Bipolar old new grad nurse

[lost_nurse]

Hello everyone,

I am new to this forum and I am not used to posting my personal situations out in public, but i really would like some outside perspective.

Over year ago, I graduated from a BSN nursing program. I failed a few courses and only managed to graduate as B- student. I believe my undiagnosed bipolar II symptoms, self-cutting, binge and purge habits greatly worsen during nursing school. I doubted my abilities and passionate during the last 4 semesters. However, I told myself that everyone struggles and has their doubts during nursing school. I just needed to stay strong and get through it. So I did just that. I graduated and passed my boards on my first attempt.

I spent 10 long months job searching in an over-saturated nursing market. My bipolar II symptoms were still present during these 10 months. However, my self-mutilation were kept to a minimum because I was living with family and friends. Finally, I found a job out of my home state. I had no family or friends there, and i would be living on my own. I accepted the job during my hypomanic state, I believe. I thought it would be an excellent opportunity for my career. Also, I could prove how much of an independent person I was. I completely forgot about my horrible coping habbits.

I tried to stay upbeat in my new home and job. Eventually, I broke down. I couldn't focus at my new job and was making the smallest mistakes. I dread going to work and I constantly felt nausea. I was binging and purging almost daily. In less than 3 weeks, I lost about 8-10 pounds. Eventually, I started to cut again and told myself that I NEEDED HELP. I was afraid of unintentionally cutting too deep and that no one would find me. I told my family and flew back home. I visited my pcp and was referred to a psychiatrist. I was newly diagnosed with hypomanic bipolar II. I was recommended to return home, if I could financially. My family was more than willing to take me back because they had concerns about my safety.

I thought asking for help would relieve some of my stress, but I am starting to truly regret my decision. I felt as if I should have tough it out and got my 1-2 year experience and moved back home. I should have just learnt to deal with my stress. Asking for help has only added to my family's stress. In addition, I most likely ruined my career, as most of my family members keep reminding me.

Although I was prescribed medication, I refuse to take them.. My family doesn't really believe in mental illness because everyone has their "ups and downs". I don't want to go back my my psychiatrist and take meds. I don't legitimately want to be diagnosed with a mental illness. The stigma that goes with mental illness can really cripple my career and life. Also, I feel like some psychiatrist try to diagnosis people with random disorders just to make an extra buck. However, through nursing school, I also feel mental illness is a real problem. I am in such a limbo.

So anyone with advice as to what I should do with my career? should I just change career paths (maybe one less stressful and with a more open market)? What do i tell my next potential employer about my early termination?

Also anyone with advice on how I can deal with my inability to cope with stress? Preferable without medication and constant therapy?

[Jenny878]

Hello everyone,

I am new to this forum and I am not used to posting my personal situations out in public, but i really would like some outside perspective.

Over year ago, I graduated from a BSN nursing program. I failed a few courses and only managed to graduate as B- student. I believe my undiagnosed bipolar II symptoms, self-cutting, binge and purge habits greatly worsen during nursing school. I doubted my abilities and passionate during the last 4 semesters. However, I told myself that everyone struggles and has their doubts during nursing school. I just needed to stay strong and get through it. So I did just that. I graduated and passed my boards on my first attempt.

I spent 10 long months job searching in an over-saturated nursing market. My bipolar II symptoms were still present during these 10 months. However, my self-mutilation were kept to a minimum because I was living with family and friends. Finally, I found a job out of my home state. I had no family or friends there, and i would be living on my own. I accepted the job during my hypomanic state, I believe. I thought it would be an excellent opportunity for my career. Also, I could prove how much of an independent person I was. I completely forgot about my horrible coping habbits.

I tried to stay upbeat in my new home and job. Eventually, I broke down. I couldn't focus at my new job and was making the smallest mistakes. I dread going to work and I constantly felt nausea. I was binging and purging almost daily. In less than 3 weeks, I lost about 8-10 pounds. Eventually, I started to cut again and told myself that I NEEDED HELP. I was afraid of unintentionally cutting too deep and that no one would find me. I told my family and flew back home. I visited my pcp and was referred to a psychiatrist. I was newly diagnosed with hypomanic bipolar II. I was recommended to return home, if I could financially. My family was more than willing to take me back because they had concerns about my safety.

I thought asking for help would relieve some of my stress, but I am starting to truly regret my decision. I felt as if I should have tough it out and got my 1-2 year experience and moved back home. I should have just learnt to deal with my stress. Asking for help has only added to my family's stress. In addition, I most likely ruined my career, as most of my family members keep reminding me.

Although I was prescribed medication, I refuse to take them.. My family doesn't really believe in mental illness because everyone has their "ups and downs". I don't want to go back my my psychiatrist and take meds. I don't legitimately want to be diagnosed with a mental illness. The stigma that goes with mental illness can really cripple my career and life. Also, I feel like some psychiatrist try to diagnosis people with random disorders just to make an extra buck. However, through nursing school, I also feel mental illness is a real problem. I am in such a limbo.

So anyone with advice as to what I should do with my career? should I just change career paths (maybe one less stressful and with a more open market)? What do i tell my next potential employer about my early termination?

Also anyone with advice on how I can deal with my inability to cope with stress? Preferable without medication and constant therapy?

It sounds like you would benefit from seeing a psychiatrist and getting on some medications. Most people with true bipolar benefit from meds. Not only are you risking your own safety, but you are risking your license too and possibly patient safety. Not that you would deliberately hurt a patient, but moods affect decision making. What if you make the wrong call? What if you are distracted? And what if you don't even realize it because you're cycling. The tricky thing about bipolar is that people often don't see how their thinking and judgment is impaired. They take their thoughts as reality when they are distorted when in a mood extreme. There's lots of new meds out there with less side effects. It would be the responsible thing to do to explore medications. There are ethics in nursing that I've always considered important and that is doing no harm, including to self and people whose lives I hold in my hand. As a nurse you are responsible for other people's lives, it's a huge responsibility. If you feel this unstable, I might also consider a leave of absence.

[amygarside]

this is true, you may also risk the safety of your patients. try to take medications..

[VivaLasViejas, ASN, RN]

Hello everyone,

I am new to this forum and I am not used to posting my personal situations out in public, but i really would like some outside perspective.

Over year ago, I graduated from a BSN nursing program. I failed a few courses and only managed to graduate as B- student. I believe my undiagnosed bipolar II symptoms, self-cutting, binge and purge habits greatly worsen during nursing school. I doubted my abilities and passionate during the last 4 semesters. However, I told myself that everyone struggles and has their doubts during nursing school. I just needed to stay strong and get through it. So I did just that. I graduated and passed my boards on my first attempt.

I spent 10 long months job searching in an over-saturated nursing market. My bipolar II symptoms were still present during these 10 months. However, my self-mutilation were kept to a minimum because I was living with family and friends. Finally, I found a job out of my home state. I had no family or friends there, and i would be living on my own. I accepted the job during my hypomanic state, I believe. I thought it would be an excellent opportunity for my career. Also, I could prove how much of an independent person I was. I completely forgot about my horrible coping habbits.

I tried to stay upbeat in my new home and job. Eventually, I broke down. I couldn't focus at my new job and was making the smallest mistakes. I dread going to work and I constantly felt nausea. I was binging and purging almost daily. In less than 3 weeks, I lost about 8-10 pounds. Eventually, I started to cut again and told myself that I NEEDED HELP. I was afraid of unintentionally cutting too deep and that no one would find me. I told my family and flew back home. I visited my pcp and was referred to a psychiatrist. I was newly diagnosed with hypomanic bipolar II. I was recommended to return home, if I could financially. My family was more than willing to take me back because they had concerns about my safety.

I thought asking for help would relieve some of my stress, but I am starting to truly regret my decision. I felt as if I should have tough it out and got my 1-2 year experience and moved back home. I should have just learnt to deal with my stress. Asking for help has only added to my family's stress. In addition, I most likely ruined my career, as most of my family members keep reminding me.

Although I was prescribed medication, I refuse to take them.. My family doesn't really believe in mental illness because everyone has their "ups and downs". I don't want to go back my my psychiatrist and take meds. I don't legitimately want to be diagnosed with a mental illness. The stigma that goes with mental illness can really cripple my career and life. Also, I feel like some psychiatrist try to diagnosis people with random disorders just to make an extra buck. However, through nursing school, I also feel mental illness is a real problem. I am in such a limbo.

So anyone with advice as to what I should do with my career? should I just change career paths (maybe one less stressful and with a more open market)? What do i tell my next potential employer about my early termination?

Also anyone with advice on how I can deal with my inability to cope with stress? Preferable without medication and constant therapy?

Welcome to Allnurses.com! As a site Guide who also happens to have bipolar disorder, I'd like to help you deal with your confusion and distress, but I'm asking you to have an open mind about medication and seeing a mental health professional about your issues.

First of all, you are not the first, nor will you be the last, nurse with a diagnosable mental illness. If you search this site, you'll run into all kinds of nurses, even a lot of them who have what you and I have (actually, my 'flavor' is Bipolar 1, but that's another story for another day). Yes, there is stigma; and yes, sometimes we pay with the loss of our jobs when we get sick. But hiding under a bush and staying in denial benefits no one, especially the nurse with BP who is avoiding treatment because she fears being labeled or thought of as 'crazy'.

I'm sure you've noticed that your erratic behaviors in school and work coincided with mood shifts, which is often a good clue that someone has BP. You also have a history of self-harm, which is another strong indicator of mental illness. Please don't rule out seeing a psychiatrist and taking medications; while a relative few can manage their disorder without them, the vast majority cannot, and it would be foolish to try when you are admittedly so unstable. Not all psychiatrists are in it just for the money; many, like mine, are genuinely caring professionals who go beyond the call of duty to help their clients.

I know you don't want to be diagnosed as "mentally ill". I didn't like hearing those words either. It's a brutal label and it does carry a stigma. But it's so much better to be a part of the solution than part of the problem: instead of allowing yourself to be stigmatized, fight it! Advocate for yourself and for others with your condition by showing yourself, your family, your co-workers and superiors how well someone with bipolar disorder can live and work.

And it doesn't matter whether or not your family acknowledges mental illness; the fact is that it exists, and you have one. If they are not receptive to learning about it, then you may need to keep your contact with them to a minimum, as toxic people and situations can trigger mood episodes.

One final point: In my opinion, you are asking too much of yourself to try to tough out bipolar without medications. I don't like having to take five psych meds a day to be 'normal', but I do it, and that's all there is to it. I don't like having to spend my hard-earned money to go to the doctor at least monthly, but I do it. Achieving and then maintaining stability should be your highest priorities, for without it, everything else is out of reach.

I'm not a doctor, of course, just a patient like you with a diagnosis I didn't ask for and didn't want. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do; just know that there is help for you here whenever you need it, but you really should let a competent mental health professional take care of you.

[LoveNeverDies]

OP, I am blessed to not currently be suffering from a mental illness. However, my sister who is very dear to me has Bipolar Disorder. Believe me my parents do not believe in mental illness, if I even mention that I am anxious or upset they laugh and make fun of me. My sister was not diagnosed until a few years into college. During her undiagnosed times she medicated herself with drugs and alcohol. My parents did not believe she was truly sick and all but abandoned her, which of course made it worse. We got a phone call one night that my sister was in the hospital for a drug overdose, and that they didn't think she would make it. She did, and they finally took her illness seriously. She started medication immediately and has been able to function much better. She still has difficult days, sometimes weeks, but I fully believe if she didn't take her medication that she would be dead by now. As for your parents stating that you might have ruined your career, well if you had pushed through it a little longer you may have made it... or you could have cut too deep one night and died. Many wonderful nurses suffer from mental illness, please understand that choosing to not take medication could be putting you and your patients in danger. I cannot think of a single person that wanted to have a mental illness. Many people believe that they can be stronger than their illness, in almost all cases this is simply not true.

Lastly, with therapy teaching her coping skills, following a certain schedule and trying to avoid stressful situations my sister has been able to reduce her medication greatly. Please for yourself and for your family at least try the medication, or try therapy. Without at least one of those as a starting point I do not think you will be able to feel better.