happened with me.

So, no more working on the transplant floor for me, I am now in the NICU and plan to work there when I graduate...maybe just volunteer on the transplant floor so I can still be and talk with the transplant patients. Best of luck in whatever you do!

[TazziRN, RN]

You won't know how it will affect you until the opportunity arises. My brother died of a closed head injury in 1989 after being ejected in an accident. He was brought to my ER (I wasn't on duty) and died in our ICU. After he died I was never able to transport another pt to the same bed he was in, and it was several months before I could work the trauma room, but when I had pts with head injuries, I was able to empathize with the families and care for the pt because I imagined it was my brother......I treated my pt the way I knew my brother had been treated.

On the other hand, other nurses who have had personal traumas were never able to work in the field the traumatic experience came from.

[sasha1224]

My thoughts on this; When I was in nursing school, I worked as a nursing asst at a children's hospital. I was working when I get a call from my husband saying that they were bringing my nephew in by lifeflight. I knew this wasn't good. I went to our ER and told them my nephew was coming in. I already knew it wasn't good, but the look they had and an offer of a private room for family cemented that fact. He had arrived and so had the family, I was chosen to verify that it was him. I walked into the scanner to overhear the techs gossiping about him and then a voice telling them to shh "she's his aunt". as soon as I saw the pt in the scanner I knew it was him, and it wasn't good. When I walked back in the room full of relatives, they could tell also. I almost quit then, I was angry and confused that medicine and my hospital couldn't save him. But my mother in law told me that I helped tremendously and I should go on to be a nurse. I did.

Fast forward about a year after I graduated. My husband was burned. i had moved on to a university hospital and this is where he was treated. For the first 24 hours I had to take care of him at home. It was hell. He was in so much pain when I tried to change to dressings. I took him back and he was admitted. Skin grafts, dealing with horrible pain and unemployment, I never looked at pain the same way.

Fast forward about 10 years with a critically ill father who defied all odds, can't even talk about it and a mother who died a terrible death from negligence in a hospital that i felt powerless to fix and I am a different nurse altogether.

So in short, my nephew's death taught me that just being there for family is important. My husbands injury taught me that pain is real and don't discount it/ Everyone displays it differently. My father's illness taught me that even when the docs and other medical persons say there is no hope, there can be a miraculous event. One can't even tell to this day that he was ever sick. And my mother, her death taught me that medicine is not all-knowing, that there are medical people who only look at this as a job, that family and/or nurses need to advocate. To this day, i have a hard time with certain diagnoses and also dealing with death. For me, I do not work in areas that I would encounter the above and for now that works. Maybe in the future i can. I only hope that these experiences would help.

[DDRN4me]

I find t hat in my case it is the contrary. I find that the knowledge i have as a nurse helps me with medical issues in the family; and vice versa. My dd has had multiple orthopedic surgeries including a hip replacement. I know that any case I get there are certain things I instinctually look for; and thats not from learning in a book.

My dad was an alcoholic who eventually died of cardiac illness. since i was his primary caregiver i can spot s/s of decomp faster than some others because I have seen the early signs. It did take me a while before I could deal with those that had etoh issues. but i could also understand some of the family dynamics that go along with the disease .

When there is illness or injury in our family I am able to draw on my past experience to help...and believe me t hat comes in handy especially in todays healthcare system .

[locolorenzo22, BSN, RN]

I wasn't there for my Grandfather's death, and I'm thankful in a way....I didn't want my last memories of him to be in a facility, talking out of his mind, and unsure of who I was and what we had........I would have not minded being there, but I was in school and out of state at the time....

I would rather my memories be of him and I working on the farm, talking over a tractor, putting things together and never having to wonder how to pass the time....

I give care to people everyday, and NEVER try to convey the attitude of "You're not important to me." Every one of my patients is my priority for the 12 hours I work.....even if you're difficult, you're the crazy one.....etc. I never tire of hearing patients say "You were such a great person, and I feel fine with you looking in on me...." "I slept fine, cause I knew you'd be back to make sure I was doing ok...." Reflects on me more than a paycheck....

Never let others dictate the care you give.....give the best you can everyday and go from there.....

[greene]

I think we can all, as nurses, relate to this. I have sat at the bedside of many patients as they passed from this life. Some go peacefully, some do not. As a nurse you can use those experiences to better yourself to help each patient. Your goal is to make sure the patients needs are taken care of.

Use this experience to reflect on and you will become the kind of nurse you are aspiring to be.

Keep all these things in your heart and you will be a success.

Blessings to you!!

[chewchabuckala]

Bless your heart! Compassion is not something easily taught. Like your personality, I believe, it's in you or it's not. My feeling is you will become even more compassionate than you already are once additional knowledge from other nurses, or nurse educators will point out.

I just came out of the hospital last week. Absolutely will never go back unless I have no options. My treatment, I believe, was worse because they were aware I had been a nurse. Instead of showing their best side as far as patient care, pain management, and advocacy, I took alot of abuse from MD's and nurses with all kinds of education.......well, the ones who had their names showing on their name tags. I am always curious of those that turn them around, the patient is going to find out who you are if your patient care etc. is in question just by requesting their records.

Life is a journey, and you are going to see and feel all kinds of emotions. BUT, a good nurse is a compassionate person, treats patients like they would their own mother, (you can only hope they loved their mother and father!)or father, and the emotional rewards will fill your life with the things you'll tap into when and if a tough situation should arise.

I can not let go of what happened to me. I'm working on it, but I just can't get it out of my head, or seem to get over it. Saw another doctor last week, (specialist appt already made) wants me to go on anti-anxiety meds, at least for awhile, until I can work through what I went through.

Anyway, sorry, got off track. You'll do fine. Good luck in your career!

Chewchabuckala

[traumamomtx]

Not that mine relates to a personal experience really, but I have a very difficult time taking care of teenagers. I have 2 of my own and the thought of anything going wrong really concerns me and I feel so uncomfortable to care for them. I usually trade someone's worse patient just to swap out the teenager; even if the teenager is the best patient on the floor I don't want them.

[blackIrish]

I find that my traumatic experiences have helped me provide better care. For the most part. I can empathize better (IMO) with the families. I've seen most of my immediate family in the hospital. (mom, dad, both brothers, husband and children) Uh, let me change that to ALL immediate family members. I was an PICU patient for a month.

That being said, walking into a NICU will send me right into a panic attack. And we ended up having a good outcome.

I guess it just kind of depends. Your bad experience could fuel a passion for better patient care.