Bathing a 7 y/o

Nurses General Nursing

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Dear All,

I have a 7 y/o daughter who sees her dad once every two to three months. He picks her up on Saturday and drops her back off on Sunday. She has a shower the morning of the day she goes to visit him; but he insists that she needs a shower the next morning too. Not only does she have dry skin, she expresses that she doesn't like to take a shower while she's with him. I typically give her a shower every 2 to 3 days. Am I showering my daughter too infrequently? Just curious how often you all bathe your kiddos. I've asked him to please not give her a shower while she's with him - and he's insisting that he'll need a doctor's note to that effect if that's what I want to happen. :rolleyes:

Anyhow - thanks in advance for any input.

Emily

Specializes in ER.

My daughter is seven,nearly eight, and she would NOT be a happy camper if her Dad, (whom she adores, and lives in the home, and sees everyday) helped her in the shower. She would be humiliated, actually. She has just recently decided that she doesn't really want me to help her, either. We bought special no tears, no tangle shampoo so she can handle her hair herself.

Have you tried compromising with Dad?...telling him she is at the age where mosesty kicks in. He and could allow her to wash up on her own, if he INSISTS. She doesn't necessarily have to wash her hair, those days. If he persists, I would REALLY wonder what the heck is going on.

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I have thought about this more( I couldn't stop, I even discussed this with my co-workers) First off is it an order saying that she has to spend time with him? If there is I doubt if it says that it is okay for him to come around every once in a while. I would tell him to kiss my *** the next time he came to get her. If you won't stop giving her a bath to hell with you. Tell him you have her all day everyday and his "be a daddy when you want to " butt isn't needed. Secondly I would take the baby to the doctor, He might be a pervert(don't put anything past a him because he is her dad) It is okay that you only give her a bath everyday as long as the IMPORTANT AREAS are washed. You don't have to have a letter saying you don't want her to have a bath everyday, being her mommy is all the note you need. I WISH I were you because I would tell that sorry SOB somthing. And now I have to question his wife. What kind of real woman think that this is cool? She know that when she was 7 she didn't want a man giving her a bath. I was raised by my dad and at the age of five I would only let him see my chest( I thought it was okay since our chest looked alike...flat) As I got older there wasn't anyway my dad or brothers could see me. Now that I am older if my brother or someone walks in and I have on my underwear ohhhh well. But the thing is... Im older, and I am comfortable.

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If it weren't for the fact that my wife has cerebral Palsey, I would not even bathe my daughters, and as for my 7 year old, the only time I go near the bathroom is if on the odd occasion we have a headlice problem come home from school and then only with my wife present. There is definitely more to this story and for your daughters sake, something needs to be done, NOW.

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I don't want to be an alarmest here - but I was abused in this very manner. Please stop this immediately, at whatever cost. This is not an innocent matter.

I shudder to think what this may be.

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Specializes in LTC,Hospice/palliative care,acute care.

Giant RED flag here,too.... :angryfire .And as others have pointed out she is developing a sense of modesty...At 7 if her hair is too long for her to care for independently then re-think that style...Either let her wash it in the sink with your help or cut it shorter so she can care for it.14....Anyway-I think you know what you HAVE to do in this situation and just need some support...Follow your instincts....get to the pediatrician right away-good luck...I hope and pray that we are wrong and your ex is just a controlling azzhole...

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Dear All,

I appreciate everyone's input. I have gotten a letter from my doctor, and if the showers do not cease at this next visitation, then we will be going back to court.

Thanks everyone, I appreciate you all.

Sincerely,

Emily

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I agree that if the child's skin is dry then there is no need to bathe them every single day in the winter time. Children aren't like adults in that they don't get oily, greasy or odorous if they don't bathe 24/7.

Another perspective to your daughter not wanting to bathe there.

I remember when I was young my parents divorced when I was about 3. I loved my dad very much and he never raised a hand to me, never even disciplined me, but his job always kept him living in other cities and relocating, sometimes even other countries and despite phone calls, it isn't the same as seeing a parent day in and day out.

I also remember when he was in town, having my visitations with him at my grandmother's house. Of course I would be due for a bath, change of clothes,etc. and the thought of having to do that in front of my father even at the age of 7 would have had me MORTIFIED!

I even remember one time being that age and my dad was over my mother's house. All I needed was my hair washed which my mother proceeded to do in the kitchen sink while my dad was in the living room. I remember my mother wanting me to take my shirt off and wrap a towel around and I probably fainted at the thought of having no top on while my dad was in the next room.

So, I do not think it is odd that she is uncomfortable with this, kids at that age realize the differences between men and women and begin to understand sexuality related to their physical body.

What does bother me though, is that from the way you describe it, the man insists on helping her with this?!?! She is seven years old and I am sure needs no help in this department. Either something fishy is going on or dad needs a lesson on what seven year olds are capable of.

No offense, but the guy sounds like a real jerk making you get a doctor's note explaining why she doesn't need a bath.

I would try to broach the subject with your daughter as to why she is so uncomfortable discussing this with you and observe for any other signs of something else going on. It could be that she is just embarrassed by the fact that her father insists on treating her like a child, if she feels distension between the two of you she may not want to make waves.

I agree with you Colleen re the embarrassment issue here.I remember my daughter at 7, she was aware of the differences between girls and boys and was modest whilst getting undressed in front of anyone.This wee girl only sees her dad every so often its only natural she will be uncomfortable with undressing in front of him.:angryfire If I was in mum's place I would try and speak to him about this or maybe his new wife,surely it is not difficult to understand how the child is feeling.:angryfire I hope there are no sinister reasons for the child to act in this way.Please do something about it now-dont take any chances. :angryfire
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I do agree about the red flags, and I would definatley look into it, BUT I know my nearly eight yr old..if she suspected that I didnt want her or had a problem with her taking a bath at her fathers--she would play on that . Because of course at her age she hates to be made to take one, yet once she is in she never gets out. But if he wishes her to be clean she should be able to tell him she wants to be alone or have his wife present, unless she is uncomfortable with her. At her age she should be able to mange her hair, if not it gets mostly clean. Personally I think if nothing is going on there at dads she might just be trying to get out of it. This would be how my daughter would handle it. But I cant blame him for wanting her clean, I do blame him for remaining with her if she doesnt wish this. But personally I think kids at that ages, sweat and get too dirty and stink too badly not to shower each day.

Better yet expess to his new wife, and ask her personally to do it and explain daughters feelings. Maybe the other woman can empathize with her.

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Have you asked her why she doesn't want to shower? Maybe, you could somehow get some help from her answer.

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I have a seven year old girl and I can tell you that she is aware of the differences between boys and girls and does not want anyone other than mom, grandma seeing her naked. It is only natural. A seven year old girl saying she doesn't want to shower at Daddy's house with Daddy helping her is not unusual. It does not automatically mean the guy is doing something bad. My take on the situation is that Dad doesn't want Mom telling him what he can and can't do and that he is forcing the child to shower to spite Mom. Does it make him a jerk? Yes, but he is not necessarily a child molester.

As for the frequency of bathing - my son has eczema - his most recent flare-up stripped the majority of the skin from the bottoms of his feet. We have a pediatrician, we a have a dermatologist, we have a GP. All three have said over and over again that baths are a no-no... too much time soaking the skin. All three prefer showers. All three say to do it quickly - the least amount of time in the water, the better. All three say ONLY once every three days unless he is has gotten dirty or especially sweaty (karate and basketball) - daily baths and showers are NOT good for children with dry skin and eczema because it strips the skin of the natural oils and will exacerbate the problem. After puberty, yes they sweat more, but their skin also produces more of the natural oils, so daily showering is fine. Before puberty, children do not need to be showered on such a constant basis unless they have gotten dirty.

As for lotions, Elidel, hydrocortisone creams... they are not a substitute for the skin's natural oils - they are good for treating flareups but not on a constant basis. Hydrocortisone creams thin the skin and in the long run cause more problems. Elidel is my FAVOURITE product for flareups but not on a daily basis. Since it has become available in Canada, I have only had to use it once. The flareup on my son's feet was successfully treated over the course of seven days with Dermal Therapy Heel Care - this OTC product is recommended by diabetes educators and worked wonders.

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I can't get any other reason than "I don't want to talk about it" from my daughter about why she doesn't like to take showers when she is with him. Obviously, this raises my alert that perhaps there is something wrong here.

Emily

You're right; that should send up a HUGE RED FLAG!

The condition of her skin is NOT what I would be worrying about here! Can you get her in to see a child psychologist to find out why she doesn't want to talk about it?

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Specializes in Operating Room,, Plastic Surgery.

I have a 5 1/2 year old son who bathes almost every night, he loves the tub. I still wash his hair( he cant rinse well) and his back, but he is becoming modest. will say Mooooom I need privacy.., Maybe she is just feeling modest around her dad, explain this to ex, and ask your daughter if she would be more comfortable with her step mom helping ? just trying to look at all angles.

if dad is inappropriate then keep her out of there. even moms and dads need to respect private areas. 7 is old enough to wash herself w/ minimum help with rinsing

just my $.02

Marci

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