what can I say to a family member?

[rnto?]

I recently had a situation with a gentleman who was a full code and in respiratory distress and an obviously enormous amount of pain. Because of various decisions by the family and the MD we couldn't get him enough analgesia and we couldn't help his breathing. I was upset by the situation and went to the med room so that no one would see me crying. The patient's daughter barged into the med room, saw me crying and walked out, but a little later, once I had recovered and was talking to her, said to me, "You know, I know you have a hard job, but maybe in a few years you'll develop a thicker skin". I didn't say anything. Now, what I wanted to say was, "I think that the fact that I care about my patients makes me a better nurse". Would that have been an inappropriate thing to say to a family member?

[bosnanurse]

Everyone has gotten off track here. No, one has answer her question. . . . . What can I say to a family member??? It is a valid question . . . how about . . . I care for your father. I feel frustrated that I am unable to control your father's pain and help him breath more comfortably sometimes releasing a bit of stress allows me to think more clearly and come up with alternative plans to help my patient.

Yes, it will be a good to say that, or I am here to help people and when I see them suffering it reflects on my own feelings ( which I have thanks to God) so, I feel sad and sorry for your father because these all measurements we are working on seem as it will not help him to live comfortable.THAT is WHY - and now-----

GET THE HECK OUT FROM OUR ROOM!!!!! ( wish to say this actually !):pntlft:

[CoffeeRTC, BSN, RN]

Yes, it will be a good to say that, or I am here to help people and when I see them suffering it reflects on my own feelings ( which I have thanks to God) so, I feel sad and sorry for your father because these all measurements we are working on seem as it will not help him to live comfortable.THAT is WHY - and now-----

GET THE HECK OUT FROM OUR ROOM!!!!! ( wish to say this actually !):pntlft:

Yes!!! I'd also make sure the ID team is following up on this person and question the fact that you are unable to provide the pain relief needed. What are the family's fears? over sedation? addiction? Obviously, more family education is needed.

[achot chavi]

I personally disagree with the thicker skin issue, I think it is very special that you feel for your patients and went somewhere appropriate to vent, maybe the situation brought up other feelings that have been suppressed or associated with the current situation.

We are human beings and not robots, so if you need to cry, and the time and place is appropriate, go right ahead (as far as I am concerned) I respect and understand the opposite position as well.

In any event, the family had no right to be in the med room or comment on your crying (what makes them think they know what is going on in your head that they can judge... maybe you were crying over another issue completely...)

Forget the family better not to reply at all!!!

[massrn116]

There is a DNR post that speaks to a lot of these death and dying comments. I totally agree with cardiac madeline. Families are not educated in death and dying. As nurses we see a lot of death and a lot of family suffering, I think a few tears here and there does release some of the tension and sadness we see day to day.

[chgoreid]

I guess I don't understand what's meant by thicker skin. I don't want to see someone suffering and NOT care about it. Hopefully one day I won't cry about it (this was more of the icing on the cake, so to speak, it was a horrible weekend, someone died unexpectedly, etc). but I never want to not be affected by someone else's suffering.

I think it is good that you care. And for those that say "just because you cry, you're not a better nurse," I also think that just because you DON"T cry, it doesn't make YOU a better nurse. I would surely want someone to be sensitive to my family member. However, try not to let it get to you so badly. But I know how those bad days go, and sometimes you cry because there is a whole bunch of things that day that occur, not just one.

[txspadequeenRN, BSN, RN]

you have it right...how in the world did she get in the med room in the first place...good grief is any place not safe from these crazy family members...

she had no business in the med room. i'm tired of family members who think they have any business behind the nurses station, in the med room, in the break room etc. do they go to hotel lobbies and start poking about behind the desk, to shops and fumble around behind the register?

i would have told her if she ever went in the med room again i'd call the police and have her for trespass............ok, maybe i want to keep paying my mortgage too.

[vashtee, RN]

Yikes! I am suddenly grateful for the mother of my young suicidal patient. When she got to the hospital, she asked me to show her the copy of the suicide note her son left. I got her a copy of the note, and (regrettably) - for just a second - imagined what it would be like if my own boy did this. My heart broke for her, and I couldn't wipe the couple of tears that fell from my eyes fast enough for her to not see them. I apologized for not being stronger for her, and she thanked me for my compassion and had a good cry on my shoulder.

Actually, that may have been the best moment of my nursing career since I graduated in December.

[txspadequeenRN, BSN, RN]

you have to start with the family cause the md will fall right into the pockets of these families just to keep from stirring up the dirt. seen it way to many times. that is why your job is so important cause you are the only hope this patient has for a peaceful recovery or death....

first i would ask to speak with her in private. then i would ask her how she thinks her father is doing cause you have to get a baseline on this crazy lady. then address the pain issue "do you think your father is in pain"...then you can get into why she does or does not think so ..educate on the s/s non verbalized pain...be ready for a know it all...

know that a lot of families in this situation are just trying to keep some control of the situation because deep down they feel like they are loosing a loved one.

they may have the morphine death theory drilled in their head.."morphine kills"...i cant tell you how many of these i have come across..but you have to educate, bring in your supervisor or the oncoming nurse to sit and talk with these people...get hospice involved early if this man is danger of dying ...some families are so ignorant ...this man needs a good dose of ativan and roxanol....

do we know the origin of his pain ?

how old is he ?

bless you heart..i have cried many times over patients..it's because i love my job and genuinely care about my paitients...i guarentee you that i am made of steel otherwise...

i recently had a situation with a gentleman who was a full code and in respiratory distress and an obviously enormous amount of pain. because of various decisions by the family and the md we couldn't get him enough analgesia and we couldn't help his breathing. i was upset by the situation and went to the med room so that no one would see me crying. the patient's daughter barged into the med room, saw me crying and walked out, but a little later, once i had recovered and was talking to her, said to me, "you know, i know you have a hard job, but maybe in a few years you'll develop a thicker skin". i didn't say anything. now, what i wanted to say was, "i think that the fact that i care about my patients makes me a better nurse". would that have been an inappropriate thing to say to a family member?

[skinnurse66, LPN]

If this person was a full code and in distress why was he not in the hospital? If he was then why were they not able to effectivly treat him to help his breathing and ease his pain. I also think that this family member is only thinking of herself not what is best for the patient

[skinnurse66, LPN]

GREAT RESPONCE I AGREE SOUNDS LIKE YOU HAVE BEEN HERE BEFORE