Do I even want to be a nurse anymore???

[pamalamadingdong, ASN, RN]

I'm going to try to keep this as short as possible ... but it may be pretty long, I apologize!!

I have been a nurse for for a little over a year and a half.  The "dream job" since before I even started nursing school has always been NICU/PICU.  That wasn't an option when I first graduated so I started on Med/surg turned COVID floor on nights, and the first year working there was pretty great, I made a ton of friends and it really felt like we were all in it together.

Then slowly everybody left for better opportunities, including myself.  I transferred to our CCU in July of this year and only lasted 3 months, did not even make it off orientation.  It was so so hard and my biggest struggle was truly feeling dumb.  I didn't know anything and don't think I was fully prepared for what I was getting myself into.  I could go on and on about why I had to leave but ultimately I was faced with either finishing out the last 4 weeks of orientation and if I continued to not do well I would be fired, or return to Med/surg.  So I chose the latter option and here I am back on Med/surg, nights, every other weekend (fri/sat/sun).

I can't get over feeling like a failure and I am desperate to get a new job but also so scared about failing that one as well.  I feel like I have no drive to learn anymore and my NICU dream feels totally out of reach.  If I couldn't handle adults, how could I ever work with babies?  And would I even enjoy it??

I've been on a job search for awhile now, exclusively applying to outpatient day shift positions.  My biggest concern is work/life balance.  My schedule on nights sucks and I want out asap.  I am currently waiting on a pain management/surgery center position to call, and even though I have apprehensions I know I would take it if they do offer it to me. 

But in reality I just don't know what I want to do.  Most of the times I don't even want to be a nurse anymore.  Most of my life I wanted to be a teacher until I got to college, but I still think about teaching a lot but can't imagine going back to college.  I think I would love being a school nurse but there are few opportunities for that around here.  I do also think about L&D and PP but not sure if I'd be cut out for that either, or be able to find a day shift position because I can't do nights any more.  Half the time I wish I could just work in a day care or something relatively easy, but ofc I'm accustomed to my salary now.

Any advice ICU/NICU/L&D/PP/outpatient nurses, or really anyone??

[ThePrincessBride, MSN, RN, NP]

NICU RN here.

So, it seems like there are multiple issues going on: First you don't like/want night shift. Understandable. Then there is the issue of feeling like a failure/dumb...which you are not. CCU (is this cardiac care unit or critical care unit?) may not have been a good fit for you, but that doesn't mean anything...CCU is a sliver of nursing. 

Then you say you want day shift outpatient with great work-life balance but also want to try your hand in NICU. Now, I know some places may hire straight into day shift, but usually hire into nights. I had to work NICU nights for 15 months before getting day shift...and I felt lucky to get it that quickly.

You may luck out and walk into a day shift NICU position, but if not, you will have to ask yourself what is more important: your schedule or your specialty. Only you can decide for yourself. In the mean time, be kind to yourself. You are working in an ***-kicking specialty working harsh hours...something many nurses couldn't hack.

[brandy1017, ASN, RN]

Do you know what went wrong with the CCU job?  Problems with your preceptor or feeling overwhelmed or too fast paced?  I just don't think now is a good time to transfer to ICU because of crisis conditions and short staffing your orientation would probably be rushed, short and trial by fire in many places.  The fact that they gave you the option of transferring right now to med/surg or face being fired if you weren't up to snuff in four weeks tells me you are working for a crappy hospital.  Wow!  How dare they!  Who do they think they are!  Then they wonder why they can't keep staff!     

In my experience when a person transfers to ICU and it doesn't seem like a good fit, they allow the nurse to transfer to a lower acuity like tele or med/surg.  It is disgusting that they didn't treat you with the respect you deserved, but they are doing you a favor by showing you who they really are and they are not worthy of you!  You deserve better!  Stop putting yourself down.  I bet you didn't get a good orientation in the first place. 

.I would suggest a clinic or outpatient job or an L&D/OB job before I would even think about NICU.  But that's just me.  I would want to slowly get my feet warmed and get used to taking care of stable moms and babies before attempting NICU.

[pinkdoves, BSN]

I work in the NICU and trust me, I want to quit so badly. I don't want to quit because of the NICU, but because of nursing. If you do not like bedside nursing, the problems will not go away just because you're working your dream specialty. The same problems follow you everywhere.

[pamalamadingdong, ASN, RN]

I appreciate everyone's response - it has given me a lot to think about!  I do realize I don't think NICU is for me, at least not at this point in my life.  I am continuing my job search for a better schedule.