Dealing with a patient's suicide.

[Blue Roses]

It's been a few weeks since this happened. I came in a patient's room in the morning to pass meds and found him cool and blue.. With a phone charger cord wrapped around his throat. The code team came ran the code blue but we never got a pulse back. This kind of thing almost never happens on our unit. Suicides, I mean. Codes happen periodically. We're a post acute med surg floor with a focus on rehab.

I really thought I was alright, but I'm not so sure now. Obviously I had the shock, sadness, and anger immediately afterwards, but lately I've felt listless and blank. I keep reliving the sights, sounds, smells, etc of the experience. Not vividly like PTSD though. More like a creeping memory in the back of my head. And then last night I dreamt that my younger brother committed suicide by hanging.

Has anyone out there had an experience similar to this, and if so, how did you cope with it? I feel silly because it seems kind of wimpy to be feeling this way. I'm a sensitive person but I really thought I had this handled. My employer provided a debriefing and I've been to one EAP appointment since it happened.

My brain seems to focus on the sight of the black cord around his neck, the feel of the raw yell in my throat for someone to bring scissors, and the sensation of his clammy skin as I cut the cord away. Things like that. Sensations. Snapshots of moments that left an after-image imprinted on my brain, like the flash of a camera.

I didn't know the patient at all. He was a new admit that had just come in the night before.

[VivaLasViejas, ASN, RN]

I am so sorry. There are no words. Just don't look at this as any kind of failure on yours or your team's part. No one had any way of knowing this patient would do such a thing.

I do hope you'll consider speaking to someone outside of work, even if it means finding your own therapist. EAP personnel can vary in their level of competence, and more importantly, you have no way of knowing if your program is one that honors confidentiality. There are a number of stories on AN that are critical of EAPs because somehow a supervisor got wind of a nurse's personal issues and used them against her/him. So at the very least I would recommend you seek the counsel of a qualified mental health professional, because you clearly are still haunted by this unfortunate event and deserve help in putting it behind you.

(((((HUGS)))))

[LadyFree28, BSN, LPN, RN]

Please seek out a mental health professional; I know we are not to give healthcare advice, but I wanted to point out that what you described does sound like PTSD-as someone who has lived with it for 8 years, it is sights, smells, and other portions of the experience that produce anxiety; that's the "reliving" of the experience, along with the other symptoms you describe.

If you need EAP, by all means you can keep going there until you seek outside counseling, and then segue into someone who has experience with people who have PTSD, if they are in the area; there are particular therapists and psychiatrists who specialize in specific therapy used in treating PTSD out there.

Best wishes.

[Blue Roses]

Jeez. You'd think that given the very nature of the EAP program would help prevent gossip like that. That is unsettling. Anyway, thank you for your kind words.

[Blue Roses]

I've seen an outside counselor before; I might go back for more help. It also helps that I am blessed with a fantastic support system at home and trusted friends at work.

[Psychcns]

This is an awful experience. It does sound like PTSD and there are some effective therapies, i.e. EMDR. Continue talking about it with your EAP/ private counselor and friends. Processing an event like this sounds very difficult. Give yourself all the time and support you need. Best wishes.

[Nienna Celebrindal]

Big hugs OP. I'm going through something similar. I went to check on my patient and he had disconnected her IV and injected something into his port. I don't think he intentionally tried to kill himself but he did. I literally watched the life drain out of his eyes and I just can't stop seeing some of the pictures in my head. I don't have any advice but you aren't alone, you can pm me if you want to talk to someone who knows exactly what you are going through.

[Blue Roses]

Big hugs OP. I'm going through something similar. I went to check on my patient and he had disconnected her IV and injected something into his port. I don't think he intentionally tried to kill himself but he did. I literally watched the life drain out of his eyes and I just can't stop seeing some of the pictures in my head. I don't have any advice but you aren't alone, you can pm me if you want to talk to someone who knows exactly what you are going through.

Oh god that's worse than mine.. You actually saw it happen. That's completely terrifying; the thought of watching it and not being able to do anything. Thank you for sharing.. If you ever want to pm me too please feel free.