Does your parents think you will take care of them?

SusanKathleen, RN · Aug 11, 2007

No, you are not cold-hearted, but your anger is very evident. I am guessing that what she wants from you is your expertise - she's probably very proud of your accomplishments. I am also guessing that neither of your parents expect you to quit your job and give up your life to offer 24-hour care, nor should you. That wouldn't be reasonable. What you CAN do when the time comes, is help make arrangements for them. You could find good home health care workers. You could help set up a schedule for all of your sisters and yourself to help out when you are all able.

I personally have done this kind of work for several members of my family, including my mother, who is an extremely difficult-to-love person. I understand your feelings. If you find some resolution to your anger with her, you will find a peace of mind that will make your own life very much happier.

One more note: I too, put myself through school - every penny - after my parents helped out all the boys (4 of them) in my family, but not me. Their reasoning was that since I was a girl, I didn't need to go to college - some man would come along and take care of me. I am not kidding you. But, I came to realize that I would not be the strong person I am today if they hadn't behaved the way they did toward me. I know that my parents did the best they could, (even though it wasn't very good!)I have learned a lot about unconditional love from them - and THAT is all good.

I wish you the best, Sweetie. I hope you can find a way to feel better about this, but if you can't, don't beat yourself up. I think that if you decide to offer your parents whatever help you can, you will never regret it.

morningstarRN, RN · Aug 11, 2007

I don't think you are cold hearted. I think it is better to look at your own situation and be strong enough to make the correct descisions, even if they are hard to face. I can see how you would not want to give up your job after putting in all the work.

I have a bit of the same situation. I am thinking of working outside the home part-time and having someone else stay with my mother during those times. This would allow me to continue working as a nurse in a setting I choose, but also allow me to help with my mother as well.

In the end each person needs to stay true to what works for them. If you were to stay home and take care of your mother full time it sounds like you would be very unhappy and it wouldn't be a pleasent experience for either of you. You are very strong to face that fact. I wish you and your mother well. MS is a difficult diagnosis for the patient as well as the family of the paitent.

Take care,

Sara

llg, PhD, RN · Aug 11, 2007

I don't think you are being cold-hearted at all. You are being reasonable.

My suggestion would be to follow-up on her hints by asking her what her plans are for long-term care if and when she needs it. "Gee, Mom, you sound like you are thinking a lot about your possible needs in the future. Have you looked into your different options? What are your plans?"

As another poster said, offer to help her explore her options and use your nursing expertise to evaluate those options ... but don't be afraid to remind her gently that you will need a full time job to support yourself and pay your bills. You won't be in her home 24/7 to take care of her and she will need to arrange for services etc. that she may need.

If you do it little by little and don't drop a big "NO WAY" on her all at once, she may start to develop realistic expectations and begin to think about the future in a realistic way ... and make some realistic plans.

SuesquatchRN, BSN, RN · Aug 11, 2007

It sounds as if there's enough family around that she could stay at home until the end, and maybe, as a nurse, you would be willing to oversee and coordinate and lend a hand here and there.

I understand your anger, but I can tell you that I work in LTC and even the best places aren't places that anyone in my family will ever go. We'll get all the help from hospice and home health adies that we can. And I think that's your mother's fear - that she'll be in a nursing home.

Good luck.

JBGC4 · Aug 11, 2007

Wow, I have responses to all of you, lol. So, instead of pointing each one of you out, I will just make a broad statement.

My mother too, is very hard to love, and has a problem loving others. She and I have never shared a relationship. It has become this way with her and all my sisters.

My sisters and I have never had educational support from either one of our parents. They were never ones to check homework, go to parent-teacher conferences, or care about the grades on the report card. They are very blue-collar, old fashioned, you get the pic. My dad still thinks I should stay home w/ the kids. Since I started going back to school, my mother has never asked me how it was going. What angers me about this is that my education only seems to be an interest to her if it benefits her.

Going to a Nursing home is my mothers worst fear. It is not a place where any of us want our mother to go. Period. Where I stand on her home health care is that my mother has primary progressive MS, which means, she will never go into remission. She will continue to get worse and it could come over her rapidly. We hate to sound so negative, but we do not forsee her walking much longer. Our family fears it will be in a few years. Not only will I just be starting my nursing career, I will have a 5 yo and a 3yo at home to tend to.

Ugh, I don't know, I feel like I am starting to ramble, lol.

You all have given me some really good insight and ideas. We discuss this issue quite often as we see our mother getting more fragile as time goes by. Next time it comes up, I will suggest these ideas. And thank you for making me feel like I am not self-fish or cold-hearted. This has been eating at me for months now.

SuesquatchRN, BSN, RN · Aug 11, 2007

Your folks are still fairly young. If your dad is strong, a wheelchair-bound wife isn't too much of a problem. You can rent Hoyer lifts and, basically, when your mom becomes bed-bound and incontinent she'll need someone to turn her Q2H, provide Foley care, and keep her clean.

I've known people to care for MS patients at home. You dad can do it with help from his daughters and sisters-in-law - trade off on each bringing a meal a day, spell him so he can get out for the day, spell him so he can food shop, you can teach everyone how to do peri care and bed baths and everyone can trade off on that. And don't discount help from hospice and home health.

She can be kept at home IF everyone can pull together.

JBGC4, I still have anger towards my mother. She's neurotic and, frankly, she never wanted me. She had to get married - which she didn't want - young because she was pregnant with me. And then I had the nerve to be a girl and look like my father's side. She loves me, but I never was and never will be the golden child even though I'm the one who helps when someone is needed.

Treat her well even if she is difficult. You will have to live with your decisions for the rest of your life, and live with decisions made from love and forgiveness, not resentment at her many and real shortcomings. In other words, be the bigger person.

I hope this helped. I'm not trying to lecture, I'm just at an age where my own mortality is more real than it was, and working in LTC, I really would do anything to keep a loved one - even a PITA - out of it.

coolpeach · Aug 11, 2007

I have thought about this too. My father has never taken care of himself (smoking/drinking/very overweight), and I don't think he will live to be really elderly. He has had one heart attack already, and had went from 280 to 350 since then.

My mom on the other hand is very dependent on my dad. She can not pay her bills, remember to lock her doors or other wise manage without him telling her what to do. I have talked to her about this. I one point I advised her to get credit in her name so if something happened to him she would at least have that. She then set forth applying for credit cards which she hid from him and ran up thousands of $ in debt. At one point she actually took a loan to pay the credit cards lol. All of this hidden. She has type 2 diabetes, and is a bit of a hypochondriac. If I came in and said I had mambu manbu fever she would have all the symptoms by next week. She had a major auto accident every couple of years. And she usually has a big bad boo boo type thing once a year. Last year she step wrong off a curb and hurt her arm. This summer she twisted her leg while walking across the yard. She is only 52 years old. If she so much as stumps her toe its a really giant deal. The first thing to go is her ability to drive. This means you must take her for a all day grocery shopping marathon on Sunday's, and to the store for stuff she forgot every single day throughout the week. At the same time she is saying she is too injured to drive or do something she doesn't want to do she will be on her hands and knees cleaning the kitchen floor or lifting boxes over her head in the garage. It's insane. She is very needy, and loves attention. I don't want to even think about what will happen when dad is no longer here, or she really is old.

The more I think about it travel nursing is looking sooo good. In my travels you never know I may find another state across the country that I want to settle into.

JBGC4 · Aug 11, 2007

Well again, I wanted to thank all of you.

Suesquash, your right. I think about the regrets I will have if I am not the bigger person in the relationship.

Coolpeach-LOL, I think there is something about people getting older and then all they have to do is create/discuss ailments. My parents are in their sixties and talking to them can be quite entertaining at points. Someone always has something, although my dad isn't one to complain, and they talk about it but never do anything about it.lol

llg, PhD, RN · Aug 11, 2007

Not all LTC facilities are horrible places. There are some good ones out there. But if you wait until you really need one to start looking for one, then you will end up with whatever you can arrange at the last minute -- probably NOT the best one available.

My family is lucky to have a very nice retirement community in our home town. My grandparents and my mother all died there. (My father died in ICU and never made it to LTC.) Just last night, my stepfather was transferred to their sub-acute unit after being in the hospital recently for pneumonia. We expect him to be discharged to his home in the retirement community in a few days.

Someday, when I am in need, I expect to live (and probably die) there.

One of my friends just placed her father in the Alzheimer's unit of a facility in her home town. It's probably not paradise, but it can provide the 24-hour care he needs and she is satisfied with it.

Don't rule anything out. Your mother may be able to live at home for a long time with community services. But either way -- your family needs to actually investigate the possibilities. My family lives in a small town and there aren't a lot of home services available. But there are a couple of good LTC's available -- run by local churh groups. Other communities may have great home health services, but not very LTC's. I don't know what's in your town -- but your family needs to find out ahead of time and not wait until the last minute.

SuesquatchRN, BSN, RN · Aug 11, 2007

Coolpeach, I've had your mom as a resident.

JBGC4, no problem. I'm just glad you didn't think I was nagging. It's easy for me - I'm my mother's daughter. Now, there's a scary true thing!

Tweety, BSN, RN · Aug 11, 2007

Taking care of aging parents is a tough responsibility for children. Usually there is one in the family that does most of the caregiving, usually it's a daughter or daughter in law.

My parents named me their health care surrogate a couple of years ago, precisely because I'm the nurse in the family. They broke their backs for many years raising us kids with unflinching love and sacrifice, I'm not going to turn my back as they age.

I do know that my sister who is actually closer to my parents than me from having lived near them her whole life is expecting to share in the caretaking and decision making responsibilities.

If they become invalid, there is no way I could practically take care of them on my own at this point while I'm still working. They would have to go to a nursing home. If they just needed some assistance with meds, housekeeping, driving, etc. I'm there.

I'm just going to take it as it comes.

You should make it known to your siblings that while you may be the nurse, you're going to expect some help. Or let them know flat our you're not going to be involved whatsoever.