Application Essay Help!

lcbradley · Jan 8, 2006

I just finished writing the first draft of my essay for an accelerated nursing school. I had a hard time deciding what i wanted to write about...and I'm not a very good writer. So I am worried that it will prevent me from being accepted! Any tips/help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much! :)
3. Share a story about yourself that will help us get to know you better and tell us something that we wouldn't otherwise know from your application.
Holidays undoubtedly bring close and distant relatives together for a glorious religious celebration. The conversations between relatives and me eventually always discuss events and plans for the future. The uncle on my mother's side habitually fails to remember what my post- graduation plans are and therefore is forced to inquire. One conversation in particular between my uncle and I will help you get acquainted with me.
This past Christmas during a conversation between my uncle and me at dinner, my uncle posed the yearly question. "What are your plans after graduating from the University of Iowa this spring?" I instantaneously reminded him that I will be applying to an accelerated nursing school in hopes of becoming a Registered Nurse in the near future. Then he ventured on and asked why I had the desire to become a nurse and how I knew I would be a good nurse.
Why do I have the desire to become a nurse? One of the reasons why I want to be a nurse is because of my mother. My mother is my role model and has been my whole life. My mother is a Nuclear Medicine Technologist at Loyola University Medical Center. My mother initially sparked my interest by entering the medical field in 1991 while simultaneously raising a family. During my undergrad at the U of I, I took various nursing courses which furthered my interests and desires to become a nurse. Then I began to contemplate how to pursue a career in nursing. Incidentally I took a proactive approach and enrolled in many health courses which lead me to major in health and sport studies. I have the desire and passion to become a nurse and care for individuals who are in need of assistance.
How do I know I will be a good nurse? I know I will be a good nurse because I possess the necessary qualities for nursing. I am honest, caring, patient, gentle, kind, assertive, punctual, determined, courageous, and sense of humor. Currently I hold the position of Coordinator at the TLA which is a non profit student organization on campus. This job has helped strengthen my personal qualities and taught me a great deal more about empathy. Empathy and the compassion for others are essential qualities that nurses exemplify. Empathy is one of my personal strengths; therefore this is the reason nursing is the field of expertise that will be the perfect area for me.
After I had explained my reasoning for becoming a nurse my uncle had another question. He asked, "The program is accelerated and therefore twice as hard as regular nursing school. Do you think you can handle being a student in an accelerated nursing program?" To help express my answer to him I immediately reflected on 'Relay for Life,' a philanthropy event I participated in a few years ago hosted by the American Cancer Society (ACS). This event raised money for the ACS while participants had teams of runners. The rule was to have one runner from each team on the track at all times during the event. Before attending the U of Iowa, participating in 'Relay for Life' was one of the hardest things I had ever done. It challenged my strength mentally and physically for twelve straight hours. At the end of the event I knew I would conquer anything I set my mind to. Therefore I am confident that I will be successful in an accelerated nursing program. I will devote all of my strength to what I love which is the advocacy of health, and the care of individuals. I am excited about new learning experiences and I am determined to be successful in the accelerated nursing program

I think this is an excellent essay. I would spell out university and Iowa. Also be sure to tell what TLA represents. Other than that, I think the committee will enjoy reading it.

Iwanna-B-a-Nurse · Jan 8, 2006

Your essay is very good! I only saw one thing that I would add. Insert the word "possess" before the words sense of humor. You are awesome. I have no doubt that you will be able to cut the mustard in the accelerated program. Best of luck to you!

Daytonite, BSN, RN · Jan 8, 2006

first, let me say that i am not deliberately being mean. you asked for tips and help and that is what i am giving you. your essay is going to be judged on several levels. did you answer the question? was your writing concise and to the point? was it well organized? did it sound real? (parts of your draft do not sound real) did it evoke any emotion in the reader? did it stand out in any way?

i felt you did not answer the question that was asked of you. you did, however, manage to include the answers to several very key questions that nursing students anticipate being asked. after i read the essay i was left with the impression that you were so desparate to impress anyone reading it that you hit on every possible idea you could think of as to why you would be a good nurse. that, however, is not what you were asked. you are supposed to share one story about yourself. keep it simple and stick to the point which is to give up one story. don't make it sound like you are answering interview questions.

i suggest you write about the "relay for life" hosted by the american cancer society that you attended, for example. it could go something like this. you have heard your mother talk a lot about cancer since she is nuclear med tech, but you never realized how it really affected people until you decided to be a part of the "relay for life" sponsored by the americna cancer society. you can elaborate on what you learned about cancer that day and some of the cancer survivors you met (i'm sure there were some there, weren't there?) and how their stories touched you, sparked your empathy, and tweaked your determination to pursue nursing as a career as much as you were determined to finish the race in order to help raise the money. pick one good cancer story that one of the patients might have told about overcoming and triumphing over their disease. then, tell how hard it was to finish the race and how you wonder that nursing school isn't going to be similar. the main idea being that you are not a quitter and that you finish what you begin. that, keiko229, is a story with a metaphor linking it to nursing. if you have to make up a few parts of it as you go along, do it. it is, afterall a story. it only has to sound real.

lcbradley · Jan 8, 2006

first, let me say that i am not deliberately being mean. you asked for tips and help and that is what i am giving you. your essay is going to be judged on several levels. did you answer the question? was your writing concise and to the point? was it well organized? did it sound real? (parts of your draft do not sound real) did it evoke any emotion in the reader? did it stand out in any way?
i felt you did not answer the question that was asked of you. you did, however, manage to include the answers to several very key questions that nursing students anticipate being asked. after i read the essay i was left with the impression that you were so desparate to impress anyone reading it that you hit on every possible idea you could think of as to why you would be a good nurse. that, however, is not what you were asked. you are supposed to share one story about yourself. keep it simple and stick to the point which is to give up one story. don't make it sound like you are answering interview questions.
i suggest you write about the "relay for life" hosted by the american cancer society that you attended, for example. it could go something like this. you have heard your mother talk a lot about cancer since she is nuclear med tech, but you never realized how it really affected people until you decided to be a part of the "relay for life" sponsored by the americna cancer society. you can elaborate on what you learned about cancer that day and some of the cancer survivors you met (i'm sure there were some there, weren't there?) and how their stories touched you, sparked your empathy, and tweaked your determination to pursue nursing as a career as much as you were determined to finish the race in order to help raise the money. pick one good cancer story that one of the patients might have told about overcoming and triumphing over their disease. then, tell how hard it was to finish the race and how you wonder that nursing school isn't going to be similar. the main idea being that you are not a quitter and that you finish what you begin. that, keiko229, is a story with a metaphor linking it to nursing. if you have to make up a few parts of it as you go along, do it. it is, afterall a story. it only has to sound real.

i like your idea, and it is very interesting. but there is nothing wrong with the way she chose to tell her story. it flows and her ideas connect. now i do agree that your way does have more spark and i think the audience would be interested in both. what matters most i believe is when you write from the heart.

Keiko229 · Jan 8, 2006

Thank you for the input everyone, if anyone else has anything to add... i'm very interested and open to hearing more critiques & constructive criticisms. I agree that it isn't necessairly a story but the conversation actually occurred. I thought the story about the conversation would be a good way to let them know what kind of a person i am and bring in other ideas from other subjects that came to mind.

I hope that my essay isn't conveying a sense of desperation. My hope was to convey my personality, goals, and background through this essay.

Thanks again for the posts, and any other advice would be great!

lcbradley · Jan 9, 2006

Thank you for the input everyone, if anyone else has anything to add... i'm very interested and open to hearing more critiques & constructive criticisms. I agree that it isn't necessairly a story but the conversation actually occurred. I thought the story about the conversation would be a good way to let them know what kind of a person i am and bring in other ideas from other subjects that came to mind.
I hope that my essay isn't conveying a sense of desperation. My hope was to convey my personality, goals, and background through this essay.
Thanks again for the posts, and any other advice would be great!

Keiko229, like I said, you did a great job. Your essay should be personal and convey the message you are trying to get across. I understood it. It came from you. I really liked it. And I can relate to it. It will be a great addition to your application packet.

**RosesrReder, BSN, MSN, RN** · Jan 9, 2006

Basically give the events in your life that have led you to pursue a career in nursing.

Good luck

rchamp59 · Jan 16, 2006

Holidays undoubtedly bring close and distant relatives together for a glorious religious celebration. The conversations between relatives and me eventually always discuss events and plans for the future. The uncle on my mother's side habitually fails to remember what my post- graduation plans are and therefore is forced to inquire. One conversation in particular between my uncle and I will help you get acquainted with me. This past Christmas during a conversation between my uncle and me at dinner, my uncle posed the yearly question. "What are your plans after graduating from the University of Iowa this spring?" I instantaneously reminded him that I will be applying to an accelerated nursing school in hopes of becoming a Registered Nurse in the near future. Then he ventured on and asked why I had the desire to become a nurse and how I knew I would be a good nurse.

If the school was reading only one essay, and not hundreds of them then this is great. But, they will read hundreds so keep that in mind. This is an awfully long introduction to why you want to be a nurse.

4carter2005 · Jan 16, 2006

I accidentally posted 2 so check my next

4carter2005 · Jan 16, 2006

first, let me say that i am not deliberately being mean. you asked for tips and help and that is what i am giving you. your essay is going to be judged on several levels. did you answer the question? was your writing concise and to the point? was it well organized? did it sound real? (parts of your draft do not sound real) did it evoke any emotion in the reader? did it stand out in any way?
i felt you did not answer the question that was asked of you. you did, however, manage to include the answers to several very key questions that nursing students anticipate being asked. after i read the essay i was left with the impression that you were so desparate to impress anyone reading it that you hit on every possible idea you could think of as to why you would be a good nurse. that, however, is not what you were asked. you are supposed to share one story about yourself. keep it simple and stick to the point which is to give up one story. don't make it sound like you are answering interview questions.
i suggest you write about the "relay for life" hosted by the american cancer society that you attended, for example. it could go something like this. you have heard your mother talk a lot about cancer since she is nuclear med tech, but you never realized how it really affected people until you decided to be a part of the "relay for life" sponsored by the americna cancer society. you can elaborate on what you learned about cancer that day and some of the cancer survivors you met (i'm sure there were some there, weren't there?) and how their stories touched you, sparked your empathy, and tweaked your determination to pursue nursing as a career as much as you were determined to finish the race in order to help raise the money. pick one good cancer story that one of the patients might have told about overcoming and triumphing over their disease. then, tell how hard it was to finish the race and how you wonder that nursing school isn't going to be similar. the main idea being that you are not a quitter and that you finish what you begin. that, keiko229, is a story with a metaphor linking it to nursing. if you have to make up a few parts of it as you go along, do it. it is, afterall a story. it only has to sound real.

i 100% agree with daytonite! the relay for life would be an amazing and heartfelt story. you would become a real person rather than just another application. it needs to be exciting and show compassion and determination for the field of nursing.

the application tells your amazing background and education. they want to know why you want to be a nurse. this type of story that will knock their socks off and score major points for you. if you tell them everything about yourself now what will you talk about during the interview?