Depression r/t nursing school AEB becoming someone I don't recognize

crossfitnurse · May 17, 2013

To ALL OF YOU - this sounds lame... But consider yourself REAL nurses now. Why? Because when you encounter a patient that is depressed or having some kind of issues similar you can now relate with them and REALLY become their advocate. That is gonna make a huge difference in someone's life when you hold their hand and say "hey... I know what that's like... Lets see how we can get through this."

This studying and book sh*t sucks, but it's not about that in the real world. 2 or 4 years is nothing to what you guys have ahead of you and the great things you will do daily.

Keep your head up, all of you. You were picked out of many for this spot and this role. What a great thing to be "picked" for your accomplishments. *hugs* all around.

You're going to change someone's life one day.

spaghetina · Oct 24, 2014

I feel bad about resurrecting an old post, but I didn't want to start a new one whining about how depressed I am right now, in a forum where depression comes up so often.

I feel exactly like gingah828. I'm coming to the end of my 5-week psych rotation, and I haven't been this depressed since I was a hormonal, suicidal, angst-filled teenager. If there's anything nursing school has taught me, it is that I DO NOT want to be a psych nurse.

This depression started several weeks before school began, and has gotten increasingly worse as this rotation has worn on. I see so much of myself in my patients that at the end of the day, I come home and can't do anything for 15 or 20 minutes because I'm just so sad that I cry and cry. For them, for me, for... everything. My motivation is in the toilet. I've literally spent the entire day thinking about doing all the work I have piling up, agonizing over the fact that there is so much to do, and I've put in about 5 minutes of actual work. I could have worried for 10 hours less if I'd just gotten it all done first, and intellectually, I know that, but physically and mentally, I cannot get my body to do it. I'm cranky and irritable all the time, and it's beginning to affect my relationship with my fiance. Knowing what I now know about psychiatric d/o and mental health, you would think I'd be trying to get some professional help right about now, but I'm not. I hate the idea of having to take medication on any sort of long-term basis - which is not just r/t psychiatric meds, but meds in general.

I honestly and truly hate the way that living my life feels right now. I find myself wishing for numbness because that's preferable to feeling negative, sad, overwhelmed, frustrated, and like I'm going to snap all the time. I don't know what to do. Or rather, I know what to do, and cannot get myself to do it. Quitting school is not an option, but I feel like it's killing me from the inside out. It sounds so dramatic, but it's really not hyperbole.

I keep reading that this is just how it goes. That a lot of nursing students end up on anti-depressants. That it's normal to feel emotionally beaten down and useless. Though I would never want anyone else to feel this way, I guess it's good to know that I'm not alone in feeling like nursing school has completely sucked the heart and soul out of my body.

brown eyed girl · Nov 27, 2014

I think depression during NS is normal. Along with anxiety. It's the nature of the beast. It's affecting me as well. I have mentioned a lot on this board that a lot of days I feel, "dead inside" just going through the motions to get it done. In clinical whenever my instructor says, "when you're the nurse..." I mentally correct them with an "if," because I have to take this on a day to day basis. Everytime a poster that is so excited that they got in makes a post, I just want to tell them that they have no idea what kind of academic hell they are in for, and that nursing school owns you for however many years you are there, but then I remember how excited I was when I got that letter and it seems like a lifetime ago. Try to hang in there though. Good nutrition, sleep (haha, when?!), and support. I think it's true what someone above said: it will make you more depressed to quit.
ETA: Up until last week, I studied all day everyday, as I was TERRIFIED to ever let my books leave my side or I would fail because the info would leak out of my brain if I wasn't looking at it constantly. Well this caused me to have mini-breakdown last week, so last weekend I made a deal with myself to study quietly at least 2 hours a day, get my work done, and then the rest of the day is for ME. My grades for the next test actually went UP, not down like I had previously feared. If you don't have me time, make it!

This is how I feel with my studying. Something has got to give.

spaghetina · Aug 6, 2015

I'm replying to my own post, just in case anyone else ever comes across it, and feels the same way I was feeling.

I've now finished my second year of nursing school, and I made it through. It was a rough ride, and easily one of the hardest times in my life (and I'm not young, so I've had plenty of pretty crappy life experiences), but sticking it out was worth it. There were days - weeks even - where suicide felt preferable to the seeming endlessness of school or, worse, dealing with the emotional aftermath of quitting school altogether. It sounds insane and dramatic to say that, but it's true. Nursing school has a unique way of breaking you all the way down, and it's something that very few people outside of this profession understand. It can be an isolating, lonely, depressing experience, made worse if the stress of school has also affected your personal relationships, which it has a tendency to do.

I guess my point is that if you want it badly enough, you can do it, even when you feel like you can't. Even if you procrastinate for 10 hours, just to force yourself into doing 5 minutes of work. Even if you're crying every day, and you're in serious talks about ending an engagement because you don't have any time, energy, or emotion left to maintain a relationship. I have no tips other than to push through. Take it day by day, put the blinders on, and move forward. You can do it. You can do it.