i started ns and wonder if i should have. i am in the process of seeking couseling/psychotherapy, but insurance hasn't kicked in yet. i found this poem on the net and it very accurately reflects how i feel (it is from www.fadetoself.com)...
on the outside
i look fine
i seem fine
i feel pretty good
i have a positive attitude...
inside, alone, i carry dark and heavy thoughts--
repressing memories of abuse
fleeting thoughts of suicide.
words cannot convey,
the feelings, the pain
i ignore them--
for a while, perhaps--
a long while, all day, many days--
figure it will go away -- ignore
it's automatically not even recognized mentally.
forcing myself day to day, week to week,
contact with people and life
my sorrow hidden,
my anguish contained
i push forward;
i feel like dying.
i tell no one.
i carry my feelings alone
this pretty accurately describes how i have been feeling for about the last year or so, much more so recently. i also just started ns.
i don't want to give up school even though i have no idea if it is what i want. do you think i can still make it thru if i try really hard? i thought maybe i could hurry up into counseling/meds and pull thru. i am having a not so good day today. i just want to make sure that i will be ok, that it won't get worse (because of ns) if i seek help immediately? i could quit my job if that would help any; i have the resources available to do that. i work about 25 hours per week and right now, because of how i am feeling, have no extra energy (or concentration) to do schoolwork. i don't have a suicidal plan but honestly i wonder why bother living? every day is hard, i wonder why i keep on doing it.
i feel stupid now. i ignored many of the recommendations given to me here to not start school until i had all this sorted out. now i find it getting worse and while i think i know how to alleviate the stress/feel better (i need therapy/meds), i wonder if it is too late. is there still hope for me to get thru school?? could i feel better relatively soon after starting therapy/meds? if you don't think it is possible, i would have to drop now to get a full refund. i am so totally embarassed because i can't seem to get it together. i can't believe that my past is biting me in the you-know-what after i thought i was ok!!:uhoh21:
i'm sorry..i know i am a big downer on this forum, but i have no one else to talk to...
I know I am lucky to be in the spot I am in........to even have the resources and support to quit my job even for ONE SEMESTER! That said, I did quit my job yesterday, gave two weeks. It was so dang hard, so emotional.......but I know I need to make this investment in my future and without help quick I think I would likely fail out of school.
So...........in two weeks I will be a full time student and unemployed. I am scared as heck about money, but I figure if it gets tight I can just go out and GET A JOB. Hopefully, that will be after the meds kick in and I feel a bit better and more organized. I still had co-reqs to take so my load is a bit heavier than some of my classmates, but only for Block 1. That is why it makes the most sense not to work this semester and work the other three. Plus, all the adjusting...well, you know.......
Thanks all for the advice and helping me identify my priorities. You are great!:)
Specializes in Specializes in L/D, newborn, GYN, LTC, Dialysis.
i am in a bad place right now.
i started ns and wonder if i should have. i am in the process of seeking couseling/psychotherapy, but insurance hasn't kicked in yet. i found this poem on the net and it very accurately reflects how i feel (it is from www.fadetoself.com)...
on the outside
i look fine
i seem fine
i feel pretty good
i have a positive attitude...
inside, alone, i carry dark and heavy thoughts--
repressing memories of abuse
fleeting thoughts of suicide.
words cannot convey,
the feelings, the pain
i ignore them--
for a while, perhaps--
a long while, all day, many days--
figure it will go away -- ignore
it's automatically not even recognized mentally.
forcing myself day to day, week to week,
contact with people and life
my sorrow hidden,
my anguish contained
i push forward;
i feel like dying.
i tell no one.
i carry my feelings alone
this pretty accurately describes how i have been feeling for about the last year or so, much more so recently. i also just started ns.
i don't want to give up school even though i have no idea if it is what i want. do you think i can still make it thru if i try really hard? i thought maybe i could hurry up into counseling/meds and pull thru. i am having a not so good day today. i just want to make sure that i will be ok, that it won't get worse (because of ns) if i seek help immediately? i could quit my job if that would help any; i have the resources available to do that. i work about 25 hours per week and right now, because of how i am feeling, have no extra energy (or concentration) to do schoolwork. i don't have a suicidal plan but honestly i wonder why bother living? every day is hard, i wonder why i keep on doing it.
i feel stupid now. i ignored many of the recommendations given to me here to not start school until i had all this sorted out. now i find it getting worse and while i think i know how to alleviate the stress/feel better (i need therapy/meds), i wonder if it is too late. is there still hope for me to get thru school?? could i feel better relatively soon after starting therapy/meds? if you don't think it is possible, i would have to drop now to get a full refund. i am so totally embarassed because i can't seem to get it together. i can't believe that my past is biting me in the you-know-what after i thought i was ok!!:uhoh21:
i'm sorry..i know i am a big downer on this forum, but i have no one else to talk to...
thank you
(((((hugs))))
you received some good advice. i want to say, follow your heart. get that counseling and then with that, make a plan that works. we all have had "false starts" and disappointments in trying to achieve our goals and dreams. don't let this get to you. i know i have suffered some serious depression on and off through the years---it can be debilitating. hang in there and get help. good luck.
I think you made a good decision. I know it was a difficult one for you to make. I also let hubby foot the bills while I was in school, and I know I would not have made it through if I'd had to work.
I had some unexpected setbacks during school, but I just got myself into the mindframe that I was going to finish, no matter what. That's what you have to do... just dedicate yourself to it, and you will succeed.
Curious1alwys, BSN, RN
1,310 Posts
I know I am lucky to be in the spot I am in........to even have the resources and support to quit my job even for ONE SEMESTER! That said, I did quit my job yesterday, gave two weeks. It was so dang hard, so emotional.......but I know I need to make this investment in my future and without help quick I think I would likely fail out of school.
So...........in two weeks I will be a full time student and unemployed. I am scared as heck about money, but I figure if it gets tight I can just go out and GET A JOB. Hopefully, that will be after the meds kick in and I feel a bit better and more organized. I still had co-reqs to take so my load is a bit heavier than some of my classmates, but only for Block 1. That is why it makes the most sense not to work this semester and work the other three. Plus, all the adjusting...well, you know.......
Thanks all for the advice and helping me identify my priorities. You are great!:)