An anticlimatic end!

TXRN2 · Feb 22, 2014

Oogie: I understand where you are coming from. After all the hoople about TPAPN- all the stress, the daily check-ins, getting the UA's done- fitting them in to your work schedule, getting the meetings done- it just ....ends. Noone i worked with new- except for the nurse manager- & then i left that job to return to a more sane job- & noone knows at all now. i,too, hated IOP (oh,my- family night!!!), feel the same about AA- don't go anymore, never really fit in- got what i needed there & used it well, but- i do have my family- who is very well aware of what happenend, was there for me every step of the way, & has a huge investment in my sobriety!! i have a precious granddaughter who will have no memory of me not clean & sober....sounds like maybe you don't have even this. i would surmise that you need some friends that are clean & sober- or that at least can be your friends while you are clean & sober. have know idea how you gather those friends- perhaps someone else can help with that?? Hang in there, Oogie- you have this better life- now must make it less lonely!! love & hugs to you!!

Oogie · Feb 23, 2014

Thanks Tex,

Your words of encouragement helps heal a wounded soul. My wife and son are supportive, they just have a different view. I have a posse of friends around me, that care for me deeply, they only know what I've chose to share. Also nice to hear that IOP and AA, ( I liked there say'n " take what ya need and leave the rest" ) .. well... lets just say is good for some folks .. not everyone is the same. I reach out into this forum, and find beautiful people like you, and I feel a little better, being able to share what hurts the most. I'm not alone, Just feel'n alittle lonely It really helps to share.... no strings attached. Recently lost my best friend of 40 yrs to alcoholic liver disease. In my face, the price of abuse. Life goes on ... take care y'all, enjoy each day .... Peace

sallyrnrrt, ADN, RN · Feb 24, 2014

i so relate Oogie, i was in similar orrientation

jackstem · Feb 24, 2014

You might consider contacting TPAPN to see if there are any support groups for recovering health care professionals (sometimes called Caduceus meetings). While some can be 12 Step oriented, not all are. It IS important to have friends in recovery who understand what we've been through. While family and friends not in recovery can be supportive, they have no idea what it's like to be triggered, have a sudden craving (yeah...it's that whole altered brain thing associated with the disease of addiction which gets better but never quite goes away), or to have professional colleagues who should be better educated about a chronic, progressive, potentially fatal disease but aren't, and who tend to be judgmental (not all, but far too many in my book). Where do you meet other people in recovery? Well, unfortunately (or fortunately if you happen to be able to look past some of the things you don't agree with), one of the best places happens to be at 12 Step meetings. I know, some meetings can seem like revival gatherings (don't go to those kind). I know, you said you didn't like them. But the interesting thing I've discovered in almost 19 years of recovery is that I can choose to focus on the things that work and help me stay clean and sober while choosing to ignore the rest; or I can choose to focus on all the things that I don't like and be miserable and have no friends in recovery. I can also choose to remain isolated, or choose to begin to share my story of recovery with others in the profession who have walked this same path. I can also choose to reach out to other health care professionals in treatment and early recovery to let them know they are not alone. One of the things I love about recovery is I have all sorts of choices I am able to make today. When I was using, my only "choice" was to keep using...keep lying, hiding, isolating, in order to keep using. Today I can choose to be clean and sober, to work on becoming a better father, son, brother, friend, person. Today I can choose to reach out to the addict who still suffers...to pass on my recovery, to share those little things I've discovered about myself, my life, my relationships, and my connection with others, living a life of freedom and joy which I never thought possible almost 25 years ago. It took me going to treatment three times, over 5 years of intermittent abstinence, and facing 8 years in prison before I finally realized, and accepted, that I could make the choice to recover (which isn't just abstinence) and live a full and rewarding life, or I could continue doing what I was doing and be a miserable, white knuckled abstinent individual. A gentleman named Chuck Swindoll said it best, and I took it to heart:

ATTITUDE
by
Charles Swindoll
"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think, say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play the one string we have, and that is our attitude... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.
And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes"

The shame is understandable and part of the disease (and yes...it IS a disease). None of us asked for this to happen. I recommend the DVD "Pleasure Unwoven" to help understand the disease process. We are not bad people trying to become good. We have a chronic, progressive, potentially fatal disease which alters our brain, and we are trying to become well. It's interesting, since the day I began speaking about my addiction, which began as a result of chronic pain from spondylolisthesis, my life has changed significantly. I went from someone who saw themselves as "bad", "stupid", "weak" and "evil", to someone who finally realized I had a disease which could kill me but could also be gotten into remission and kept there if I did a few simple (but not easy) things. the most important thing I did was stop hiding. It began accidentally when I was asked to speak at an anesthesia conference back in 2003. I spoke, not because I had a desire to change the world or to rally the troops. I spoke because I didn't know anyone where I was asked to speak (the shame thing), and because they were going to pay me an amazing fee and all my expenses to talk for one hour. I needed the money badly. I received much, much more, although I wouldn't realize it until much later. A series of events was started that day which led to me becoming a peer assistance advisor for Ohio's nurse anesthetists as well as the chair of the peer assistance/wellness committee (volunteer position). This led to a job as a consultant with a nursing license defense attorney, and eventually led to a career as an addictions counselor. Tomorrow evening I'm speaking at a church about the issues of addiction in conjunction with childhood sexual abuse. This happened because of a few brave souls in my family (my sister, Dad, 2 nieces, and a daughter) willing to speak out about being sexually abused as children, and seeking help. In the case of my daughter, she was abused at the age of 7, gang raped as a freshman in college, and is now dealing with the disease of addiction (in treatment through a drug court system). If I had not had my experiences I would not have been able to effectively assist my daughter and family members. Speaking out, sharing my story, and not hiding have been the things that not only saved my life, but changed it as well. You and all of our colleagues suffering with this disease and it's fallout are in my thoughts and prayers. Change is possible. So is happiness. I wish you well.

Jack

Oogie · Feb 24, 2014

Thanks Jack, your words speak of truth, guidance towards positive steps as my journey continues. I continue to seek that which will serve me best. For me taking what I need is the tools I can use to rebuild that part of me that has a great deal to offer, my wounded heart and soul, my family, friends, patients and peers. Leaving the rest, the damage I've done is in the past, it is the hypocrisy of the clickish Ol timers of the AA mtgs (do things their way or the highway), the revivalists, although I'm a deeply spiritual man, it seems I don't see religion as "others", that's where I haven't "fit in". As I've journaled my past mistakes working the steps, I've found a deep sense of patience in dealing with people who once I would allow to trigger me to drink. I've realized I have the strength to listen without speaking, speak without being judgemental, and look for creative solutions when there is chaos around me to quiet the storm instead of feeding it. I appreciate your insight, as I've read and read your words a number of times. Thanks again for sharing .... Peace

Twoyearnurse · Feb 24, 2014

Sobriety can be a very lonely place. I know I'd go even crazier if I didn't have someone to communicate with that understood. I have an amazing family who loves and supports me. Thank god the majority of them do not understand what I am going through. I talk to them but they don't seem to find one funny thing about my situation, and talking about some of the things I did while laughing only confuses them...it has made for some awkward family moments. Laughter and lightheartedness are necessary for survival in this. No matter how down I get it always helps to have my sponsor and fellows in recovery laugh at me. I hope you find someone you can talk to, even if you don't attend meetings maybe there was someone there you can still call on? I have many friends in aa who hang out with and talk to people who don't attend the program.

jackstem · Feb 25, 2014

Someone once told me religion is for people afraid of going to hell...spirituality is for those who have been there.

Jack

TXRN2 · Feb 25, 2014

Jack!!! i so love it when you pop in every now & then!! i think about you often!!

jackstem · Feb 26, 2014

Thanks "Tex"! I like "popping in". Need to keep everyone on their toes. :ninja:

The last person who said they thought of me often was a bill collector! I miss everyone here, but things have been busy since I started this counseling job almost 18 months ago. (Keeps me out of trouble sometimes). Hope all is well with you and your family. Hope all is well with everyone here at Allnurses!

Love all of ya!!! :laugh:

Jack