Anyone else obsessively check test results?

Published

So even though I know I haven't done anything, When I am selected to test I obsessively check for my test results! I know that this is something I should just "let be", however I can't help but check to see if my results are posted! I was never really OCD or high anxiety prior to monitoring. But I really feel like monitoring has now made me have super high anxiety and an almost compulsive disorder!!! (BUT...;SHHHH I don't want a new diagnosis that will extend my time! LOL) ... it's almost like a PTSD disorder...and since I have no control over the "powers that be" it really gives me high anxiety! Although the AA mantra keeps saying we have no "control" and give things up to our "higher power", I just really spend 3-12 days when I am selected for testing with a rock in my gut and on the verge of a true breakdown!

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in OR.

Yes. Just yes.

I'm already a little obsessive and high anxiety about things. All this monitoring trash has done me no favors in that department. Even though I'm 99.999999% sure I did that dumb check in...I still check again..and again... I don't think I'm ever going to be able to sleep past 4am again. I also check results, again and again. If these clowns are going to pull one on me, I want to know about it ASAP. I don't trust them any further then I can kick them. I've no reason to.

Up Vote Up Vote ×

OH yes, absolutely. I generally start checking the day after a test, even though I've never in 2 1/2 years gotten results back within a day. I check over and over, and then often once I see that "negative&, I still check in case they change it!

Along with these OCD tendencies, I've developed paranoia. I'm afraid that TPTB (the powers that be) can see the times that I log in, in fact I'm sure they can, it's just a matter of whether or not they are looking. Because I worry that it will look like I'm guilty of something, that I think the test result might be positive! I also worry that my check ins right at 4 am might seem "suspicious" to them. Like why does she need to know at 4 am if she needs to test? Is she planning to drink as soon as she finds out she doesn't need to test? Or is she afraid she'll get selected because she already drank and she knows she'll test positive? Who really needs to know at 4:00 am if they've been selected? I have NOTHING to feel guilty about, of course, and I know my tests will be negative as I wouldn't dare drink a drop of alcohol while in this monitoring hell, but false positives happen..... And I don't sleep well until I've completed my check in for the day, I constantly fear forgetting to do it.

So yes, I've developed OCD in this program.

Up Vote Up Vote ×

I think alot of us are conditioned with the 4 AM internal alarm clock. Alot of mine are right at 4 AM sharp because I'm up at 3:30 and can't go back to sleep until I check it. Someday, the only time I'll be up at 4 AM will be when nature calls.

Up Vote Up Vote ×

My company often takes over 2 weeks to post results, so I don't obsessively check that. I do, however, check my bank account obsessively, because they only withdraw the money once they have sent the result to the monitoring folks. Once the money is gone, I do get on pins and needles for the next two days, afraid that my phone will be ringing from my case manager to tell me about a problem with my sample.

I'm totally clean and sober, but I obsess about incidental exposure. Like, my husband used soy sauce in a marinade and I didn't know it...I mean, the ribs got baked for hours and then grilled, I'm sure any alcohol was long gone, but I still obsessed. And I had my favorite, Chinese vegetable lo mein...didn't realize they cooked that with soy sauce until a few weeks ago, so that caused pains and needles too.

I also have Hidradenitis Suppurativa. This causes very painful, recurring abcesses, blisters, and cysts in my groin and I have to clean the area with witch hazel twice daily (it's the only thing that help keeps them at bay, or at least fewer in number)...but witch hazel has grain alcohol in it. I've tried every powder, lotion, potion, and cream...but witch hazel just works the best. I use as little as possible. I hate to use it, but it's better than having them lanced constantly and being on antibiotics full time. So I worry about absorbing that...and if I'm called to test, I shower and clean my nether regions like a banshee because I don't want pee to touch any dried witch hazel, get in my urine, and sink me that way.

But the anxiety is real.

Up Vote Up Vote ×

I'm in Pennsylvania and don't think I can check the results otherwise like you guys I'd be checking obsessively. Honestly I think maybe that's best. It would be another thing in this program for me to stress about. I must check my phone at least 4-5 times a day. This program comes with constant obsession and paranoia and the toll is something I'm not sure I'll ever recover from. What keeps me going is the benchmarks in this program. Every time I go to the asinine nurse meeting that's one less I have to go to and same hold true for the monthly reports, meetings, pee tests.... Ultimately everyday that goes by is one day closer to the end which I think about ceaselessly. I have 1 year and 10 months left to go in this joyless purgatory and it can't go fast enough. Its no way to live life but it is what it is I guess

Up Vote Up Vote ×
What keeps me going is the benchmarks in this program. Every time I go to the asinine nurse meeting that's one less I have to go to and same hold true for the monthly reports, meetings, pee tests.... Ultimately everyday that goes by is one day closer to the end which I think about ceaselessly. I have 1 year and 10 months left to go in this joyless purgatory and it can't go fast enough. Its no way to live life but it is what it is I guess

I love this idea, the benchmarks. I've been tracking days on a countdown app, but that can get overwhelming and disheartening when the numbers are high. But the benchmarks, yeah, I like that. I've got 85 days left, which sounded great when I moved from the hundreds to the double digits, but now sounds like a LOT of days. But I have ONE quarterly report left, THREE monthly reports left, that sounds way better! TWELVE weeks. Probably 3-5 more trips to the lab, the frequency has been decreasing lately. That sounds way better than 85 days.

Up Vote Up Vote ×

Yes. Sometimes I even check the day I test. Total OCD!! How can I not? And also if there is any email communication from my case manager I re-read it like a million times..LOL

Up Vote Up Vote ×

Doing this today 7 days since I dropped for option 4. Usually get the results in 5 days.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
+ Join the Discussion