I am new to this site, this is my first post. I have been desperately searching the web for forums with people who might be able to relate to the despair that I am feeling right now. I am in my 30s and have been an ER nurse for three years, I started in the ER fresh out of nursing school. In school, I was in a very competive nursing program, most of my classmates wanted to get jobs in critical care after graduation. I have always been a high acheiver and push myself as hard as I can to reach my goals. I suddenly found I was having a difficult time focusing in my classes. I had always been a daydreamer but it had never seemed to matter much before. I had been seeing a psychiatrist for years, I had suffered from depression and anxiety since my teens. I was already taking antidepressants but expressed to my doctor that I was having a very difficult time focusing in school. He prescribed Adderall as needed, he informed me that the med was addictive, I didnt think much of it at the time...
It has now been four years since I took my first adderall. Since I began taking it in nursing school, I cannot even imagine being a nurse and not taking it. I have never worked a day as a nurse when I have not been on Adderall. I have tried to start my shifts without taking it and I only make it a few hours until I find myself having to pop another pill. When I don't take it, my mind is foggy and I find myself moving slowly and having difficulty calculating med dosages. I work in a busy ER and I have to be on my toes all the time, I have to think quickly and move quickly, my patient's lives depend on it. I cannot afford to have a slow and foggy mind because if I make a mistake I can kill someone.
I started to find myself very lethargic and unmotivated on my days off from work, so I started to take the Adderall on those days, too. As with any drug, I find myself having to take more of it to get the same effect as before and even then, the effect does not last long. When it wears off I feel moody and immediately want to take more. Now I spend more time coming off of the drug than I do feeling the "good" effects of it. I am living my life from one pill to the next. My doctor continues to prescribe it because he doesnt know that I am feeling this way. I do not tell him because I am terrified he will stop prescribing it and then I would not be able to function at work.
I love my job and I dont want to lose it. Nobody at work knows that I take Adderall. I am sickened that I let this happen to me, knowing that this med was so addictive. I feel so alone and lost right now. I worked so hard to get to where I am in my career, but maybe that is because the adderall gave me the confidence to get to where I am. My entire life I have always been introverted, a bit of a loner that would keep to myself. I was very shy as a child (and as an adult) and was never comfortable meeting new people. When I started taking Adderall I noticed that it was much easier to talk to people. Not only did this drug make me happy and focused, I was able to be more social and engage people in conversation.
I would love to hear from anyone that can possibly relate to this and any advice you might have. Please no criticism, I am hard enough on myself about this, I dont need anyone else to be.
I would also add that I do understand why you might be a little nervous about taking Adderall and being in the nursing profession because if there is ever any question about a mistake you made or you are hurt at work or anything like that and someone questions your Adderall use- it could be a problem for you. I would say you have a legitimate concern.
I have to disagree. The issue here isn't about if you are addicted to medications, or if you are taking medications as prescribed or getting illegal medications- all that does play a part in the whole thing but it's not the main issue why a nurse has her licensed suspended or revoked. The main issue is whether she is impaired and if she is a threat to the safety of the community. If the nurse is experiencing times where she is not able to function, she is very fatigued and not thinking clearly and she is working- she is a safety concern and that is the main reason the BON gets involved. This is a complicated issue and there are a lot of different things the come to play here but mostly what the BON is concerned with is safety. Patient safety. It doesn't matter if you have a prescription from a doctor or not. If you are impaired at work or coming down from the high and not safe to work - there is a problem. The issue is primarily about whether you are impaired and not able to practice nursing safely. There are many reasons that cause nurses to be impaired- lack of sleep, stress, mental illness, emotional problems, trauma, abuse, alcohol, drugs, lack of food, etc. and it really doesn't matter what the cause of the impairment is- if the nurse is not safe to work- she cannot be working. If the nurse has uncontrolled diabetes and she is experiencing altered cognition- she is impaired and should not be working and if she is reported the BON will get involved. So, it really doesn't matter if you have a prescription from a doctor or not it's really about if you are impaired and a safety concern.
I agree that the board cares about safety but I don't think this contradicts what I wrote. I just meant in this specific case, taking Adderall that has been prescribed is not an issue that will affect any nurses' career. The prescription matters because all my drug screens are positive, and I need to show proof to the MRO. That was kind of where I was going in my post.
Based on the op, which isn't very detailed, it's possible they may be suffering from addiction (based on the need to take more and more). That can be a safety issue because Adderall is neurotoxic and can cause psychosis. They mention using it for 4 years and how it helps them at work. Admittedly, I'm assuming here that if there was a safety issue/problem at work it would have been included in op.
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If op or anyone does want to get off Adderall, find a doctor who is competent and will taper down your script. I went from 60mg to 20mg because my doctor took a gradual approach (combined with diet, exercise, behavioral changes, therapy) over 14 weeks. I did experience withdrawal symptoms, but it was less intense than any drug holiday I've taken.
I too had amp addiction plus opioid (which was more a physical dependence) but getting off both at the same time was impossible alone. So I went to inpatient and followed their rec of self reporting to the board (mn). I did inpatient then immediately went into iop for 11 or 12 weeks and then I did a step down of potent and on the day I was to graduate I was kicked out. The reasons are many , and I can tell you I got my own self booted - however- the therapist absolutely would not believe a single thing I said, pressured me to get off suboxone- told me I was on so many meds I didn't know what way was up (I take 2 antidepressants and mood stabilizer for yeaaaaars) - one time mocked me for being sexually abused and playing victim. Our relationship was so strained and I just shut my mouth to finish the program as per my monitoring contract. I believe the discharge was retaliatory and also based on a schedule miscommunication- I just found out today that he recommended I got to a LOW INTENSITY RESIDENTIAL TREATMENT . So that means I have to according to my monitoring program. I just did inpatient IOP and outpatient. I am sober 6 months and have been in treatment this whole time. Mind you-the last I talked to him (a few days before graduation- he was all set to graduate me) but then out of the blue laid out these recomendations.
HPSP met and had a meeting about it and they said they believe both he and I are true at the same time (meaning there is truth to both sides ) and that they are following his rec. they did say I can get a 2nd opinion and I'm doing that next week. But that includes another assessment, they review my inpatient discharge summary and the discharge summary from the outpatient program.
I feel defeated. I feel totally betrayed - I have to fine a new mh counselor bc I cannot go to his firm anymore- I feel untrusting of the MH field and I'm scared. I don't want to lose my license or be disciplined but I have 2 kids at home and I love being with them and being sober- it hurts to be away from them for this.
when is enough enough? Do I dare surrender? I have 2.5 more years to go but I suspect they will extend my contract.
I am not working I've never been in trouble I've never been fired-
I referred myself because it was what I felt was right for me to help me stay sober.
I desperately need someone I can trust who is not in for the public but for me. And I do go to AA and I love it and have a sponsor and work the steps. Aa is keeping me sober and alive. In fact everyone in aa in my home group was shocked. My mh provider for my meds said I was doing the best he's ever seen (he's treated for 5 years) he likes that I resigned and am focusing on recovery.
just help. Words of wisdom- prayers- kindness- that's what I need right now.
I too had amp addiction plus opioid (which was more a physical dependence) but getting off both at the same time was impossible alone. So I went to inpatient and followed their rec of self reporting to the board (mn). I did inpatient then immediately went into iop for 11 or 12 weeks and then I did a step down of potent and on the day I was to graduate I was kicked out. The reasons are many , and I can tell you I got my own self booted - however- the therapist absolutely would not believe a single thing I said, pressured me to get off suboxone- told me I was on so many meds I didn't know what way was up (I take 2 antidepressants and mood stabilizer for yeaaaaars) - one time mocked me for being sexually abused and playing victim. Our relationship was so strained and I just shut my mouth to finish the program as per my monitoring contract. I believe the discharge was retaliatory and also based on a schedule miscommunication- I just found out today that he recommended I got to a LOW INTENSITY RESIDENTIAL TREATMENT . So that means I have to according to my monitoring program. I just did inpatient IOP and outpatient. I am sober 6 months and have been in treatment this whole time. Mind you-the last I talked to him (a few days before graduation- he was all set to graduate me) but then out of the blue laid out these recomendations.
HPSP met and had a meeting about it and they said they believe both he and I are true at the same time (meaning there is truth to both sides ) and that they are following his rec. they did say I can get a 2nd opinion and I'm doing that next week. But that includes another assessment, they review my inpatient discharge summary and the discharge summary from the outpatient program.
I feel defeated. I feel totally betrayed - I have to fine a new mh counselor bc I cannot go to his firm anymore- I feel untrusting of the MH field and I'm scared. I don't want to lose my license or be disciplined but I have 2 kids at home and I love being with them and being sober- it hurts to be away from them for this.
when is enough enough? Do I dare surrender? I have 2.5 more years to go but I suspect they will extend my contract.
I am not working I've never been in trouble I've never been fired-
I referred myself because it was what I felt was right for me to help me stay sober.
I desperately need someone I can trust who is not in for the public but for me. And I do go to AA and I love it and have a sponsor and work the steps. Aa is keeping me sober and alive. In fact everyone in aa in my home group was shocked. My mh provider for my meds said I was doing the best he's ever seen (he's treated for 5 years) he likes that I resigned and am focusing on recovery.
just help. Words of wisdom- prayers- kindness- that's what I need right now.
Can you choose who does your second opinion? Sometimes lawyers can help you choose someone who would give you a more favorable evaluation. I'd talk to a lawyer.
I agree. A lawyer would be a good idea. Don't be afraid to call a few different ones. It's important that you find one that you are comfortable with. Lawyers are expensive and that is a whole other issue. I really feel for you because I know how upsetting this situation can be- sometimes a person just needs sometime to think and it's difficult when you have all of these "professionals" telling you what you need to do and how you need to do it and pushing you in to things that you don't want to do. It's really horrible how they do this to people.
nolongeranurse
41 Posts
I would also add that I do understand why you might be a little nervous about taking Adderall and being in the nursing profession because if there is ever any question about a mistake you made or you are hurt at work or anything like that and someone questions your Adderall use- it could be a problem for you. I would say you have a legitimate concern.