Confronting a co-worker

[colleennurse, ASN, RN]

Hi all. I am posting this to get some feedback on how I handled a situation. I am a staff RN on a med/surg/tele floor. Recently our unit has experienced a multitude of changes, and as we all know people hate change. Our clinical nurse leader (permanant day charge nurse) took the position to be our nurse manager and another nurse was made the clinical nurse leader. The new CNL is not as helpful and available as old one was. A lot of the nurses are complaining. One nurse in particular who can be very intimidating asked me how I felt about our new CNL. She has already gone to our manager and complained about him. She is a known complainer and I think that our manager does not take her very seriously because she complains about everything. So this nurse asked me if I would go to our manager with her and discuss our complaints. At 1st I said I would and then this nurse told me that she would go into the office with me but wanted me to do the talking. This made me feel very uncomfortable. This is/was to happen tomorrow (Wednesday). Anyway last night I laid in bed half the night thinking about this. So I decided that I would confront the CNL myself before going to our manager because that is what I would want if someone had an issue with me. The problem is that I choke up when I have to confronmt people about things and I have to train with the CNL for the next 2 days to train for charge nurse. So I sent the CNL an email. He is a very easygoing person. In the email I didn't mention anyones names I just stated that people were complaining and that I myself also felt that he is not always available to help out. Part of the concern is that my manager hired 12 new grads to start this summer and we will need his support during and after their orientation. I also stated in the email that I realize he may not be aware that people feel this way and it is only fair to let him know 1st before going to the manager. I don't know what kind of advise I am looking for, maybe just some reassurance that I hopefully handeled this in an adult manner?? Just looking for anyones thoughts! Thanks for letting me vent :)

[megananne7]

I'm an LPN who hasn't started practicing yet but I'm going for my RN and hope to start working early next month... Anyway, during my schooling, we've had multiple questions on exams and such about how to deal with problems with management, co-workers, other staff, etc. Long story short, the answer always is privately talk to the person before you go above their head and possibly get the person in trouble before they realize they've even been doing something "wrong"!.

So, according to my nursing school's way of thinking, you did the right thing. =)

[Halinja, BSN, RN]

That's a toughy. I hate to confront people, too. Scary. This is just me, but I feel that if you are going to approach someone about their behavior, its best to do it in person. That gives the person a chance to defend themselves, or defuse the situation or whatever. I wouldn't want to get something in writing, either on paper or in an email. Now that he's gotten the email, and the subject is broached, could you talk to him?

However, I do think it was the right thing to do to contact him before complaining to higher ups. The fair thing to do now would be see if he adjusts his behavior before taking it further up. Give him a chance.

[colleennurse, ASN, RN]

That's a toughy. I hate to confront people, too. Scary. This is just me, but I feel that if you are going to approach someone about their behavior, its best to do it in person. That gives the person a chance to defend themselves, or defuse the situation or whatever. I wouldn't want to get something in writing, either on paper or in an email. Now that he's gotten the email, and the subject is broached, could you talk to him?

However, I do think it was the right thing to do to contact him before complaining to higher ups. The fair thing to do now would be see if he adjusts his behavior before taking it further up. Give him a chance.

The only reason that I confronted him via email is because I know I will choke up and start crying and I won't say what I wanted to say. I know email is not always a great way to communicate, but it gave me the oppurtunity to think about how to say it. I have such a hard time confronting people and it took a lot of courage on my part ot even hit that sned button. I just felt that someone had to say something to him instead of everyone talking about it behind his back. I may have only been a nurse for a year but I have 12 years of work experience and these situations never end up good if something isn't said. The good thing is that his personality is great and I think and hope he will take it the correct way and I explained in the email why I did it via email. I agree that email and things in writing can come across is many ways depending on how the person reads it. But yes to answer your question now that I said something it will be easier to discuss it. And I also agree that if things do not change I will feel better about going to a higher up person.

[TazziRN, RN]

I'm with you, I do better in writing too. It might actually be better, it gives him a chance to read it without an audience to see his reaction, so if his actions were truly unintentional he can be embarrassed in privacy. If he wants to get angry instead, he can have a tantrum in privacy.

Even if you do have to confront someone face to face, if you have time to plan it, write it down and refer to it when talking to the person. Nothing wrong with that.

[colleennurse, ASN, RN]

Well he respmded back and said Thanks for letting him know. He also said that I should never be afraid to go to him if I need too. I feel better now :)

[SICU Queen]

I do better with the written word as well.

You did the right thing. Adults are adults and should be able to handle information like what you told him. If not, then you could move on up.

Give him a chance to rectify it, and watch that other nurse. She sounds like a backstabbing troublemaker.

[TazziRN, RN]

Oh.....speaking of that other nurse.......if you had gone to the big boss you could have refused her permission to go with you. It's YOUR meeting with YOUR words. She didn't need to be there unless you wanted her there.

[burn out]

Just to play devils advocate you are not confronting a co-worker you are confronting a superior and this I would handle differently. With any management position change there will be different effects on the staff. The best thing you could do as an employee is to support this person in their new role especially since he probably doesn't know all that is expected of him yet. His focus is on trying to learn and perform this new role to the satisfaction of his superiors (which do not happen to be you and the other staff nurses) and at the same time meet the needs that you all have of him. Give him time and support in his time of need and he will be there to support you in your times of need.

[VegRN]

The only reason that I confronted him via email is because I know I will choke up and start crying and I won't say what I wanted to say. I know email is not always a great way to communicate, but it gave me the oppurtunity to think about how to say it. I have such a hard time confronting people and it took a lot of courage on my part ot even hit that sned button. quote]

I know your intentions were good and you wanted to address the situation. On the other hand, e-mail is not a good way to communicate. How will you ever be comfortable confronting people face to face if you don't practice it? However, if e-mail was a big step for you, maybe you can work up to face to face communication with conflict. I strongly suggest you force yourself to become more comfortable with facing conflicts and other difficult situations when necessary. There are going to be times when being firm, direct, self confident and composed under pressure will serve you well. For example when a Dr, pt or coworker is not doing their job, being rude or abusive you need to be able to stand up for yourself and resolve it. Quite honestly, if you are not able to handle conflict, you will get more of it. You teach people how to treat you and if you don't confront the problems they will continue, or more likely, get worse.

I'm not saying it is going to be easy but with time it will get easier and as a bonus your self confidence will increase. You will probably also improve pt care in the process.

And also congrats on taking the step to let this team leader know about how his behavior was affecting everyone. A step that no one else seemed to want to take.

You really should give yourself a pat on the back :)

[jjjoy, LPN]

Credit where credit is due... good job, OP, for taking action! Person-to-person confrontation isn't ALWAYS the best, especially given that we're less than perfect people, working in less than perfect settings with other less than perfect people. With the response you got, I'd imagine you'd now feel more comfortable approaching him in person, am I correct?

The traditional wisdom is to confront in person, or to give bad new, etc. It's good advice, but like all advice, it depends on the situation and the people involved. For example, when breaking up with someone, the advice is to do it "in person." But how many stay in bad relationships too long because they can't get themselves to break the news? Better to do it the "inferior" way and write a letter or have a friend tell the person than to not do it all! Besides, I'd rather hear news in letter so I can process it to myself before having to respond and without an audience.

Also, you have to 'walk before you run.' When a baby takes it's first steps, the parents don't usually say "Well, that's pretty good but you really should be running" ?

[colleennurse, ASN, RN]

Thanks everyone for your responses. I know I did the right thing by saying, well writing something to the CNL. This morning when I got to work he thanked me again for saying something to him. I absolutely hate confronting people but I am glad I did it. I am just hoping that he did not realize that people felt this way and now he knows and will hopefully try to make some changes. I hate working when everyone is complaining about something, but nobody wants to do anything about it or they just want to run to the manager. Someone else posted here that we need to give him a chance and that is what I want to do. I just didn't think it was fair for everyone to be talking about it behind his back. And I think that if I ever have to confront him again I will feel comfortable doing it face to face (at least with him).